Hire Jim Essian

There is a reason the Cubs haven't won anything in nearly a century of baseball. If you said, "Because of a goat!" "Because of the black cat!" or "Because of Steve Bartman!" go dunk your gonads in a beaker of hydrogen fluoride. We'll wait. Done? Hurt, didn't it? You deserved it. There is nothing magical or ... Read More

You know, I went to the Dominican Republic on my honeymoon. We stayed in La Romana, the birthplace of pitcher Antonio Alfonseca. It's too bad that my honeymoon didn't take place around July 16, 1971. That would have been right around the time that Mr. Alfonseca was laying it to Mrs. Alfonseca and conceiving their son, "El ... Read More

When it became clear that Corey Patterson was no longer welcome with the Cubs, they were in need of a superstar center fielder. When they couldn't find one, they settled on Juan Pierre. Pierre brought his undeserved reputation for being a good base stealer, his complete lack of power, his rag arm, and his idiotic McDonald's commercial with ... Read More

As you can see, the Bottom Ten Cubs of My Time are on deck. Due to the extra effort that is going to be required for these entries, as well as the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, here is the planned schedule: #10: Tuesday, May 29 #9: Wednesday, May 30 #8: Thursday, May 31 #7: Friday, June 1 #6: Monday, ... Read More

There have been times in my life when I have a thought so disturbing, violent, and horrific that I'm actually frightened that my human brain is able to come up with such a depraved image. Do you think it's coincidence that it only happens when someone mentions the name "Shawn Estes"? Maybe it was because the Cubs had better options ... Read More

Can pitchers end up in hell based solely on the pain and anguish that they caused the fans of the teams for whom they pitched? I hope so. I hope Roger Clemens is the Pitcher Devil. I hope he wears red pinstriped pajamas and a Yankees hat, and I hope that he reserved a special place in ... Read More

I'm almost certain that there isn't a single player on The Bottom 126 to this point who is a worse person than Julian Tavarez. Tavarez was despicable in every possible way, and I think I would rather enjoy punching him in his Braille face. Tavarez is exactly the sort of ignorant asshole that fans just love to watch fail. ... Read More

Congratulations, Jacque Jones! You're no longer the stupidest player on The Bottom 126! Nossir. Kyle Farnsworth just ran in and body-slammed the remaining smart out of himself, dropping you down to number two. You see, Kyle Farnsworth was one of the most maddening Cubs of my time. He had a million dollar arm, but you could buy ... Read More

He goes by many names: The Franchise, Employee #22, The Greatest College Pitcher Ever, Mary Prior. At one point, though, many years ago, he was Mark Prior, and he was destined to save the Cubs. In 2002 and 2003, it sure as hell looked like he might do just that. Prior won six games and posted a 3.32 ERA ... Read More

Three things about this Bottom 126 entry are inevitable: Kent Mercker isn't going to like it. Kent Mercker is going to have something to say about it. Kent Mercker will wait until I've retired as a blogger before actually saying anything about it. You may recall that Mercker, then with the Braves, pitched a no-hitter against the Los Angeles Dodgers on April 8, 1994. ... Read More