#25: Jerry “As Annoying as Gum in Your” Hairston, Jr.
Quick question. When you were growing up, and you joined your first tee ball team, what is the first thing your coach taught you about first base? That’s right. Run past first base. Past first base. Unless you think there is going to be a tag play at first, there is absolutely no reason to ever slide into first base. Even if you missed that lesson, certainly you heard Steve Stone mention numerous times that sliding into first base actually takes longer than running through the bag, decreasing the odds that you’ll be safe at first.
Apparently, Jerry Hairston, Jr. missed that lesson. Or he was given the lesson and forgot it immediately thereafter. Both are likely scenarios, as Hairston is most likely the stupidest player to make an appearance on The Bottom 126.
Do you remember a close play at first base when Hairston didn’t slide?
The eight times that Hairston was actually safe at first, he was generally doubled off on a liner, picked off, or thrown out stealing third with two outs. The Cubs seriously traded slugger Sammy Sosa for this guy? Only the Cubs could turn Hall of Famers Greg Maddux and Sammy Sosa into Cesar Izturis and Jerry Hairston, Jr.
Prior to the 2005 season, after Sosa had worn out his welcome with the Cubs, they traded him to the Baltimore Orioles for Hairston, Mike Fontenot, and David Crouthers.
They should have just hung on to Sosa.
Hairston played horribly enough that even Dusty Baker couldn’t think of a reason to play him that wasn’t completely laughable. Hairston was impotent at the plate, and he wasn’t much better in the field. He was allegedly a “utility” fielder, meaning he sucked at second base as well as all three outfield positions.
Hairston also had the unfortunate distinction of having one of those names that Ron Santo had absolutely no chance of pronouncing correctly. Generally, Santo went with “Hair-is-ton,” giving the name one syllable for each 10 points of Hairston’s IQ.
Hairston was recently implicated along with Gary Matthews, Jr. in the recent Florida steroid bust. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that conversation.
MATTHEWS: Junior, we both pretty much suck. We’ve gotta do something, or we’re going to get cut.
HAIRSTON: What is that?
MATTHEWS: Is a baseball, Junior. But I also have some steroids in my locker that might help us.
HAIRSTON: How are little men who stare at people going to help us?
MATTHEWS: …
HAIRSTON: What’s that needle for?
MATTHEWS: It’s for the steroids. Just roll up your sleeve.
HAIRSTON: Okay.
MATTHEWS: That’s your pant leg. Your sleeve.
HAIRSTON: Are you sure this is going to help?
MATTHEWS: I’m sure it’ll help me. I’m not sure about you.
HAIRSTON: Are these stronger than Flintstones vitamins?
Hairston’s steroid abuse led to prodigious power. I think his career .362 SLG is all the proof you need of that.
The Cubs traded Hairston to Texas on May 31, 2006, for fellow B126er Phil Nevin. And we have come full circle. Yay!
Low Point: May 3, 2005. The Cubs are in Milwaukee taking on the Brewers. Hairston actually leads off the game with a hit! Holy crap! Don’t get too excited, though. After getting moved over to second base on a Corey Patterson grounder (What a one-two punch Hairston and Patterson was!), Hairston thought it would be a good idea to try to steal third with the prodigious slugger Aramis Ramirez at the plate and Derrek Lee coming up. Hairston was, of course, thrown out, nullifying the one good thing he did in the game. Hairston went 0-for the rest of the game with a strikeout as the Cubs lost 4-1.
Did You Know? Hairston is from Naperville, Illinois, home of Hire Jim Essian! So that’s two things that have come out of Naperville that angry up your blood!
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to Hire Jim Essian to get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
TDubbs The shitty part. Literally. There’s shit all over the backyard. And I peed on the fence once. or ten times
[...] what was the deal with Tavarez diving headfirst into first base on routine outs? The guy was the Jerry Hairston, Jr. of pitchers. All those times he slid into first, and he couldn’t have snapped his throwing [...]
CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
and to think I was happy we got Jr but that only lasted until I found out it was not Griffey Jr, but this scrub. You fucking suck Jerry!