#22: “So Dumb He Doesn’t Know How to Put on His” Jacque Jones

I know at least one of you is going to be mad about Jacque Jones’ inclusion on The Bottom 126.

I know in defense of Jones, you’re going to use his statistics which are, admittedly, pretty good as a Cub. You’ll make your valid points about Jones’ “clutch” statistics, despite the fact that I will tell you that I don’t believe in clutch hitting. You’ll state that Jones’ defensive liabilities are overstated, while his offensive contributions are understated.

Throughout your argument, I will nod and smile at you in the way that I might nod and smile at a person who wears a drool bib.

Then I will give you my simple justification of Jones’ ranking on the B126: Jacque Jones hasn’t learned a goddamn thing about baseball since he was ten years old.

Jones plays the game with the baseball IQ of a kid two years removed from batting off a f@#$ing tee. He’s still stunned each time he looks out at the mound and Lou Piniella isn’t the one lobbing pitches to him with the opposing team’s “pitcher” standing in the circle painted behind him. The first time he took the field, he was surprised that some guys stayed on the bench. His mom brings a cooler full of orange slices to double-headers, writes Jacque’s name on the inside brim of his hat, and yells at other fans for heckling her baby. Jacque Jones’ car has baseball cards in all four rims, and he still calls Wrigley Field “the sandlot.” If Selig allowed Jones to wear jeans in the outfield, he would.

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Jacque Jones takes batting practice prior to a game. Also prior to becoming black.

Before the start of the 2006 season, Jones signed a $16M contract with the Cubs to patrol right field for three years. Jones was immediately off to a bad start with many Cubs fans who felt that Jones’ numbers with the Minnesota Twins didn’t merit a contract which amounted to more than $5M per year, particularly not over the course of three years. The Cubs likely could have brought back Jeromy Burnitz on a one-year deal for cheaper than $6M, which is what the Pittsburgh Pirates paid for him. At least that would have prevented the absurd outfield overflow that Hendry has created for the 2007 Cubs. Hell, the Cubs could have crossed their fingers, penciled Corey Patterson into right field, and prayed like hell that he’d figure out how not to be as stupid as Jones. Instead, they bid against themselves (Did the Royals really have an offer on the table?) and overpaid for Jones.

Jones has done exactly what the Cubs should have known he was going to do. He swings from his ass no matter what the situation is, refuses to work a count, has no idea where the strike zone or the cutoff man is, and bitches about the fans. Oh, he also flips his bat when he hits routine flyouts like he just won the goddamn World Series on a walkoff blast. Andy Dolan coined it “The Jacque Jones Pose” (JJP). Way to endear yourself to Chicago, shithead.

Now, Jones is in center field blocking Felix Pie, who is rapidly becoming a fan-favorite. Everyone knows that the most popular athletes in Chicago are the backup quarterback and the unknown prospect. Jones is doing nothing in center field but drawing more ire from the fans, whether it’s his fault he’s there or Piniella’s. Jim Hendry spent much of the offseason trying to trade Jones, and now that the Cubs are keeping Pie on the Major League team, Jayson Stark says that they’ve increased their efforts to move him. I’d provide a link, but you know my feelings on Mr. Stark’s affiliate. Moving Jones is about the only smart move for the Cubs at this point, as he is the worst baseball player in the current outfield logjam.

To prove my point, just last night, Jones showed off his baseball stupidity to a tee. He misplayed a double off the wall into a triple, he grounded into a 3-2 double play on a bad pitch with the bases loaded and one out, and he missed a hittable pitch by 18 inches on an ill-advised hit and run (To be fair, what in God’s name was Lou thinking calling a hit-and-run with his worst contact hitter at the plate?).

Please go away, Jacque. It’s for the best.

Low Point: Jones’ numerous Moises Alou-like baserunning blunders are tempting, but I think I’m going to have to go with May 26, 2006. With the Cubs facing the Atlanta Braves at Wrigley, starter Carlos Zambrano is wild early, walking four batters in the first inning, including a bases-loaded RBI walk to “The Unwalkable” Jeff Francoeur. One thing Zambrano didn’t do in the first inning was allow a hit. Nor did he do it in the second, third, or fourth, all the way until there were two outs in the seventh inning. Zambrano’s no-hit bid was intact when Wilson Betemit hit a routine popup to Jones in right field. Jones, despite his idiotic sunglasses and apparently having not yet learned to use his glove to shield his eyes, managed to lose the ball in the sun. The ball dropped for a double. A hit and a run later, and Zambrano’s day was done with the Cubs clinging to a 4-2 lead. Jones had a chance to redeem himself in the bottom of the seventh inning with the Cubs leading 5-2. With two outs and a runner on second, Jones had a chance to give the Cubs an insurance run. Jones struck out looking. The Braves came back, and the Cubs lost the game 6-5.

Did You Know? Jones is the only person named “Jacque” ever to play Major League baseball. That may be, but I know for a fact he’s not the only player to have the middle name “F@#$ing.”

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