#74: Rafael Furcal “Matter”
It would have been nice if Rafael Furcal could have come out to HJE corporate headquarters to accept his award. Unfortunately for Furcal, he was chugging cough medicine all day and wasn’t able to pass the Breathalyzer test required to start his car. If he were here, though, I’m sure he’d be honored to be named the #74 Top Cub Killer of My Time.
Furcal was signed by the Atlanta Braves in 1996 out of the Dominican Republic, and made his first appearance as a Brave in 2000 at the age of 22. The switch-hitting shortstop was known for his rocket arm, his speed, and his above-average power out of the leadoff spot. Oh, and for getting bombed out of his mind, getting behind the wheel of his car, and endangering the lives of everyone on the Georgia highways.
When Furcal wasn’t pinballing his vehicle back and forth off parked street cars, he kept himself busy by sneaking into under-eighteen clubs while he was 21, paying the kids’ price at the water park, and getting free balloons and lollipops at the bank. Furcal also went back to high school and failed English all over again.
After Furcal was arrested for the second time for drunk driving, he moved in with his mother. Nowhere does it explicitly state that he moved into the basement, but I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that he did. It must have been tough keeping his batting average up and leveling up his World of Warcraft Alchemist Warrior Dwarf, aptly named “Furcalcohol,” by plundering the Blackwing Lair. I’m not sure what his NSBB screen name is, but I’ll let you know if I find out.
Furcal’s mother adapted quickly to life with her son. For example, “Raffy,” as Mrs. Furcal calls him, really gets upset when you forget to put whipped cream on his Mickey Mouse pancakes. And he never picks up his stirrup socks when he comes home from his games. And if he goes 0 for 4, he just comes home, storms off into his room, locks his door, and watches Napoleon Dynamite over and over again until he turns his frown upside-down or until Mrs. Furcal brings him down some ants on a log and some Ecto-Cooler Hi-C.
Furcal’s statistics against the Cubs aren’t good. They’re not even remotely passable. Nevertheless, Furcal did more damage to the Cubs in the last couple of seasons while not holding a bat than most players have in their entire careers.
In December of 2005, the Cubs were in desperate need of a shortstop, having survived an entire season with Neifi Perez as their starting shortstop. Their choices for the 2006 season were either Perez, the incredible idiot Ronny Cedeno, bringing back Nomar Garciaparra, or a shortstop from outside the organization.
Furcal was available. Instead of taking the money offered him by the Cubs, he signed with the Dodgers. The Cubs ended up being stuck with Cedeno for the 2006, but the worst of Furcal’s crimes was yet to come…
Why You Should Hate Him: April 19, 2006. The 9-5 Cubs were facing the Dodgers at Dodger Stadium early in the year. Cubs fans were filled with optimism for the young season. That lasted until the bottom of the seventh inning. As the first hitter in the bottom of the 7th with the Dodgers down 4-2, Furcal laid down a bunt single, causing Cubs pitcher Scott Eyre to have to move more than two steps in one direction. Eyre flopped and jiggled around the infield before finally corralling the ball and throwing a lame duck to Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee. The throw put Lee on a collision course with Furcal. Furcal slammed into Lee, breaking Lee’s wrist and causing him to miss the majority of the 2006 season only one year removed from making a serious run at the Triple Crown in 2005. Not only did the injury effectively end the Cubs’ season less than one month into 2006, but it clearly sapped Lee of a great deal of power. After hitting 46 home runs in 2005 and driving in 107 runs, Lee has only hit 12 home runs this year and driven in 58. Just so you know, Furcal, I convinced your mom to let the cat shit in your Fruity Pebbles.
Did You Know? In 2003, Furcal completed the 12th unassisted triple play in baseball history. Furcal caught a line drive off the bat of pitcher Woody Williams as the runners at first and second base were running on a hit-and-run attempt. Furcal stepped on second to retire Mike Matheny and then tagged Orlando Palmeiro as he was running toward second. After the game, Furcal celebrated the triple play with a handle of Triple Sec and a three-car pile up.
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Comments
TDubbs I find it hard to believe that he had to “move in” with his mom. You’re telling me they didn’t already live in the same house? Along with 25 other people?
Is that wrong? Or just racist? My bad.
Sam When the Cubs were looking at signing him, didn’t he ask for some ridiculous amount of money? Like 60 million or some shit?
Bad Kermit I thought he was only asking for what the Dodgers gave him, which was 3 years, $39M. That’s a ridiculous amount for him.
Vapor I think the Cubs offered him more years, 5 if I recall, but only 44 mil or something along those lines.
cherigrace no, you’re not racist TDubbs, and you’re quite right. Latinos do tend to live in larger family groups. In fact, I had some Spanish-speaking patients the other day ask me in puzzled tones what in the world “nursing homes” were. Because unlike white folk, they actually take care of their old people.
Weird, huh? Families are very close (including cousins, cousins-in-laws, etc) in a way that is quite strange to your average “I haven’t seen my brother in three years” American. It’s quite true, but I think it’s a good thing. There’s a lot of lonely folks out there…..but if you’re a lonely Latino, man, you must REALLY be an asshole!!
So it would actually be more insulting to Furcal to say that even his own family wouldn’t take him in. The truth is probably only his own mother can stand him, but if she’s a good Latina Mama, she gets up every morning and slaps him a few times and says “Que borracho!! Me da pena!!! Aye, que pena!!!!” (You big drunk! You bring me nohing but shame! What shame!)
DODGERGIRL RAFAEL IS THE PRIDE OF HIS HOME TOWN HE HAD TO GO THROUGH ALOT TO GET TO WHERE HE IS TODAY AND DAM RIGHT LATINOS ARE CLOSE WE DONT THROW ARE ELDERLY INTO SOME HOME TO BE FORGOTTEN AND ABUSED WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN! RAFAEL IS WELL WORTH WHAT HES GETTING PAID AND HE IS HOT!
CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
BK, you know what the “spooky” part is? Is that that injury took place about 20 minutes after midnight. Thus, putting the date April 20, 2006. That was exactly one year after Nomar’s groin completely ripped off of his body thus ending the 2005 Cubs campaign.