Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “All-Star Hangover” Edition
You know that feeling you get when your alarm goes off after you were on vacation for a few days and now you have to go back to work? And you know how that feeling is worse if you kept yourself completely shitfaced off Virginia Lightning during the whole vacation and you woke up wondering whether the burrito you ate last night was filled with steak or shit? I got that. And now I get to hang out with Cesar fucking Izturis with his, “Hey, Coach! Coach! Am I playing today? Am I? I brought my glove, and I got a new bat! And my dad hit me ground balls all day yesterday! I caught almost all of them! There was one that my dad said took a bad hop that went over my shoulder, but I caught all the other ones, and my dad said he was hitting them as hard as he could!” bullshit. You ready for your first Roundup of the second half? No? Then stop reading, you dumb bastard.
- The Commish says that we have a favorable schedule in the second half, and that guys like Zambrano, DeRosa, and Marmol are crucial to second half success. And then he blows it all and says that Jock is important, too. If Jock is still on this roster after July 31st, I will hot glue Hendry to a salad bar. As a side note, I love how the web address of The Commish’s articles has “gordo” right there in the title. You want me to translate? It means FAT, people!
- Did you guys see in the upcoming series against the Astros, we’re playing against a pitcher named WANDY? Bwahaha! We’d better be able to beat the chick Doogie Howser was dicking before he went queer.
July 15, 2007
Today, Wandy told me she was going to try to pitch against a Major League baseball team. I guess Dad was right the other day when he told me, “Bitches ain’t nothing but crazy!” He’s been drinking a lot lately. If I hadn’t seen all of Wandy’s naughty bits when I had to give her that appendectomy, I’d probably dump her.
I’m starting to get concerned about Vinny crawling through my window in the middle of the night and spooning with me.
Well, I guess that’s why they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
- I don’t know who Sting is, and I don’t care why he was arrested at Wrigley Field last weekend. All I care about is that the field is fixed before the homestand. By the way, these assholes just paint the grass when it looks like shit? Maybe they should try painting the ivy green at the beginning of the season, so it doesn’t look like sheets of used toilet paper hanging off the walls out there.
- Bruce Miles answers the question: What is John McDonough thinking? It takes Bruce a whole article. I’ll tell you what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, “How many Southwest Airline ads can I fit on the seat of Daryle Ward’s pants? How can I get Rachael Ray to sing the 7th Inning Stretch while holding a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee? How far did it fly?”
- I guess a lot of people want to buy this team. Sort of like how a lot of people wanted a ride on that chick from Titanic. And also on the boat. Not that anyone around here listens to me, but I will be GOD DAMNED if I’m going to work for a fucking Dairy Queen manager. Whaddya mean, “That was a publicity thing?” What the hell is a dot-com, some kind of Asian thing? I guess I don’t have much to worry about, since the stuffed shirts already in baseball probably won’t let a cool guy be part of their country club and bang all their wives.
- I’m going to have to talk to Derrek Lee about blowing Barry Bonds. Derrek goes so far as to call him the “greatest hitter ever.” I got news for you, Derrek, the greatest hitter ever had my drinking habits, my physique, and he played a loooong time ago. That’s right. Lou Piniella.
- You know what restaurant is probably going under/is the reason I’ve been shitting through a screen for the past week? I’ll give you a hint.
- In case you guys were worried that we can’t add any players before the trade deadline because the big men upstairs won’t let us, calm down. We might be able to get two huge names soon. Blanco and Miller are starting their minor league assignments soon.
- This one is for all of you folks who have been missing Dan McNeil on Mac, Jurko, and Harry. Mrs. McNeil, your son will be back on the radio July 25th. I SAID YOUR SON WILL BE BACK ON THE RADIO ON JULY 25TH!
- The Muskrat calls us a “dark horse” candidate to win the NL Central, because the Muskrat is racist.
- Someone needs to get their facts straight. The MLB would have you believe that more people watched the National League take their annual beating this year than last year. Nice spin, assholes. The ratings are down, even if the total numbers are up. I’m surprised that as many people wanted to watch an exhibition game between the Yankees and the Mets as wanted to watch “The Bronx is Burning.” Really, really surprised.
- It’s Friday the 13th. You know what happened during the last Friday the 13th? Zambrano shit the bed against the Reds. Today, he’s starting against the Astros. You do the math. That’s right. I’m going to kill him while wearing a hockey mask.
Well, I need to fire out a “whiskey shit” before this game, or my stomach is going to be killing me. We need to get on another roll after we limp-dicked our way into the All-Star break, so let’s hope Zambrano gets it started this afternoon.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
Lou: “I didn’t think about baseball too much for three days in Florida. I was thinking of pina coladas and mai tais and some grouper and mahi mahi and the rest of it.”
lol drink up