#12: Felix “Don’t Blame Him for Pitching Poorly. It’s” Heredia “tary”
Can pitchers end up in hell based solely on the pain and anguish that they caused the fans of the teams for whom they pitched? I hope so. I hope Roger Clemens is the Pitcher Devil. I hope he wears red pinstriped pajamas and a Yankees hat, and I hope that he reserved a special place in Pitcher Hell for Felix Heredia. Heredia deserves it for shortening my life by at least ten years.
That’s to say nothing of the pitchers whose careers Heredia ruined by inflating their ERAs after coming out of the bullpen and allowing pretty much every runner he inherited to score.
The Cubs acquired Heredia from the Florida Marlins along with Steve Hoff at the 1998 trade deadline for Justin Speier, Kevin Orie, and Todd Noel. A lot of big names changing teams in that deal. I assume the thinking was that Heredia would help the Cubs in their Wild Card run instead of, you know, hindering their chances at every step along the way.
For three and a half seasons, Cubs fans had to watch Heredia blow game after game after game. I guess we didn’t have to watch, but I, for one, tuned in just to see which inventive way Heredia found to screw up a game. Cubs fans’ hair went white, our stomachs turned, and our doctors put us on Xanax.
It didn’t help that Heredia was used all too often in a futile attempt to get out right-handers. Right-handers absolutely smoked Heredia, yet he saw more of them in his Cubs career than he saw lefties. Righties or lefties, though, Heredia should have only been allowed to see Major League hitters if he bought a ticket.
My favorite chapter in the Felix Heredia story is the one about his recent suspension for steroid use. If Heredia was using steroids, he was using them incorrectly.
INT.–METS CLUBHOUSE–NIGHT
FELIX HEREDIA sits alone in front of his locker, smashing syringes with a hammer. His manager, WILLIE RANDOLPH, enters.
WILLIE RANDOLPH: Felix! My God! What are you doing?
Felix stops hammering and looks up at Willie.
FELIX HEREDIA: I am abusing steroids.
RANDOLPH: Felix, you’re supposed to put the steroids into your body.
Felix nods at Willie and begins eating the shards of glass from the broken syringes. Willie rushes forward to stop him.
RANDOLPH: Felix, no! Shattered glass is not steroids!
Felix stares at Willie and continues chewing and bleeding.
Come on, Felix. You were using steroids? Be honest. You just took the fall for Piazza, right? He gave you a cup of piss and asked if he could have a cup of yours. Thinking nothing of it, you obliged, even when he asked if he could watch you fill the cup.
After the 2001 season, Heredia was finally traded to the Toronto Blue Jays along with James Deschaine for Alex Gonzalez. Thanks, Cubs, for bookending Felix Heredia with the shitty Kevin Orie era and the shitty Alex Gonzalez era.
Low Point: Since I already covered the 1998 Game 1 NLDS implosion in Matt Karchner’s entry, I like August 20, 2001. There were many putrid games I could have selected, but this one had Heredia’s stink all over it. The fourth-place Brewers were in town, and the Cubs still had a great chance of winning the division, as they were only two games behind Houston in the NL Central. Carlos Zambrano did not pitch well, allowing five runs in the first four innings. Heredia came on in the fifth after Zambrano put guys on first and third with no outs. Heredia got a pop fly out of Jeromy Burnitz for the first out before all hell broke loose. Heredia gave up an RBI single to Richie Sexson. He then walked Mark Sweeney to load the bases. Heredia threw a wild pitch to Jose Hernandez to allow another run before giving up a two-RBI triple to Hernandez. The Cubs lost the game 10-2. Heredia’s line: 0.1 IP, 2 H, 3 ER, 1 BB, 0 SO, 1 WP. His ERA at the end of the game was 6.17.
Did You Know? Heredia has two other nicknames: “El Gato Flaco” (”The Skinny Cat”) and “The Run Fairy,” a name given to him by Yankees fans when he pitched for them.
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Comments
PenFoe We always used to joke about getting a bad case of Felix Heredia after hooking up with skanky chics in Lakeview.
Garczar Yeah, But a bad case of Felix Heredia can’t be cured with a shot of penicillin. Once it is diagnosed, you are stuck with it for life.
[...] Yankees fans can relate A Cubs blog, Hire Jim Essian, has been doing a series on the Bottom 126 Cubs of his lifetime. #12 is a player we all know….man, was he brutal: http://hirejimessian.com/index.php/2…-heredia-tary/ [...]
Tuesday Yankees fans can relate? To hell with them. Maybe they’ll relate better when they miss the playoffs this year. Then, they just have to imagine that that sort of thing happens every damn year. I have it on good authority that you can catch airborne syphilis from them.
[...] moments to squeeze in at third on the list. It helped your case that the trade for you sent Felix Heredia out of the country. You also didn’t seem to be the face of pure evil, though I suppose the [...]
[...] for Jon Garland on July 29, then deal Kevin Orie, Justin Speier and Todd Noel to the Marlins for Felix Heredia on July [...]
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StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
I could have sworn he was better that this