Hire Jim Essian

Hi to the greatest group of overemployed literates this side of the San Francisco Bay! It's me, Skip. Lou sent me a quick e-mail this morning, and I thought I'd help him out: From: Lou Piniella Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 11:29 AM To: Jim Essian Subject: Roundup Essian, No, nothing new has opened up here, for Christ's sake. Hey, I've got ... Read More

Only the Cubs would spend this season celebrating the anniversary of 100 years of championship-free baseball and the 25th anniversary of their manager calling all of their fans cocksuckers. Can we also please celebrate the five-year anniversary of the Game Six dick kick? Or the one-year anniversary of getting swept out of the playoffs by the team who ... Read More

Well, that bitch Mother Nature did what the Cardinals couldn't do this weekend: stopped us from winning. Sorry for you folks who really wanted to see that game. We plan on running away with this division, and not needing to make up the one we missed yesterday. The only bummer about the rainout was that we burned ... Read More

Are Cubs fans and media types always like this? Jeez, you guys are all ready to slash your wrists at the end of May, so we respond by playing well. Then, you all get up on your high horses and declare us a "team of destiny." Now we lose a couple games and everyone is ready to ... Read More

Is it me, or is the sun shining a little brighter this morning? My Cocoa Puffs were a little more flavorful, and they cut the roof of my mouth just a little bit less this morning. The prize inside? Well, for all intents and purposes, it was a first-place standing in the NL Central. I've said it before, ... Read More

Hey, we can't win them all, right? So yesterday's 6-0 beatdown by a shitty Nationals team was okay, right? Part of it was because Derrek Lee can't hit in Washington, right? And Rothschild realizes that Hill's curveball is breaking sideways instead of straight down, right? And he realizes it's way more effective when it's breaking down, ... Read More

Anyone still drunk from celebrating the might and majesty of Sosa's 600th home run? No? Whaddya mean, "No one cares"? That's crazy talk! Well, any reason to drink a whole bottle of Old Crow and pass out in the hotel elevator is reason enough for me. Look, I know there are some people out there still clinging ... Read More

The only way that weekend could have been any better would have if Lee had landed that haymaker on Young's smug f@#$ing mouth. Or if, at least, a bunch of pencil-pushing weenies wouldn't have turned into Chris Young apologists for it. Or, you know, if Zambrano had finished the no-hitter. Or if we'd at least have won ... Read More

It's "catch up on the news" time, but first a moment of silence for the fine gentlemen at Thunder Matt's Saloon. Look, their boy Murton may have been sent down yesterday, but that doesn't mean the end of the Saloon, which is good news for you, because there's a lot of great stuff to read over there. Remember how us ... Read More

Look, I'm not going to point fingers. But if I were, clearly I'd blame us for not scoring with no outs and the bases loaded in the 8th. However, when you're a struggling team inventing new ways to lose, shouldn't you start taking some f@#$ing chances? Did any of you expect us to score with no outs ... Read More