#19: Jose “I Hope He Can’t” Macias “Because Someone Fed Him After Midnight”

A world in which Jose Macias is a team’s best option as the 25th man on the roster is a scary place in which I do not want to live. Yet Jim Hendry seemed to think in 2004 and 2005 that of the 6.5 billion people roaming the planet earth, Jose Macias was just that.

After the Cubs faltered so absurdly in the 2003 playoffs, one of Hendry’s “remedies” was to trade Wilton Chavez to the Montreal Expos for Macias. The Expos gave Hendry a list of rules along with Macias:

1. Don’t let him near bright light, especially sunlight.
2. Don’t use him as your first pinch-hitter off the bench.
3. Don’t get him wet.
4. Don’t use him as a pinch runner.
5. No matter how much he begs, don’t ever, ever feed him after midnight.
6. Don’t let him be managed by Dusty Baker.

Hendry and Dusty Baker carelessly violated all six rules within the first week of owning Macias, and Macias was soon ruining Cubs’ fans summers. Baker turned to Macias in just about every situation imaginable despite the fact that Macias had no tangible baseball ability. Macias parlayed one anomaly of a good hitting stretch in May of 2004 into a Cubs career of being the first man used off the bench as well as the only option, apparently, as a backup to every other player on the field. Need a center fielder? Macias. A shortstop? Macias. Need a good baserunner? Macias. Never mind the fact that he stole a total of 8 bases as a Cub while being caught stealing 4 times. Need someone to refinance your mortgage? Macias. Don’t know who the father of your child is? Macias. He’s also the child.

It always makes me laugh when I see the Baseball-Reference page for a guy like Macias. Where it says “Bats,” the response is “Both.” Apparently, there isn’t a “Neither” option. Macias hit like garbage from both sides of the plate. When a player has absolutely no power, one would think they would try to increase their selectivity and patience at the plate. Not Macias. He was that rare combination of no power, no patience, and weak contact that Hendry looks for in a player.

Macias was released by the Cubs after the 2005 season. The Cubs had acquired Neifi Perez and realized that it didn’t make sense to carry the two worst players in the league on their 25-man roster.

The scholars at Desipio originally pointed out the fact that Macias is not human, but Gremlin. For the sake of argument, here is a side-by-side comparison so that you can make your own judgment.

Macias is the one on the left.

Low Point: April 14, 2004-June 23, 2004. It took Macias all of two months during the 2004 season to draw his first walk, which came on June 23, 2004, in St. Louis. He almost made it to the All-Star Break without taking a walk. It was the team’s 71st game of the season. Macias finished the season with five walks in 194 at-bats. The difference between his batting average and OBP at the end of the season was a mere .024. Wow.

Did You Know? After playing the 2006 season in Japan with the Nippon Ham Fighters, Macias is now back in the Brewers’ minor league system. You know how you get to be the currently-best-record-in-baseball Brewers? You make sure that shitty players like Macias aren’t on your big league club.

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