Hire Jim Essian

Now that Andre Dawson is going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, the war is on (HT: David Chalk). Will he wear a Cubs hat on his Cooperstown plaque, or an Expos hat? I vote for no hat at all, and just let that sweet Jheri curl fly. We're happily back to a normal Roundup ... Read More

Well, well, well. The two greatest baseball players in Chicago history are finally united in San Francisco. The Giants' signing of Mark DeRosa unites the stubbly heartthrob with Aaron Rowand, who made ladies swoon over the "run face-first into a wall" move before Reed Johnson thought of it. Thus, the 2010 Giants became an unstoppable juggernaut. ... Read More

The Roundup knows if you've been naughty, and it knows if you've been nice. It knows when you are sleeping, and it knows how to undo the lock on your bedroom door with a bobby pin. SLEEP WELL, LITTLE ONES. Since we'll have another early Roundup next week, tips go here. Science explains Milton Bradley's inability to count ... Read More

Well, well, well. It looks like Tiger Woods has been knocked off his high horse, elevating me back up to the most talented athlete and beloved man of the decade. The line starts behind the shattered heart of Elin Nordegren, ladies. I'm a little late with the Roundup. Deal with it. Tips are always loved. Mike ... Read More

So, the Winter Meetings wrapped up in Indianapolis yesterday, and the big move of the week was Jim Hendry dumping Milton Bradley on the- Wait, what? Whaddya mean, "He's still on the team"? If I told Hendry once, I told him a thousand times that I'd rather give up swearing than have Bradley back on this team. ... Read More

Oh, dear. In one offseason, we lose Mark DeRosa, and now folk hero Jake Fox is no longer a Cub! (HT: Luis) For whom will ridiculous Cubs fans blindly root? What will they do? I guess they could just celebrate the fact that Aaron Miles is no longer a Cub, either. One midget middle ... Read More

As our good friend Paul Sullivan pointed out in his Twitter feed, we're finally down an Aaron (Heilman), and have only Miles left to purge. (HT: Luis) If I didn't think Jim Hendry was going to trade Aramis, Marmol, Lee, Zambrano, and Lilly for Curtis Granderson, I might actually pat him on his pasty white back. As ... Read More

Oh, good to see you nerds. I figured everyone on the planet, including Chad Ochocinco, is playing Modern Warfare 2. When he's not Tweeting two hundred times a day. Thanks as always for the tips. How many times do you think Hef will get asked, "Do the Bunnies come with the deal?" If you can't afford the Bunnies, certainly ... Read More

Joe Girardi has always been a weird-looking dude. But until the folks at Halos Heaven pointed it out, I didn't realize how much he looks like Skeletor. Apparently, he used whatever the opposite of power of Greyskull is (the power of Snake Mountain?) on his way home from winning the World Series to assist a woman who had ... Read More

Happy Halloween, guys and ghouls. Ha ha ha! Seriously though, ghouls, do us all a favor and dress like sluts tomorrow. There's nothing scarier than Mark McGwire's pockmarks, so I assume you've had your fill of terror for this week. But I hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween. Thanks, as always, for ... Read More