#46: Matt “Not My Darling” Clement “ine”

Don’t tell Matt Clement he made The Bottom 126. He’s likely to cry. Or is that how he always looks?

Let’s get something straight right off the bat. Clement wasn’t bad as a Cub. In fact, he strung together his three best seasons while in a Cub uniform.

So why The Bottom 126? Clement picked up the win, after all, in the Cubs’ division-clinching game in 2003. He seems like a nice enough Amish guy, right?

Three reasons:

1. He, along with Antonio Alfonseca, cost the Cubs Dontrelle Willis right before the start of the 2002 season.
2. He was putrid during the second half of the 2004 season (which, after the acquisition of Maddux, was supposed to be the Cubs’ season), right around the time the Cubs decided to take a dive.
3. He wasn’t man enough to take the ball in Game 6. You know which Game 6 I’m talking about.

If there is one Cub pitcher who stands head and shoulders above all others in causing me bloody hangnails in the past few decades, that pitcher is Matt Clement. Did you ever once feel good when Clement took the mound? No matter his numbers, Clement somehow managed to make me queasy every fifth day. Perhaps it was because Clement himself constantly looked like the new guy in the homicide division who vomits into the grass at his first crime scene.

Mound presence and Matt Clement have never even heard of one another.

A far worse crime on The Bottom 126, however, is having anything to do with the Cubs’ 2003 demise. Allegedly, Clement, who had pitched well in Game 4 of the series, declared himself unavailable for bullpen duty in Game 6. Matt, in Games 6 and 7 of the NLCS, there is no tomorrow. Did Randy Johnson puss out of the 2001 World Series? No. He dragged his lanky ass and mullet out of that bullpen and helped finish off the Yankees.

How badass you would have been, Matt, if you had trotted down to the bullpen in the 7th inning of Game 6? In that horrible 8th inning, I certainly would have rather seen you come in and try to stop the bleeding than Kyle Farnsworth, Mike Remlinger, and Antonio Alfonseca. But you were “unavailable,” which to me says you were praying to your Amish god that you wouldn’t be called upon again to help the Cubs get to the World Series. Damnit, Matt. I even had “Wild Thing” cued up for you on my CD player.

Of course, 2003 never happened, 2004 was far, far worse, and after 2004 Clement left the Cubs to join the Red Sawx, bumping him up another few slots on The Bottom 126. Thanks for the one memory, Matt. If only you’d had the guts to give us one more.

Low Point: May 28, 2004. Clement drills Bobby Hill, Jason Kendall, and Craig Wilson in one inning during a game against the Pirates, tying a Major League record. The Cubs were leading 1-0 before the inning, and left it down 4-1. They lost the game 9-5. “Excuse me, Mr. Clement, can I have your autograph? I saw your record on the news. You made their Hall of Shame. Congratulations.”

Did You Know? Clement was the pitcher during what may be the longest at bat in Major League history. On May 12, 2004, against the Los Angeles Dodgers, Clement had to throw 18 pitches during a single at-bat to Alex Cora in the bottom of the 7th inning. Cora fouled 14 straight pitches off Clement before finally hitting a home run. How very typical.

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