Hire Jim Essian

Well, I'm late getting to the Roundup this week, since I had to read 85 Gordon Wittenmyer articles. Does that guy ever sleep? I imagine he looks like this: Crazy Uncle Gordo! So, here's all the news that fits in my pants: There's still time to get off your lazy asses and vote for Desipio! Domer MQ pointed out on ... Read More

Well, I guess it was only a matter of time before you heard those phrases you're so used to hearing in the same sentence: "Kerry Wood," "sidelined indefinitely," "minor strain," "right triceps." It's as regular as Rothschild's stool. Only this time, Wood gave you a glimpse of the old greatness. And then it all came crashing down ... Read More

Another day, another game, another picture of me looking sexy as hell. My posture says "casual," but my pants-bulge cries out "passion!" I have a lot to cover, kids. Apparently, the start of Spring Training is a big deal around here. In Tampa Bay, we tricked the fans into thinking Spring Training lasted through September. It took some of ... Read More

Okay, whores and boars. It's Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go: The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid's fantasy team. ... Read More

What's up, my uglies? Time for another Friday Roundup courtesy of the nut-swingingest manager in the Majors! Be careful getting out of those hot tubs, you yuppie assholes, and listen up: I beat some sense into Zambrano with a rubber hose, so now he wants to stay in Chicago. He doesn't want to "accidentally" fall down any more ... Read More

What the f@#$ is with all the "Spring Training Preview" articles this weekend? What, no one wanted to cover the Pro Bowl? Ha ha haaaa! Jerks. Well, I got out of bed earlier than usual this afternoon just so I could let you computer-illiterate punks know what's being said about Spring Training. Just think! Only a ... Read More

What's up, jerks? You done crying in your beers over your Bears getting abused by a guy name Peyton? That's gotta really sting, huh? That's like the Cubs losing a World Series to a guy named Sandberg. Ha ha! Just kidding. We'll never be in the World Series. Okay, you little pricks, are ... Read More

Happy Groundhog Day, cocksuckers.� The groundhog said there's gonna be an early spring, meaning Spring Training will be here early and you'll get Lou all over your face even sooner this year.� You like that?� You better. You think you're soooooo clever with this little site, huh? Well, you wouldn't be so clever if I jammed my fingers ... Read More