Hire Jim Essian

Let's just get this out of the way. Yes, that's me and Soriano. Yes, I'm fucking sexy. Yes, I stole the barrel I'm sitting on from one of those annoying fucking kids who hit them with drum sticks on the El. Yes, I'm going to kick Albert Chen in the penis for not picking us to win ... Read More

MESA, Ariz.--Nearly lost in all of the commotion of Spring Training was an internal promotion. Due to the departure of Glendon Rusch recently following his health problems during the season, Cubs' left-handed reliever Scott Eyre was promoted Tuesday to the role of DUFLOOGY ("Designated Ugly Fat Lefty One Out GuY"). Ladies, beware. Also, ham sandwiches, beware. Eyre accepted the honor graciously. ... Read More

I'm back. Ohman won the milk-chugging contest. It was fricking gross. He should have told someone he's lactose-intolerant. I tell everyone I meet that I'm jackass-intolerant. This means you, Hendry. Anyhow, so much crap keeps happening, that I feel the need to keep you idiots informed. That way, when someone says, "Did you ... Read More

My God do I have a headache, and we haven't played a single game. The fellas at Wrigleyville23 sent another picture of me. "There. You see that? When Prior bends over you can totally tell he's not packing testicles." I'm so pissed that I'm starting to wear my hat like a tee-ball coach. You know those guys who wear ... Read More

All right. I've already had it with this shit. Oh, for fuck's sake, NO ONE remembered to bring a ball? Thanks to Wrigleyville23 for sending me the lovely picture of myself. God, I'm pissed at this team already. Here's why: Dempster ain't gonna cut it as a closer. He even admits that he let himself turn into a fat piece of ... Read More

Dear Idiot Cubs Fans, Bad Kermit asked if I'd check in every once in a while during the season and do like a diary about the team and about how everything is going. I'll see what I can do. Holy crap the idiots in the media have the BIGGEST BONER over me saying that I wanted to develop a "Cubbie swagger." ... Read More

I thought you idiots might enjoy the Valentine's Day cards that I'm sending to my players on the first day that pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. To Carlos Zambrano: So happy to meet you! So glad we've made contact! Now shut the hell up, And sign a damn contract. To Ryan Dempster: I hear you're a clown. I hear you're a cut-up. One thing that you're not, Is ... Read More

MESA, Ariz.--Spring Training has finally arrived, as pitchers, catchers, and grumpy new managers are reporting to camps in Arizona and Florida. Here are five poorly-thought-out questions that need answering in Spring Training: Carlos Zambrano's contract. What's up with that? Ryan Dempster vs. Kerry Wood as closer. What's up with that? Will Jacque Jones be traded? What's up with ... Read More