When you first glance at Aaron Harang’s statistics against the Cubs, you probably think, “How did the bad guy from Darkman make the T79?” That would be an insightful first thought. And then you’d have to start thinking long and hard to remember the ONE time that the Cubs beat Harang. Despite Harang’s pedestrian 4.23 ERA versus the Cubs, he somehow manages to beat them a lot more often than he loses to them, compiling a 6-1 record in 11 starts against the North Siders, with two complete games thrown in for good measure (more than against any other team).

Here’s a better question about Aaron Harang. How in the f@#$ did the National League allow this scrub to lead the league in starts (35), wins (16), strikeouts (216), and complete games (6) in 2006 while playing for a mediocre Reds team?

What the f@#$, Carlos? Aaron Harang? Aaron f@#$ing Harang? Really?

Harang was acquired by the Reds from Oakland at the trade deadline in 2003. The Reds sent Jose Guillen to the Athletics and got back Jeff Bruksch and Joe Valentine. I know. It was as big a blockbuster as the Aramis-Lofton deal that summer.

I think few Cubs fans would have guessed that, three years later, Harang would post the numbers that he did. Harang is the sweaty guy in your office who should never be forced to wear a tie, not the guy who should be leading the National League in pretty much all of the “power pitcher” statistics. Shit, he didn’t even get a single vote for the 2006 NL Cy Young award, even after putting up league-leading numbers.

That’s because Harang is the guy you put at catcher and bat 10th in your 16″ softball league, only because you feel obligated to play him since he’s the only guy who shows up every f@#$ing week. He got drunk at your wedding and hit on your 19-year-old sister. You didn’t even invite him, but one of the other guests took him as a date, and he kept yelling stupid shit like “Next round’s on me!” at the open bar. He’s the guy who f@#$ing ruins all of the pictures your friends take when you’re out at the bar. “Who’s that red-faced sweaty guy in the background with the huge f@#$ing melon? His sideburns look ridiculous,” your friends reply when you e-mail them the pictures. “And why is he doing the Hook ‘em Horns thing? Is he from Texas?” No. No, he’s not. He’s the guy who, at that same bar, flicks your testicles for fun as you’re talking to that hot girl who was in your gen chem class in college, slams the bottom of his beer bottle against the top of yours, and chortles as he waddles away with his polo collar “popped” and his Southern Cal visor on upside-down and backwards.

There’s nothing impressive or heroic about Aaron Harang. He’s a tool. Yet he’s in your ballpark, striking out your guys. 47 times against 16 walks in his career against the Cubs, to be exact. And he’s a perfect 2-0 at Wrigley Field. That’s the most annoying type of Cub killer there is. He’s a guy who you think even you can hit, yet you watch the Cubs flail away helplessly against him start after agonizingly frustrating start.

Oh, and he plans on continuing to do so for quite a while, as Harang signed a four-year, $36.5M deal with the Reds in February of 2007. Screw you, bad guy from Darkman.

---

Why You Should Hate Him: September 24, 2006. I guess we shouldn’t really expect much out of a lineup like this:

J Pierre
F Bynum
A Ramirez
M Murton
S Moore
H Blanco
B Coats
R Cedeno
J Mateo

but the Cubs actually had a 2-1 lead going into the bottom of the 9th inning against the Reds at the Great American Ballpark on this late September day. Unfortunately for the Cubs, Harang was masterful, going 9 strong innings with 9 strikeouts, 6 hits, and only 2 earned runs on solo home runs by Aramis Ramirez and Buck Coats. Also unfortunate for the Cubs was that Ryan Dempster and Scott Eyre were on the team. Dempster wild-pitched the tying run home with one out in the bottom of the 9th inning before loading the bases so that Eyre could come on in relief against Royce Clayton (why?), who hit a walk-off single to win it. Harang, of course, picked up the win in his second complete game against the Cubs. Dempster and Eyre are still Cubs. It’s lose-lose.

---

Did You Know? This has almost nothing to do with Harang, but who cares? Pitcher Joe Valentin, one of the guys who was traded to the Reds along with Harang, was raised by two lesbian moms. I guess that’s where he learned to throw a splitter. I don’t know what that means.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 4:22 pm and is filed under Lists, The Top 79.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.