Hire Jim Essian

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

With "Play Ball!" Day rapidly approaching, fluff pieces about bunting tournaments and Alfonso Soriano leading off are giving way to real news. Like Ryan Dempster getting another Opening Day start despite Matt Garza being a far better pitcher, comedian, and human being.

Dear Mr. Epstein and Mr. Hoyer, Congratulations to you both on the new positions in Chicago. As you may have already noticed, the city of Chicago is pretty goddamned happy that you're here. We've suffered under such an inept regime for such a long time, that we don't really know how to react to good news about the Cubs. I'm not going to apologize for the actions of psychopaths, but that's part of the reason people were creepily watching you drink coffee and walk around, Mr. Epstein. Um, and you, too, Mr. Hoyer. I suppose.

Today, a lot of stupid people are celebrating the fact that Carlos Zambrano is no longer a Cub. I'm not. Whether or not one thought Big Z needed to go (he almost certainly did), the end of the right-hander's amazing Cub career should have been met with "thanks for the memories and good luck, Z!" Rather than remembering the big lug for the incredible things he did in a Cubs uniform, too many people are gleefully dancing on his Cub grave and pretending that paying Chris Volstad $18M to pitch for the Cubs is WAY BETTER than paying Carlos Zambrano $18M to pitch for the Cubs. It's not, and I LIKE Volstad.

And here's to you, Reed Johnson. We all love you more than Theriot, And Fontenot. You're so scrappy, Reed Johnson. We love to watch you make a diving play. Give fly balls chase. Smash your face.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

I wish Steve Rosenbloom understood that contrarian arguments are only good if the contrary view is at least reasonable. Like, the growing "The Walking Dead is dreadfully boring with horrible acting and bad writing" movement that I fully support. But Rosenbloom just takes ANY popular topic and says the exact opposite. Which is why his latest masterpiece essentially posits, "WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THE CUBS WANT PRINCE FIELDER OR ALBERT PUJOLS???"

I was out all day, so I hope I beat all the other blogs to that headline. Theo Epstein has made his first signing since joining the Chicago Cubs. Right fielder David DeJesus joins the Cubs to give them the left-handed power that Jim Hendry has sought for YEARS. The 32-year-old has spent the majority of his 9-year career in Kansas City (poor bastard), and he had a disappointing 2011 season with the Athletics. He's a career .284/.356/.421 hitter, which makes him about a thousand times better than Tyler Colvin and Tony Campana combined. Plus, he plays a pretty terrific right field. I know everyone was hoping for Epstein to come in and figure out a way to sign both Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder. But it's the little moves like this that are going to improve the team. Or at least make them watchable until they're ready to compete. I like it, especially since he comes pretty cheap, according to our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN.

I have an inescapable, unexplained disdain for Randy Wells. It's a powerful force that has survived both his bad years and his good. Wells strikes me as a less-talented Matt Clement. He has that Clement manner of looking over his shoulder at the bullpen whenever the going gets rough. He's a converted catcher, meaning he was an absolute failure at the plate. He's also a Rule 5 draft guy, and the track record of those guys is, with a few notable exceptions, overwhelmingly bad. HE'S ALL THE BEST PARTS OF MATT CLEMENT, RAFAEL DOLIS, AND DAVID PATTON! So, when Pre told me this morning that the Cubs may be actively shopping Wells, I was excited.

Your worst nightmare has come true. You're in a room with no windows and no doors, and Ryan Dempster is doing George Bush impressions while black widow spiders crawl out of his eyes. ALSO, Sam Fuld is, apparently, THE BEST PLAYER IN BASEBALL! (HT: Pre) The formerly fat baby is leading the league in stolen bases with 7. ... Read More