#57: John Mabry “He’ll Get a Hit, But Probabry He Won’t”

There are two unavoidable truths about John Mabry that make him utterly unlikeable.

1. He spent the majority of his career in a Cardinal uniform.
2. Once in a Cubs uniform, he was so worthless with a bat that he couldn’t hit rock bottom if he went “clubbing” with Edmonds and LaRussa drove.

Mabry was signed as a free agent before the 2006 season as the primary left-handed hitter off the bench. The Cubs didn’t realize they had a better left-handed hitting option in switch-hitter Carlos Zambrano, who outslugged Mabry by 73 points in 2006. He also out-homered Mabry by one.

If you don’t remember what a debacle the 2006 season was, God bless you. If you want to remain blissfully unaware, stop reading this entry right now. Good? Okay. For the rest of you, I don’t know if you knew immediately after Rafael Furcal ripped Derrek Lee’s arm off his body or if you figured it out soon thereafter, but the season was over right about the time that the Cubs were forced into a Todd Walker-John Mabry platoon at first base. And when I say “platoon” I mean like the movie Platoon, where nobody wins and everyone is suspicious that they were molested in their sleep by Charlie Sheen.

Jim Hendry probably should have been suspicious of Mabry when the Cardinals were happier paying the flamboyant Scott Spiezio to play for them than Mabry. He should have been even more suspicious when Mabry showed up to play the first day of Spring Training wearing no batting gloves, a plastic glove, and cuffed jeans.

Delaware has given the rest of the United States quite a bit of its refuse. Judge Reinhold. Ryan Phillipe. “Pam” from Meet the Parents WHO WAS THE REAL REASON THE WHOLE WEEKEND GOT RUINED! STAND BY YOUR MAN, BITCH! But only one thing from Delaware helped ruin my summer last year. And that thing was John Mabry.

Low Point: July 26, 2006. Mark Prior is actually pitching (and pitching well enough to win) in a real Major League baseball game against real hitters with a ball instead of a towel in Shea Stadium. The Cubs are, of course, getting stymied by Mets pitcher John Maine (the second most boring state in America, behind only Delaware), who goes 7 innings, gives up only 3 hits and no runs while striking out 7 Cubs. Wait. Scratch that. Maine only struck out 5 Cubs. He just wound up with 7 strikeouts because he whiffed Mabry 3 times. The Cubs still had a chance to win the game, though, as they took the Mets into the 10th inning of a scoreless game. Mabry led off the top of the 10th with a walk and was bunted to second by Angel Pagan. Since Mabry is slow as death and Dusty Baker decided to keep a piano strapped to the winning run’s back at second base, he was unable to advance on an infield single to third off the bat of Ronny Cedeno. Had he been able to, perhaps we would have seen a suicide squeeze instead of two infield popups by sluggers Neifi Perez and Juan Pierre. And maybe the momentum would have swung, so we wouldn’t have had to watch Jose Mother F@#$ing Valentin hit a walkoff, bases-loaded single in the bottom of the 10th off Glendon Rusch (after Rusch had recorded the first two outs of the inning before lighting himself on fire). I loathe Jose Valentin and his perfect mustache. Thanks a f@#$ing lot, John.

Did You Know? Mabry has a terrible nickname, even by Cub standards (”Mabes”? Really?).

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