#2: Neifi “Sucked More Balls Than” Perez “Hilton”
When I am visiting my psychiatrist after the next ten World Championshipless years, and we get to the root of all of my problems with relationships and love, I’m sending the bill to the second-worst Cub of my lifetime, Neifi Perez. This is why.
BAD KERMIT walks into the office of his psychiatrist, DR. BROWN, and reclines on a leather couch.
DOC BROWN: Welcome, Kermit.
KERMIT: Thanks, Doc.
DOC BROWN: How are we feeling today?
KERMIT: Uneasy, man. Really uneasy.
DOC BROWN: How so?
KERMIT: The dream. I had it again.
DOC BROWN: The one when you’re in Amsterdam and-
KERMIT: No, the other one.
DOC BROWN: The one with the little Mexican?
KERMIT: Dominican.
DOC BROWN: Oh, yeah. What was his name? Noof? Knife?
KERMIT: Neifi. Neifi Mother F@#$ing Perez.
DOC BROWN: Ah, yes. What did you call him, again?
KERMIT: The worst f@#$ing hitter in the history of Major League Baseball.
DOC BROWN: Oh, yes. Let’s explore why you called him that.
KERMIT: Because he’s the worst f@#$ing hitter in the history of Major League Baseball.
DOC BROWN: Oh, come on. Major League Baseball has been around for nearly 140 years. Surely he can’t be the worst?
KERMIT: He is.
DOC BROWN: Why would you say that?
KERMIT: What were you ranked in your class?
DOC BROWN: What?
KERMIT: Your psychiatry class. What were you ranked?
DOC BROWN: Top 5%.
KERMIT: What about the guy who was dead last?
DOC BROWN: That guy? He was retarded. One time I was at a party and everyone spit in a glass and that guy drank it.
KERMIT: Well, that guy was Neifi. You see, there are 750 players in the Major Leagues at any one point during the season. You add in all the guys that come up and go down, and there are probably over 1000 individual players that play in the MLB each year.
DOC BROWN: Go on…
KERMIT: For the sake of argument, let’s say there have been 140,000 guys who have ever played in the MLB. If you were to rank those players, there would have to be, necessarily, a worst player in MLB history. And that player is Neifi Perez.
DOC BROWN: Wow.
KERMIT: Yeah. If Neifi was a doctor, and he operated on you, I’d be sending your widow flowers.
DOC BROWN: I’m not married.
KERMIT: Your mother, then.
DOC BROWN: She’s dead.
KERMIT: Did Neifi operate on her?
DOC BROWN: Let’s get back to your rage with this Neifi character. I understand that you once compiled a list of the most loathsome Cubs of your time. Why was Neifi not number one?
KERMIT: Oh, for the love of God. The Bottom 126 was not solely statistics-based. It was a subjective list. Jesus, I’ve been explaining that for ten f@#$ing years! Why doesn’t anyone get it?
DOC BROWN: Sorry.
KERMIT: It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again. You have a Ph.D., for God’s sake.
DOC BROWN: Let’s talk about some other reasons you’re so upset about this Neifi character.
KERMIT: Oh, God damnit. Remember when we had that session about Dusty Baker?
DOC BROWN: It was twelve sessions, and I think you have some unresolved issues remaining.
KERMIT: F@#$ him. Anyhow, Dusty had some kind of boner for Neifi. He played him every chance he got, especially when I went to games.
DOC BROWN: Why do you suppose that is?
KERMIT: My theory? Because Neifi had naked pictures of Dusty having sex with Jose Macias.
DOC BROWN: Interesting.
KERMIT: I can’t imagine the pictures would be interesting at all, actually.
DOC BROWN: I see.
KERMIT: Anyhow, the Cubs signed Neifi on August 19, 2004.
DOC BROWN: The numbers?
KERMIT: Exactly. 08. 19. 20. 04. The numbers are cursed.
DOC BROWN: Numbers can’t be cursed.
KERMIT: Oh yeah? My dog got hit by a 2004 Jetta on August 19.
DOC BROWN: That’s coincidence.
KERMIT: I fell down 51 stairs the other day.
DOC BROWN: What does that have to do with anything?
KERMIT: Add the numbers up.
DOC BROWN: Oh.
KERMIT: So, yeah, Doc. I hate Neifi Perez.
DOC BROWN: I’m starting too, as well.
KERMIT: Yeah, he’ll do that. So, anyhow, Dusty f@#$ing Baker played this mother f@#$er every chance he got.
DOC BROWN: Why would he do that?
KERMIT: Nobody knows. Dusty had such a hard-on for the guy, that he said that in 2005, Neifi “saved the season.”
DOC BROWN: Wait. Didn’t the Cubs only win 79 games in 2005?
KERMIT: Yeah. What the f@#$? He thinks the 2005 Cubs would have won only 77 games without the worst hitter in MLB history on the roster?
DOC BROWN: I guess.
KERMIT: Neifi “saved the 2005 season” like Kevin Federline “saved hip-hop.”
DOC BROWN: That’s a stupid comparison.
KERMIT: I know. I need help. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
DOC BROWN: What else do you hate about this guy?
KERMIT: Well, he has an equally-obnoxious brother.
DOC BROWN: Really?
KERMIT: Yeah. Rubby. He thinks he’s Morpheus, but he’s not. I had to listen to that asshole’s music during my entire honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. I’d like to Rubby one off on his face.
DOC BROWN: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
KERMIT: He has a song in which he says, “Give me poison; I want to die.” Why couldn’t his brother ever say that?
DOC BROWN: That’s just mean.
KERMIT: I have no regrets.
DOC BROWN: So, maybe he wasn’t good at baseball, and maybe Dusty was in love with him, and maybe his brother is a turd. That’s no real reason to hate the guy.
KERMIT: Okay, well what about this? Every time that bald idiot Jon Miller pronounces his name, he says, “NAY-Fee PAIR-Ez.” It drives me f@#$ing bonkers.
DOC BROWN: Who is Jon Miller?
KERMIT: Imagine if your namesake, Dr. Emmett Brown, f@#$ed Rush Limbaugh, and they somehow had a kid who announces games for ESPN, and loves to overpronounce everything.
DOC BROWN: He sounds like a pencil-dick.
KERMIT: He is. Anyhow, he somehow makes Neifi more annoying by calling him “NAY-fee.” Does that make me crazy?
DOC BROWN: No. In fact, I sort of want to punch you just for repeating what Miller says.
KERMIT: This is what I’m saying.
DOC BROWN: I understand, but I think you need to let go of some of your angst.
KERMIT: Why? Everybody else f@#$ing hates him, too.
DOC BROWN: Not everyone hated him.
KERMIT: Are you talking about BCB? Jeez, Doc. Even BCB could only talk about how nice Neifi was to play cards with Derrek Lee. And even that guy says that Neifi sucks as a hitter. Those guys could find something good about a carload of puppies at the bottom of a lake, and not even they can defend his .274/.298/.383 in 2005 or his .254/.266/.343 for the beginning of 2006. In 2006, the guy took FIVE f@#$ing walks in 236 at-bats! How in the f@#$ does your OBP and your batting average differ by only .012? That is ridiculously bad.
DOC BROWN: Wow. That is bad. Why did this asshole play so much?
KERMIT: Because Jim Hendry thought, for some inexplicable reason, that Nomar Garciaparra’s penis was bigger than his wife’s and that he could play through injury.
DOC BROWN: That sucks. Anything else you want to get off your chest?
KERMIT: I hit him.
DOC BROWN: You hit Neifi Perez?
KERMIT: Yes.
DOC BROWN: How?
KERMIT: Whenever I play a baseball video game, I try to bean Neifi Perez in the cock.
DOC BROWN: Really?
KERMIT: Yes. If he’s on my team in the game, I won’t play until I trade him. And I try to trade him to a team within the division so I can hit him-
DOC BROWN: Really.
KERMIT: -in the dick as much as possible.
DOC BROWN: That’s, uh-
KERMIT: Scary?
DOC BROWN: Yes.
KERMIT: I know. So help me.
DOC BROWN: All right. Let’s try to imagine the lowest point you can ever possibly imagine for Neifi Perez.
KERMIT: Okay. Okay. I think I’d have to say the lowest point was on May 18, 2006.
DOC BROWN: What happened?
KERMIT: Well, the Cubs were playing the Washington Nationals at Wrigley Field. The Cubs were down 5-3 in the bottom of the 9th inning against the Nationals’ closer Chad Cordero. The Cubs got the tying and the winning runs on first and third base with two outs, and who comes up?
DOC BROWN: Neifi f@#$ing Perez?
KERMIT: Yes. Neifi f@#$ing Perez. On the second pitch of the at-bat, Neifi tries to f@#$ing bunt his way on base.
DOC BROWN: Bunt!? Get out! Why!?
KERMIT: Neifi said he wanted to “surprise” the Nationals and load the bases. He claimed he was not a power hitter, even though he swings from his ass every chance he gets, so he figured he’d try to bunt his way so the “surprise” was his only chance. Everyone in the stadium was surprised, all right, but only because this f@#$stick was actually batting in that situation. Not because he laid down a bunt. The worst part is that his enabler Dusty said it was a good f@#$ing idea. When the hell do you see a game end on a f@#$ing bunt put-out with the tying runs on base?
DOC BROWN: I can see why that might make you mad.
KERMIT: The only thing that made me mad was that Cordero didn’t bean him in the cock. That’s what I would have done.
DOC BROWN: Okay. I think I can help you get past this. I want you to think about something nice about Neifi. Something people might not realize.
KERMIT: Okay. Well, in 1998, the Cubs lost their final game of the season to the Houston Astros, and the San Francisco Giants could have won the NL Wild Card if they had finished off Colorado Rockies. Moments after the Cubs thought that their postseason dreams were crushed, Neifi hit a walk-off homer off Giants’ closer Robb Nen to win the game 9-8 and put the Cubs and Giants in a Wild Card tie. The Rockies win forced a one-game playoff at Wrigley Field which the Cubs won, sending them to the playoffs.
DOC BROWN: See? There’s something positive about Neifi. Does that make you feel better?
KERMIT: No.
DOC BROWN: Really?
KERMIT: No. I still f@#$ing hate the guy more than almost every Cub who has ever played the game in my lifetime.
DOC BROWN: Yeah, I can sort of see why.
KERMIT: Really?
DOC BROWN: Yeah. I think you’re cured.
KERMIT: That’s great! Can you send my bill to Neifi Perez c/o Detroit Tigers?
DOC BROWN: Ah, no. But I can give you this complimentary copy of Rubby Perez’s first album.
As Doc Brown holds up the CD, Bad Kermit looks at him in horror. Doc Brown suddenly pulls at his skin, which comes off in one piece, revealing NEIFI PEREZ underneath.
KERMIT: N-NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bad Kermit sits bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring down his face. He looks around and gets his bearings before calming himself down. Bad Kermit looks at his bedside clock, which reads 3:51 a.m.
KERMIT: It- It was just a dream.
Bad Kermit looks at his nightstand, grabbing the sports section sitting there. The section is open to the Cubs’ box score. Bad Kermit’s eyes focus on the Cubs’ hitters. His eyes widen in horror as he reads, “SS N. PEREZ 0-4, 4 K, 0 RBI, 0 BB, .091 BA, .087 OBP, .143 SLG.
KERMIT: N-NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bad Kermit sits bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring down his face. He looks around and gets his bearings before calming himself down. Bad Kermit looks at his bedside clock, which reads 3:51 a.m.
KERMIT: It- It was just a dream.
Bad Kermit looks at his nightstand, grabbing the sports section sitting there. The section is open to the Cubs’ box score. Bad Kermit’s eyes focus on the Cubs’ hitters. His breathes a sigh of relief as he reads, “SS R. THERIOT 2-4, 0 K, 1 RBI, 0 BB, .291 BA, .354 OBP, .401 SLG. Bad Kermit smiles and looks over at MRS. KERMIT. At that moment, Mrs. Kermit rolls over. As she does, her sleep mask slips off revealing the face of Neifi Perez.
KERMIT: N-NOOOOOOOOOOO!
FIN
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Comments
BigFlax Embarrassing admission: when he played in Colorado, I once took Neifi Perez in the fourth round of a fantasy baseball draft. (My rationale: SS was a hard position to fill and the best ones were already off the board. Plus I was 16 and a total moron.) I didn’t do well that year.
Northside Fro Dog Remember when Neifi Perez was batting like .350 during the first two months of 2005? Then Dusty really fell in love with him and kept playing him EVERYDAY! Bad idea…
al impressive stuff BK..were you drunk when you wrote the entire discussion with the doctor?..If you did good job
Slaky Oh man, that was gold.
I’m really looking forward to reading about someone who has a name that rhymes with Todd Hundley.
Jack I got nothing to say about Neifi. Everytime I think about him I want to puke blood. And he has no neck. None. Maybe that’s why he can’t hit. Hard to see the fucking ball when you have no neck.
One thing I will say, though. Last year, Jim Leyland seemed to have the same weak spot for Neifi that Dusty did. Maybe the naked pictures aren’t of dusty and Macias, but Dusty and Leyland, maybe some other MLB managers in compromising situations. Terrifying thought. How else does this reject get playing time? I just pray there’s not a network of light hitting, slick fielding shortstops out there that have access to this material (Caesar, I’m looking at you). It would certainly explain how some of these guys end up on ML rosters and get playing time. Alex Cora, anyone? I see it as a vast conspiracy of ‘dandy little glovemen’ with Neifi as the ringleader, trying to turn back the clock to when shortstop wasn’t considered an offensive position. So watch out, Miguel Tejada, JJ Hardy, Carlos Guillen, et al. Neifi’s boys are lrking. And they’ve got pictures of your managers with 15 year old Thai hookers covered in hot sauce.
godendahl I guess since it was already Jones’ low point it couldn’t be Neifi’s too. But what a horrible 21st bday. May 26, 2006. Jones catches a ball that should merely allow the tying run on a sac fly, but 2 errors by Perez later, and the go ahead run scores from second on the same sac fly.
Bad Kermit Al, a little.
Godendahl, I was thinking about that one, but I just could not get over the fact that the Cubs lost a game on a walkoff 1-3 bunt putout. That’s damn near a FRANCHISE low.
level5 I hit the steering wheel of my car on both the bunt and the double error play. It pains me to remember.
Flem Dammit, if you’re going to bunt in the 9th with the game on the line, at least “call your shot” out to the centerfield bleachers beforehand, and then run to first base in slow motion to make it interesting.
Taylor I was at the “surprize bunt” game. I was in shock watching that retard bunt right back to the pitcher. And Dusty mumbling about how it was a good idea should have gotten him fired on the spot.
BigFlax A lot of things should have gotten Dusty fired on the spot. For example, the idea that “walks clog up the bases.” Hey Dusty, if you’re concerned about having too many slow-footed guys on the basepaths - as though having even a sumo wrestler at first is somehow worse than having no one on, especially if you just want your team hitting homers all the time anyway - maybe you should stop giving time to lardbutts like Neifi (career SB numbers: 57 up, 45 down; entire time with the Cubs: 9 up, 5 down).
Garczar Neifi Perez is the source of 95% of the pain and suffering on the planet. The other 5% is crunchy peanut butter.
MarkO The guy defending him in that Light Blue Extra thread is a friend of a friend of mine. I’m gonna have to make sure that gets brought up.
T to E to C Man, I hated this guy.
I still say Jim Leyland should have been disqualified from the Manager of the Year award for batting Neifi leadoff. Infact, he shouldn’t have had him hit at all. In the AL, you let let the pitcher hit for himself and DH for Neifi.
Mike D. I haven’t even read the section yet; I just wanted to immediately make the comment that I am tickled that Todd Hundley will be #1. I’m almost looking forward to reading the writeup on that knob-job as I am about watching “The Soprnaos” series finale Sunday.
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vapor I had to laugh at this article, not because of the great humor, or to dispute these allegations (all true), but because when I play MLB on the playstation, i really do bean N**** Perez every time. On the first pitch. In the head. And somehow after I do this repeatedly, I’m still not satisfied, b/c with 4 HBP’s in one game, that almost equals his walk total of the entire 2005 season. Thus his OBP against my team is artificially inflated. Sometimes he even scores runs, which then makes the game totally unrealistic. So fuck you N****, fuck you for ruining even my leisure time with video games, jackass.
I also vote that anytime this cock holster’s name is ever typed on this site from this point forward, the word censor changes it to “that asshole N**** Perez”
Andy My recurring nightmare is that right after experiencing the joy of hearing that the Cubs have finally traded Jock Jones, I suffer the terror of learning that they re-acquired Neifi in return.
Big D I think Dusty used the “Poochie” plan with Neifi… One, Neifi needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Neifi’s not on the field, all the other players should be asking, “Where’s Neifi?”
I have to admit, Neifi is one of my all time least favorite Cubs, but somehow I hate him less than I do Jerry Pubeston Jr.
StPatrick I second Vapor. The filter needs to do an auto-replace for certain words. Gritty = “untalented tiny white dude”, Derrek Lee = “God”, etc. Murton = “the redheaded guy who fields like he’s wearing roller skates”, etc.
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freshenup23 hey first off awesome site, although I do love me some Sweet Lou Pie XD.
“When the hell do you see a game end on a f@#$ing bunt put-out with the tying runs on base?”
Reed Johnson did it against the Rays this year, and it almost flipping worked and caught people by surprise. Fucking sucked when Evan Longoria make some fucking super diving in mid are throw on a 2 hopper that he grabbed on the run on a Bunt that was so eprfect 99/100 times Reed would have been safe. But Fucking Longoria threw him out. WTF!!!
freshenup23 hey first off awesome site, although I do love me some Sweet Lou Pie XD.
“When the hell do you see a game end on a f@#$ing bunt put-out with the tying runs on base?”
Reed Johnson did it against the Rays this year, and it almost flipping worked and caught people by surprise. Fucking sucked when Evan Longoria make some fucking super diving in mid are throw on a 2 hopper that he grabbed on the run on a Bunt that was so perfect 99/100 times Reed would have been safe. But Fucking Longoria threw him out. WTF!!!
Bad Kermit Thanks, man! Yeah, the difference between Neifi’s and Reed’s bunt was that Reed’s was a perfect bunt that would have tied the game. Neifi’s was a crap bunt that would have still found the Cubs down a run, even if he got it down. Also, I hate Neifi.
genrebuster HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
……………..all kidding aside, this is an excellent site…I’m glad FroDogs recommended it.
CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
Here’s my horrifying and true Neifi story: This was in 2005 (early, early before we knew quite how bad he sucked) and I went to a Braves game to see the Cubs, stood in line for autographs; Neifi! (as GROTA always called him) signed a few and walked away, I called out to him in Spanish and he turned around and spoke to me and I was actually HAPPY ABOUT THIS. And he signed me cap and I was HAPPY ABOUT THIS as well. Now, how does one deal with the utter shame and humiliation of such?? I just can’t get the horror out of my head. And I can’t get his signature of fmy cap OR throw it away, because it belonged to my deceased mother. (A lifelong Cubs fan..surely turning in her grave at the besmirchment of her favorite cap) AUUUUGH….maybe therapy, or time, will heal the pain…..