A Special Message from Lou: “Don’t F@#$ing Vote for Zambrano, You Dumb Shits!”
God damnit, I told Hendry to get me some fans up here who can use their damn heads and vote the right way! Instead, I get you dumb shits, rallying everyone to vote for Zambrano to make the All-Star Game in their Final Vote? Now, why in the hell would you do that, especially with LaRussa managing the game? You’re f@#$ing goofy.
Look, there are only two things I’m pretty sure are going to happen before I die. The first is that I’m going to invent a toilet seat with a cup holder. The second is that LaRussa is going to have his vengeance for the 1990 World Series. What better way than to break Zambrano?
Yet you’re just f@#$ing giving him Zambrano right when he gets good, and right when we get over .500 for the first time in nearly two months!? That’s the stupidest goddamn idea I’ve heard since that pencil-dick Boras suggested that the MLB add two games to the World Series to be played in a neutral site. Can you f@#$ing imagine what Tim McCarver will be talking about by Game F@#$ing NINE of the World Series!? The guy is unlistenable before the first pitch of Game One, when he’s wrapping up his f@#$ing, “If I were throwing out the first pitch of the World Series on the bright lights of the national stage as the world looked on to see how I threw out the first pitch of the World Series, I would make sure that I had fully prepared myself to throw out that first pitch in the World Series on the world’s biggest stage with the world watching me throw out the first pitch of the World Series.”
And Joe Buck, for God’s sake! Boras wants two extra games of listening to Greg f@#$ing Marmalard cramming dick after Yankee dick into his mouth until even A-Rod’s wife tells him to f@#$ing stop. While I’m on that, I saw one of the New York headlines about A-Rod’s wife’s “obscene” shirt was “F-Rod.” F-Rod? THAT DOESN’T EVEN F@#$ING MAKE SENSE! If you’re going to keep insisting on these Blank-Rod headlines, when they caught Alex running around with Fabio the other month, WHERE WAS THE “GAY-ROD” HEADLINE!?
But back to this All-Star nonsense. Making Zambrano pitch extra innings right when we’re starting to get hot is stupid. Shit, we even have Mike Nadel believing we’re for real. What? No, I have no idea. I thought you’d know. I’m guessing he’s some sort of actor. We need Zambrano getting hurt like we need another completely stressful month of baseball like last month but not quite as badly as Mike Downey needs an idea for a story.
Look, it’s bad enough that Soriano and Lee are going to risk their seasons in a game as frivolous as a Hancock lawsuit. But I don’t want my best pitcher in the past month to get injured.
Plus, the only way the people who organize these queer All-Star voting campaigns could be more lonesome and pathetic would be if they started their own f@#$ing town.
Why don’t you vote for Chris Young, the guy who Derrek Lee hates and who Zambrano so wanted to mushroom stamp, that he almost did it on national television? Or why not vote for Roy Oswalt, one of the dozen or so guys who Michael Barrett tried to punch in the head until they had the same IQ?
But, look, the real issue here is that Zambrano doesn’t really deserve it. Let’s face it. He was complete shit for the first 2 months of the season, and his numbers still show it. If anyone on the team got f@#$ed out of the All-Star Game, it’s Aramis. How is he not the starting third baseman? Look at Aramis’ stats, print them out, and use them to give that little weenie David Wright 1,000 paper cuts on his sack. Educated voters, my ass.
So, listen, dummies. Whatever you do before Thursday (and I’m guessing most of what you do involves an old, crusty tube sock), DON’T vote for Zambrano. And get some sun, you pasty f@#$s. It’s July, for God’s sake.
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Comments
TDubbs Big Z must have put on about 60 pounds since that picture was taken. At least I have something in common with a major leaguer
BigFlax I have that Zambrano RC. Kind of ridiculous that he’s only 26. He’s younger than Rich Hill!
Mike Nadel did you guys see my awesome Calista Flockhart joke?!? She’s totally still relevant in 2007 right guys? Guys? Hellooooooo? Guys? Could you at least turn the light back on guys? I get scared in the dark…
Bad Kermit Mike, the joke was nearly as funny as jokes about eating disorders! Oh, wait. You made one of those, too? And in the same sentence?
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