Our good friend Hitler is back, and he’s not too happy to hear that Aramis Ramirez is hurt.

Even though it seems like there hasn’t been much excitement in Spring Training, Lou Piniella’s Gmail Inbox tells another story. Lucky for you, HJE has full access to Lou’s account (and, yes, I KNOW it’s becoming an internet meme).


Click for Larger Size

Happy Groundhog Day, needlenoses. Thank you a thousand times over to Morpheus for the Photoshop.

INT.–BED AND BREAKFAST ROOM–MORNING

LOU PINIELLA lies asleep in bed when his clock radio goes off. Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe” blares through the radio as Lou is startled out of his slumber. Lou gets out of bed and starts getting ready to face the day as the song ends, and the morning talk show hosts begin their witty banter.

HOST 1: Okay, campers, rise and shine.

HOST 2: Don’t forget your booties because it’s cold out there today.

HOST 1: It’s cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?

Lou has an odd sense of deja vu.

LOU: You’re playing the wrong tape, idiots. You just said all this a couple days ago. And the day before that. And the October before that.

HOST 2: Don’t forget. Game Three of the NLDS between the Cubs and Dodgers is tonight, and the big question on everyone’s lips-

HOST 1: On their chapped lips.

HOST 2: Yes, on their chapped lips is, “Are the Cubs going to be able to avoid losing nine consecutive postseason games?”

HOST 1: Nine in a row? Ouch. That hurts worse than my divorce!

Lou hurls a shoe at the radio, knocking it off the nightstand, breaking it, and silencing the radio hosts. He climbs into the shower and is shocked by a stream of freezing cold water.

INT.–BED AND BREAKFAST LOBBY–MORNING

Lou, still feeling an odd sense of deja vu walks downstairs to the hotel lobby, only to be greeted by MRS. LANCASTER, the bed and breakfast owner.

MRS. LANCASTER: Did you sleep well, Mr. Piniella?

LOU: I slept alone, Mrs. Lancaster. Do you ever have deja vu, Mrs. Lancaster?

MRS. LANCASTER: I don’t think so, but I could check with the kitchen. Do you expect a win tonight?

LOU: I’d say there’s about an eighty percent chance of us winning. Eighty. Seventy-five.

EXT.–LOS ANGELES–MOMENTS LATER

Lou leaves the bed and breakfast only to nearly crash into NED YOST.

NED: Lou? Lou Piniella?

Lou feels as though he met Ned yesterday, but Ned doesn’t seem to remember.

NED: Don’t tell me you don’t remember me. “Needlenose Ned”? “Ned the Head”? C’mon, buddy. The NL Central. I tried to murder CC Sabathia down the stretch? Bing. Ned Yost, had my first baby the same year that my team was in the 1982 playoffs, and I said the playoffs were a better experience? Bing, again. Ned Yost, I dated your sister a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

LOU: Ned Yost?

NED: Bing! Do you have life insurance, Lou? Because if you do, you could always use a little more, I mean, who couldn’t? But let me tell you something – I got’s a feeling

Ned whistles.

NED: You ain’t got any. Am I right, or am I right? Or am I right? My right. My right.

LOU: You’re selling life insurance now?

NED: Bing again!

LOU: Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you… but I’m not going to.

Lou steps off the curb into a large puddle of water. Ned laughs boisterously.

NED: Watch that first step! It’s a dooooooozy!

INT.–DODGER STADIUM–AFTERNOON

Lou walks into the dugout, where LARRY ROTHSCHILD sits, drinking bourbon. Lou fidgets with his lineup card and sits down on the bench next to Larry.

LOU: Larry, you ever feel like you’re living the same day over and over and over?

Larry takes a large pull on his bourbon.

LARRY: Every day.

Larry hands the drink to Lou.

LARRY: I always drink to world peace.

LOU: To world peace.

The two both drink their drinks.

LOU: I was in the World Series once. We were huge underdogs. The other team was all roided up. We swept them in four games. That was a pretty good series. Why couldn’t I get that series over and over and over… What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

LARRY: That about sums it up for me. I try to shake things up a little bit. You know? Do something different.

Lou looks down at his lineup card.

LOU: Maybe you’re right.

Lou crosses off “FUKUDOME” in the second spot of his batting order and writes in “FONTENOT.”

LOU: Larry, I think everything’s going to be ooooookay tonight.

Larry belches.

LOU: You want to throw up here, or you want to throw up in the clubhouse?

LARRY: I think…both.

THE END

Just when you thought ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball couldn’t get any worse, it does. ESPN has announced that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan will be joined by FORMER GENERAL MANAGER OF THE NEW YORK METS, Steve Phillips (thanks to Zach for the link). It has long baffled me that ESPN plays up Phillips’ former job. He got fired for an astonishing level of ineptitude. Soooooo, why keep bringing it up? “Hey, Steve, remember that job you got fired from? Wasn’t that around the same time that you were diagnosed with cancer, and you found out your wife was banging your brother? … What?”

I don’t know about you, but I ordinarily don’t even watch Sunday Night Baseball anymore unless the Cubs are playing. Miller’s over-pronunciation of Latin names, unusual pauses, and inexplicable hyper-excitability drive me nuts. Morgan’s total lack of preparation and smug, shameless self-promotion are even worse. If you’re into train wrecks, the addition of Phillips is nothing short of amazing. Let’s run down the colossal failures of Phillips: Mo Vaughn, Roberto Alomar, Pedro Astacio, Mike Bordick, Bobby Bonilla, Rickey Henderson, Kenny Rogers, Jeromy Burnitz, and Kazuo Matsui. Those guys would have all been great additions in 1996, 1999, 1993, never, 1990, 1980, 1995, 1997, and never. Unfortunately for Phillips, he added them in 2002, 2002, 2002, 2000, 1992, 1999, 1999, 2002, and 2004. So, he only missed having a decent team by about 48 years or so.

If you don’t want to bother watching a single pitch of Sunday Night Baseball, HJE is here to provide you with a quick synopsis of how every single broadcast will go.

MILLER: WELCOME! To another installment…of ESPN Sunday Night…Baseball? Sitting here alongside me are…Hall of Fame…second baseman? Yo Moor-GAIN! With us this…year is former general manager of the…New? York Mets. Stee-VEN FILL-yoops!

MORGAN: Thank, you, Jon. I’m glad to be here, on a field similar to the one on which I played when I played with the Big Red Machine with Johnny Bench, Pete Rose, Tony Perez, Babe Ruth, and Ted Williams.

MILLER: Fascinating?

PHILLIPS: That story reminds me of this one day when I was general manager of the New York Mets. Former All-Star catcher and formerly suspected homosexual until he married Playboy Playmate, Mike Piazza-

MORGAN: You know, Piazza and I were once on an episode of Married…With Children.

MILLER: That is one of the most amazing things…I’ve ever! Heard!

MORGAN: I had sex with Christina Applegate in between shooting scenes, way better than Ryne Sandberg would have.

PHILLIPS: Former owner of her own two breasts Christina Applegate?

MILLER: Crrrrrrrris-ta-NA. Ap-PELL-gah-tay?

MORGAN: That’s the one. That was right before I invented Sudoku.

MILLER: Soo-doo-QUO! Let’s take a quick break and go to Crease Bear-MAN in…the studio! For our ESPN? Update! Crease?

BERMAN: Every Tuesday, I pay a woman a thousand dollars to shove her fist up my ass! She’s a Lady “When I’m With You I’m Smiling” of the Night!

MILLER: Thank you? Crease!

MORGAN: Back when I played, Pedro Borbon used to pay a woman to hold a plastic bag over his face.

PHILLIPS: Former erotic-asphyxiator Pedro Borbon? I tried to sign him prior to the 1999 season to go along with former pitcher for the former Wild Card-winning New York Mets, Masato Yoshii.

MILLER: Mazz-a-TOE Yo-SHEE-ee-ee!

MORGAN: He won thirty-five games for the Mets during the 1999 season.

MILLER: Back to the game, I see…IT’S ENDED! About twenty? Minutes ago! THAT DOES IT! For this broadcast of ay-essay-pay-en ay, I am? Huan MEAL-er with Jo-ee Mire-gawn and Stee-eve File-oops. Good night, folks?

What can I say? I love internet memes.

Just when you thought the Yankees’ elimination from the 2008 postseason would be the end of Yankees talk for the year, some idiot writes this idiocy. It’s time to face reality. Win. Lose. Tear their stadium down brick by dingy brick. There is no escaping the Yankees. I, for one, welcome our Yankee overlords and will embrace them by presenting the Cubs-Dodgers NLDS predictions from the eyes of a message board Yankees fan.

HIRE JIM ESSIAN: Thanks for coming in today, YanksFanSopranoLuvrJeets2.

YANKSFANSOPRANOLUVRJEETS2: Well, well, well. Look at the wittle, bitty babies in the postseason for the first time ever!

HJE: Huh?

YF: Ain’t it ka-yute that the Dodgers and the Cubs are finally in the postseason?

HJE: The Cubs were in the postseason last year. The Dodgers were in it in 2006. The Cubs have seventeen playoff appearances in their history. The Dodgers have twenty-six.

YF: Aww, the precious wittle babies have been to the pwayoffs a bunch of times! Isn’t that pwecious. Suck on forty-seven playoff appearances!

HJE: I’m not even sure how it would be physically possible to suck on that.

YF: It’s like my junk!

HJE: Neat. Anyhow, we’re here to make predictions on the Cubs-Dodgers NLDS, which begins tonight at 5:30 Central Time.

YF: Central Time? What the fuck is Central Time?

HJE: It’s the time zone that Chicago is in. It’s an hour behind Eastern Time.

YF: Are you trying to tell me that it’s not 12:30 by you right now?

HJE: No. It’s only 11:30 here.

YF: So, Yankee games come on at 6:00 out there?

HJE: Actually, we usually only get Yankee games that are on ESPN. So, like 75% of them.

YF: What?

HJE: Seriously. Anyhow, the Cubs are taking on the Dodgers tonight. Ryan Dempster is throwing against Derrek Lowe.

YF: Derek Lowe? Derek Lowe? Derek fucking Lowe? That fucking Red Sock?

HJE: Well, he’s with the Dodgers now. For, like four seasons now.

YF: Fuck that guy. You guys will light him up.

HJE: I agree, but mostly because he’s great in Chavez Ravine (9-5, 2.30 ERA, opponents’ OPS .541) but sort of crappy away from home (5-6, 4.42 ERA, opponents’ OPS .747).

YF: He’s also a former Red Sock.

HJE: Very good. I’d like to see the Cubs’ “Big Three” of Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee, and Alfonso Soriano get off to a good start.

YF: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alfonso Soriano is still in baseball?

HJE: Yes.

YF: Is he still a jagoff?

HJE: I don’t- What? No, not really.

YF: That guy abandoned the Yankees.

HJE: The Yankees actually traded him for Alex Rodriguez, but that was like five seasons-

YF: Don’t even get me started on that useless piece of crap.

HJE: I would prefer not to. What do you think the keys to this series are?

YF: Joey Four Rings!

HJE: You’re referring, of course, to Joe Torre.

YF: Yeah, he’ll lead the Dodgers to a three-game sweep!

HJE: Really? Because the Dodgers were pretty mediocre until Manny Ramirez came over.

YF: Who?

HJE: Manny Ramirez.

YF: Manny Ramirez is a fucking Dodger?

HJE: Yes.

YF: Cubs in three.

HJE: You’re just going to change your-

YF: Cubs in three.

Since HJE has insider access that even the cameras don’t have, allow me to present this scene which unfolded prior to last night’s game in Arizona.

EXT.–CHASE FIELD IN ARIZONA–DAY

LOU PINIELLA stands on the field at Chase Field, where his players prepare for that night’s game against the Diamondbacks. Players are jogging around, throwing, and fielding ground balls. Lou’s bench coach ALAN TRAMMELL stands next to him and observes the baseball activities.

How are we going to fix this, Lou?


Fix what?


The offense, Lou. The offense has been awful lately.


Okay, okay, okay. Just give me a minute here. What did we do the first two days in Arizona? Did we have batting practice?


No.


No? And how many runs did we score?


Two.


Two? TWO?! Are you sure you’re not looking at Santo’s scorecard?


Pretty sure, Lou. Santo keeps his scorecard with a crayon.


That reminds me of the one time Fontenot jammed a crayon so far up his nose that he couldn’t move his legs for a week.


You say something, coach?


Never you mind, you pigment-challenged midget! Go stand some place where your skin isn’t going to blind me!


Fontenot crawls underneath the dugout bench.


Now, where was I?


You were trying to figure out how to get the team hitting better by doing something other than taking batting practice.


That’s right. You, there! Cedeno!


Yeah, Coach?


Spin in a circle and wave your arms around!


Like this, Coach?


Exactly! Edmonds!


Yo, yo, yiggidy yo, Skip.


Drop and give me a thousand leg lifts. And for God’s sake, man, put a shirt on.


Can I get a spotter, Skip?


No, you may not. Fukudome!


Right over here, Coach.


Isn’t there anything you used to do in Japan to break out of a slump? Some sort of ancient Japanese ritual or tradition?


I have just the thing. I’ll be right back.


Fukudome disappears into the locker room.


I like that kid. He’s okay.


Yeah. Good kid.


Fukudome returns from the locker room.


How’s this, Coach?


Perfect! Theriot!


That’s me, Skipper!


Do you still have your invisible fire engine?


Do I ever!


I need you to drive it to Potbelly and get me a wreck with extra hot peppers.


WHOOOOOOO OOOOOO WHOOOOOOOO!


Theriot dashes toward the clubhouse, but runs face first into the wall next to the clubhouse door.


Thank God he was wearing his helmet. You think any of this is going to work, Lou?


Hell yes. Just as long as we let Aramis sacrifice a chicken before the game. But where are we going to get a chicken?


Did someone say “chicken”?

CARLOS MARMOL enters the office of manager LOU PINIELLA. Lou sits behind his desk writing out a lineup card.

You wanted to see me, Coach?


Come on in, Carlos. I have great news for you!


Oh, God, what?


Kerry is out of the All-Star Game with blisters. You know what that means?


Please, Coach, I’m so very tired.


That’s right! You’re going to the All-Star Game!


Coach, I was really hoping to get some rest over the All-Star Break. In fact, I was sort of surprised that you didn’t shut me down for a week or so before the break.


Are you kidding me? You’re lucky you get an offseason. In fact, from this point forward, you don’t get an offseason.


But, Coach.


What are you doing right now, Carlos?


I was going to go see the trainer.


The hell with that, Carlos! I want you to throw a simulated game. Right now.


Coach, I just threw thirty-four pitches in one inning today.


And you’ll throw a hundred fifty more in twelve simulated innings!


Twelve simulated innings?


I want you to get used to game situations, and it’s entirely possible that we might get into a twelve-inning game.


Coach, I’m ready for game situations.


You’re damn right you are. And you’ll be ready for All-Star Game situations.


What, Coach?


I talked to Hurdle, and convinced him to let you throw all nine innings on Tuesday.


Why would you do that?


Because I hate you, Carlos. Now, I want you to use your right arm to help me move my desk.


Coach, your desk is solid oak!


Solid oak and filled with books


Where are we moving it?


Up a flight of stairs and then back down again. Four times.


Coach, that doesn’t really make sense.


Sure it does. But we’re not going to get anything done until you help me unjam my industrial paper shredder.


What’s jammed in there?


A red-hot curling iron.


How in the world did you get a curling iron stuck in there?


Never mind that. Here, hold my chainsaw.


Can I turn it off first?


No, you may not.


Coach, why are you punching me in the arm?


Just helping you loosen up.


You’re hurting me.


Ha ha ha! You’re okay, Carlos. Now, get out of here. Take the back stairs. I just had them greased.

PICTURE REDACTED, BECAUSE OF THIS GUY —>
It happens all the time during that glorious time of year that is the Major League Baseball season. I get out of work around 6:00 or 6:15, I start my drive home, and I get stuck in traffic. 6:30 rolls around, and I’m still wending my way home, when I get the urge, against my better instincts, to tune my radio to AM 720 for the “WGN Cubs Radio 720 (deep breath) Cubs Central Pregame.” Why? Why do I do this to myself? I guess I have the hope that Sweet Uncle Lou will have at least one hilarious quote during the Lou Piniella Show, but at what cost do I wait for it? The pregame is absolutely maddening, and it’s the same goddamn thing every single time. As a favor to myself, to everyone else tired of the banality of the pregame show, and to the out-of-town readers who don’t have the torment privilege of listening to the show, I’ve boiled it down from you in nice, condensed form. Instead of spending the half hour listening to the show every game, just go ahead and read this handy post before every game.

You’re welcome.

DISEMBODIED ANNOUNCER: The following is a presentation of WGN Sports.

CORY PROVUS: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Cubs Central Pregame. I’m your host, Cory Provus. Hey, don’t forget to read my blog on WGNRadio.com. Sure, the blog has been up since way back when Andy Masur was here in August of 2006, and sure, as far as I can tell, no one has ever left a single comment on any of the entries, but that doesn’t mean you’re not reading. Does it? To give you an idea of what’s coming up on Cubs Central Pregame, it’s the same thing as it is every single game. First, we’ll take a look at what happened last night. Then, we’ll have the starting lineups and starting pitcher matchups. After that, we’ll take a look around the league via the “Square D out-of-town scoreboard,” which I promise is not just “the internet.” That’ll be followed by the Lou Piniella Show with Ron Santo, and then Ron Santo will have a special interview with Cubs second baseman, Mike Fontenot. But first, joining me on Cubs Central Pregame is the top 4/5ths of Cub legend Ron Santo. Ronnie, earlier this year, you’d been sick for a while, and I got a lot of e-mails asking how you’re doing. In fact, during the games you were gone, we devoted at least half the pregame show to assuring the fans that you’re not dead. So, the fans want to know. How are you feeling?

RON SANTO: Well, Andy- I mean, Cory. (CLEARS THROAT DIRECTLY INTO MICROPHONE) I’m still feeling a bit under the weather, as always. I still have a bit of a cough, and I’m still producing something in my lungs that’s not quite tar, but it’s not quite saliva. Also, the last couple of times I checked, I had skid marks. But, I love being here, and I love these great, great fans, and I want to be out here whenever I can. Thank you to all my fans for the support.

PROVUS: Well, I know these fans missed you, and it’s great to have you back, Ronnie.

SANTO: Well, it’s great to be back, Andy- Cory.

PROVUS: Well, Ronnie, the Cubs won a thriller last night.

SANTO: Oh, boy, you know it. The way this ballclub has been playing, you just feel like they’re going to be in every game, and that’s been the case so far this year for just about every game. And that’s a big difference from recent years with this ballclub, when you knew their manager was absolutely going to lose the game for them. A big, big difference.

PROVUS: Well, the Cubs got down early because of a shaky beginning from starter Ted Lilly.

Provus plays the radio broadcast.

PAT HUGHES: Lilly fires to Norton, and that’s a loooong drive to deep left field, and the Braves are going to take a 3-0 lead here in the first.

SANTO: Geez! You know? I just don’t get why this happens to us. Every time. It looks like Lilly is going to get out of a jam, he gets two outs, and then- You know? Before you know it. 3-0. Also, I dropped my keys in the toilet earlier today. AFTER, if you know what I mean.

PROVUS: But the Cubs rallied back, scoring six unanswered runs to make it a 6-3 Cub lead before Bob Howry came on in the 8th inning.

Provus plays the radio broadcast.

HUGHES: Swung on, and that’s a base hit for McCann, and Francoeur is going to score. Make it 6-4 Cubs, with runners on first and third, two outs, and Omar Infante coming to the plate.

SANTO: Who hit that? Andres Gallaraga?

HUGHES: That was Braves catcher Brian McCann, Ronnie.

SANTO: Oh. I drew a picture of him on my scorecard, because I didn’t catch the name, and it sort of looks like Gallaraga. He used to play with the Braves, didn’t he?

HUGHES: He did, indeed, Ronnie. And now Infante lines a base hit, and the Cubs lead is cut to only 6-5.

SANTO: (sighs loudly into microphone) Welp. You know. You gotta put these teams away. You can’t let them score any runs, ever, or you’ll never win another game ever again.

PROVUS: But Scott Eyre came in to collect the third out of the inning, which set up Geovany Soto to put the Braves away in the bottom of the 8th inning. With the Cubs up 7-5 with two outs, Soto came up with two men on base.

HUGHES: The 3-2 pitch. Soto hits a drive!

SANTO: Ohhhh, YES!

HUGHES: Deep left field! This one’s got a chaaaaaaaaaaance! GONE!

SANTO: All RIGHT!

HUGHES: Cubs lead 10-5. Geovany Soto with a big three-run home run into the basket in left field.

SANTO: Well, you know. Like I was saying earlier, the Cubs always put teams like this away. And for that home run, the Cubs are going to make a big, big donation to the WGN Neediest Kids who Walk for the Cure in Support of JDRF.

PROVUS: And that’s the way it would end, with the Cubs beating the Braves by a final of 10-5. Ted Lilly got the win, his 6th of the season. Tom Glavine took the loss, the 10,000th of his career. Right now, we’re going to take a break on Cubs Central Pregame, but first we’re going to pick a contestant on tonight’s Back-to-Back Jacks Contest. If the Cubs hit back-to-back home runs in any inning but the seventh inning, Jay Orenchuk from Oak Park, Illinois is going to win $1,000. If they hit back-to-back home runs in the seventh inning, you’re going to want to refer to Article III, Section 7(a) of the Back-to-Back Jacks Contest rule guide. There, you will see that if the Cubs hit back-to-back jacks in the 7th inning, Jay will win $7,000. Unless, of course, one of those back-to-back jacks comes by way of the inside-the-park home run, in which case Jay will win nothing, and we will discontinue the Back-to-Back Jacks Contest for the rest of eternity and forfeit tonight’s game. Cubs Central Pregame continues right after this word from our sponsor.

HUGHES: Ronnie, what are we doing in this haunted house?

SANTO: (reads in a monotone voice) I sure. Don’t know? Pat.

HUGHES: This house is a fixer-upper. Looks like a job for our good friend, Mr. Fix-It, Lou Manfredini. Hello, Lou!

LOU MANFREDINI: Hey, Pat! Hey, Ron! Do you guys like my vacation home?

SANTO: It sure could. Use some work?

All three men laugh uncontrollably.

MANFREDINI: I guess you’re right, Ronnie.

HUGHES: Hey, Lou. What have you got, there? Your penis?

MANFREDINI: No, Pat, that’s just my buzzer. Would you believe I’ve been trying to fix this thing for three straight commercials?

SANTO: I’ll believe. Anything. Lou.

HUGHES: Remember, for your own fixer-upper, trust Square D for whole-house surge protection. Just in case you have a house that gets hit by lightning all the time, or in case you have a loved one cryogenically frozen in your basement.

SANTO: That’s where I keep. My legs?

The three men laugh loudly again.

HUGHES: Square D. Part of the power at Wrigley Field.

PROVUS: We’re back on Cubs Central Pregame. Ronnie, tell us about the starting lineups tonight?

SANTO: Well, we’re going to go with pretty much the same lineup we went with last night, so I hope you listened to the game and remember the lineup, because instead of quickly reading off nine names, I’m going to base my lineup off last night’s lineup. Today’s lineup is pretty much the same as it’s been. Except instead of Johnson, they’re going to go with Edmonds, and instead of Soto, they’re going to go with Blanco. And they’re going to play four outfielders and not use a shortstop, so Theriot will get a day off. And Soriano is going to get slid down in the lineup x – 4 spots in the lineup, where x = 8. Oh, and since it’s a Wednesday, Aramis Ramirez is going to take every fourth at-bat, no matter where they are in the lineup. For the Cubs and the Braves.

PROVUS: Thank you, Ronnie. How about the pitching matchup tonight?

SANTO: Well, the pitching matchup- This is going to be a good matchup. Ryan Dempster has been excellent for us this year. Good fastball. Good changeup. Good knuckle ball. Good curveball. Good slider. Good split finger fastball. Good circle changeup. Great command. He’s been just great for us this year. On the other side, the Braves have some guy, who looks like he’s pitched before. We have a hard time hitting guys like that, so we’re going to need to come out swinging the bats.

PROVUS: Thanks, Ronnie. Now, let’s take a look at scores around the league via the Square D scoreboard. Since it’s only 6:40 in the evening, the scoreboard is completely blank. Back to Ronnie with the Lou Piniella Show.

SANTO: Well, I’m here with the fine, fine manager of the Chicago Cubs, Lou Piniella. How are you doing, Lou?

LOU PINIELLA: I’m good, Ron. Can I say how great it is to have you back? We miss you when you’re not here. It’s good to see you.

SANTO: Well, thank you, Lou. It’s good to be back.

PINIELLA: How are you feeling?

SANTO: Well, my back hurts a little bit, and unless you just broke wind, I’m having some troubles with my stomach, but other than that I’m great. So, big, big win last night for this ballclub.

PINIELLA: Well, we came out swinging the bats last night, and that was good to see. We didn’t swing the bats too well for, uh- for Lilly his last start out, but we did this time. That’s why you play the games.

SANTO: Boy, how about that Ted Lilly?

PINIELLA: Well, he’s a pitcher for our team.

SANTO: You got that right.

PINIELLA: Look, sometimes Lilly is, uh- Sometimes he’s going to pitch. Sometimes, someone else is going to pitch. But you try to win all of those games, and when we’re swinging the bats well, sometimes we do.

SANTO: And what about the lineup tonight?

PINIELLA: Didn’t you already give the lineup earlier?

SANTO: Well, yeah, but-

PINIELLA: Well, we got Soriano leading off, then Theriot, who’s been a sparkplug for us at the top. Then, we got Lee, Ramirez, uh- Foo-koo-dough-me. Then, we got the big kid, Soto, and then Edmonds, DeRosa, and Dempster on the mound.

SANTO: Well, keep up the great work, Lou. Let’s go get three in a row.

PINIELLA: Well, I’d sure like to do that.

SANTO: That was Lou Piniella, the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs. We’ll be right back on Cubs WGN Radio 720 Cubs Central Pregame Radio 720.

A PHONE RINGS. CLICK.

SANTO: Hello? Is this. Seattle Sutton?

SEATTLE SUTTON: Yes. Is this my good friend (shuffles around paper) Ron Santa- Santo?

SANTO: Is this the same Seattle. Sutton whose New York? Cheesecake put me in a diabetic coma?

SUTTON: …

SANTO: I almost. Died, you stupid. Bitch?

SUTTON: You should have tried my Acapulco Taco Hair Pie.

SANTO: That sounds. Awful? Hey, if you’re an expert. Why are you sort of a fatass?

CLICK. DIALTONE.

SANTO: Well, we’re back, and I’m here with the backup second base MAN of the Chicago Cubs, Mike Fontenot. Thanks for coming in, Mike, how much do you weigh?

MIKE FONTENOT: I would say about 145 pounds, Ron.

SANTO: Really? I would have said 120, tops. Were you wearing clothes when you weighed yourself?

FONTENOT: Yes, Ron.

SANTO: Mike, you used to be a starter back in college, and now you’re not a starter, because you’re not as good as Mark DeRosa. What do you think about that?

FONTENOT: Well, Ron, I’m happy to be here and be a part of this team, and let Zambrano pound me into the ground like a nail, and basically do whatever Lou needs me to do.

SANTO: What would you do if Lou asked you to clean the drain in the shower room with your tongue?

FONTENOT: I guess if he really needed me to, I might.

SANTO: That’s what I really like about you, is that you’re a team player.

FONTENOT: Thanks, Ronnie.

SANTO: Good luck for the rest of the season, big boy.

PROVUS: Just a reminder that anyone able to sit with Ron Santo for an entire interview is rewarded with a $100 gift certificate to Walgreen’s. They can use that to buy anything from K-Y Touch Massage Warming Gel to peanut butter M&Ms. Have a great call tonight, Ronnie.

SANTO: Thanks, Andy- Cory.

PROVUS: That’s it for Cubs Central Pregame, and now we take you to the call with Pat and Ron. Take it away, fellas.

TO BE SUNG IN A SOUTHERN TWANG
Take me out to the bawl-game.
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some pea-nut and Cracker Jack.
I don’t care if I never come back.
Gonna root for the Cub-bies.
If they don’t wee-yin, it’s a shame.
‘Cuz it’s one, two, three strikes yer out,
At the oooooold bawl-game!”

EXT.–JUNGLE–DAY

PINIELLA LOU, a grizzled baseball manager, trudges through an overgrown jungle. The rugged adventurer is in search of a 100-year-old relic, a World Series trophy. With him is his companion, a native named ROTHSCHILDO. The two approach a dark cave, the opening to a deep temple.



LOU
So, this is where Baker cashed in.

ROTHSCHILDO
A friend of yours?

LOU
An idiot. He was dumb. He was very, very dumb.

ROTHSCHILDO
Senor, no one has come out of there alive. Please.

Lou looks at Rothschildo with disgust and heads into the temple cave. Rothschildo follows him hesitantly.

INT. TEMPLE–NARROW PASSAGE–DAY

As Lou and Rothschildo step into the temple’s cave, the bright light from the jungle outside almost instantly disappears. The two stop to light torches. As they move deeper into the cave, the flickering light falls on massive spider webs, deep crevasses, and wet, dark, rocky outcroppings. The men advance further and further into the passage until Lou suddenly stops just short of a bright beam of light, streaming through an opening high on the wall of the passage. He grabs Rothschildo just before he enters the light.

LOU
Stop. Stay out of the light.

Lou thrusts his hand into the light. From out of the wall under the beam of light, a spike trap springs rapidly toward Lou’s hand. Lou withdraws his hand just in time. Impaled on the spike trap is BAKER’S CORPSE. As the spike trap comes to a halt, Baker’s Corpse seems to turn its head toward Lou and leer.





LOU
Baker.

THE PIT

Lou and Rothschildo move deeper into the temple until they come to a large pit. Rothschildo is hesitant, but Lou pulls a whip from his belt and, with a flick of his wrist, wraps it around a tree branch overhanging the pit. Lou swings across the pit gracefully and then turns and swings the handle of the whip back to Rothschildo. Rothschildo catches the whip handle and attempts to swing across himself, but nearly falls backward into the pit. Lou grabs him by the belt and hauls him across. Lou hangs the whip handle on a nearby outcropping.

THE CHAMBER

Lou and Rothschildo enter a large chamber. At the far end, a beam of light streaming through a hole in the roof of the chamber illuminates a gleaming WORLD SERIES TROPHY.

ROTHSCHILDO
Let us hurry. There is nothing to fear here.

Rothschildo rushes forward toward the trophy, but Lou grabs him and shoves him backwards against a wall.

LOU
That’s what scares me.

Lou looks at the ground, a patchwork of paving stones and tiles. He presses his torch down hard on an unusual-looking paver. The paver immediately sinks into the ground, and a poison dart shoots from the wall and buries itself in the torch. Lou hands the torch to Rothschildo.

LOU
Stay here.

Lou moves carefully across the chamber, taking care not to step on any unusual-looking pavers. Eventually, he makes his way to the platform holding the World Series trophy. Lou stands in front of the platform, rubbing his stubbled chin and eyeing the trophy. Lou pulls a bottle of Jack Daniels from his jacket, and hefts the weight in his hand.
Looking at the trophy again, he takes a large swig of the whiskey. Lou pushes his hat back on his head and holds the bottle close to the trophy. After a moment’s hesitation, Lou makes a quick switch, grabbing the trophy and placing the bottle on the platform in its place. Nothing happens. Lou smiles and turns his back. Just as he does, the platform now holding the bottle begins to sink. Lou looks back over his shoulder, sees the bottle dropping, and begins sprinting out of the chamber. As he runs, poison darts fire at him from both walls and the chamber begins to crumble. As he passes Rothschildo, the man joins him and both sprint back toward the entrance of the cave.

THE PIT

Lou and Rothschildo arrive at the pit. Lou grabs the whip handle, still hanging from the outcropping, and hands it to Rothschildo. Rothschildo swings across, but as he does, the branch around which the whip is attached shifts, and the whip comes loose into Rothschildo’s hands. He looks at the whip in his hands and then across at Lou, and the trophy. Behind Rothschildo, a large stone door rumbles slowly down, threatening to block the men’s path.

LOU
Gimme the whip!

ROTHSCHILDO
You throw me the trophy! I throw you the whip!

Lou hesitates. Rothschildo looks back at the closing door, then back at Lou.

ROTHSCHILDO
No time to argue! You throw me the trophy! I throw you the whip!

Lou looks down at the trophy, then reluctantly tosses it to Rothschildo. Lou holds out his hands.

LOU
Gimme the whip!

Rothschildo smiles at Lou and drops the whip at his feet.

ROTHSCHILDO
Adios, Senor.

Rothschildo runs under the closing door. Lou looks down at the pit, takes a couple steps back, and then rushes forward and leaps across the gap. He catches on to the ledge on the opposite side and pulls himself up with a vine growing from between the rocks. Lou is just able to roll under the closing door, but loses his whip in the process. He grabs it, and pulls his arm through just as the huge door rumbles closed.

NARROW PASSAGE

Lou dusts himself off and turns to sprint toward the entrance of the cave. As he turns to run, he almost runs right into Rothschildo’s body, which has been impaled on a spike trap. Lou grabs the trophy from Rothschildo’s dead hands.





LOU
Adios, Rothschildo.

Lou again begins running toward the cave entrance, when he notices a distant rumbling that begins to grow louder. Lou stops and looks over his shoulder to see PRINCE FIELDER rolling toward him.





Lou’s eyes grow wide, and he sprints toward the cave entrance with a renewed sense of urgency. Lou makes it to the mouth of the cave just in time and dives out of the cave.

EXT.–JUNGLE–DAY

Lou tumbles out of the cave, still clutching the trophy. He lands right at the foot of NEDDOQ, a rival manager. Neddoq is surrounded by BREWERS. All of them are holding baseball bats and baseballs, all pointed directly at Lou’s head.





NEDDOQ
Lou. It looks like you chose the wrong coaching staff. This time, it will cost you.

Lou reaches into his jacket for his pistol and draws it. The Brewers advance aggressively toward him until Lou turns the pistol around and hands it to Neddoq. Neddoq takes the pistol, and then nods to the trophy. Lou reluctantly hands it over.

LOU
Too bad the Brewers don’t know you the way I do, Neddoq.

NEDDOQ
Yes. You could warn them. If only you spoke Wisconsin. Seriously, what the hell is a “bubbler”?

Yost turns to the Brewers and holds the trophy over his head. The Brewers bow down in front of the trophy. Seeing his opportunity, Lou dashes away. Yost notices and drags his thumb across his throat.

YOST
Go after him, there, eh?!

The Brewers sprint after Lou. Lou dashes through the jungle as Yost’s laughter carries after them. Lou heads for a pontoon propeller plane sitting on the water. JACQUE JONES sits on one of the the pontoons and fishes. He gets a bite, and jumps up, struggling with the fish at the end of his line.





LOU
(screaming)
Jacque! Start the engine, Jacque! Start the engine!

Jacque looks up, still holding his fishing pole. He hesitates, conflicted. He finally drops the fishing pole into the water, climbs into the cockpit of the pontoon plane, and starts the engine. The propellers start spinning as Lou swings out on a vine into the water, swims out to the plane, and climbs in. The Brewers stand at the shore, hurling baseballs and baseball bats at Lou. Jacque throttles up the plane, which pulls away from the Brewers and lifts off into the air. Lou, sitting in the passenger’s seat, notices a large Diamondback slithering up his leg.

LOU
Jacque! There’s a snake in the plane, Jacque!

JACQUE
Oh, that’s just my pet snake, Brandon.

LOU
I hate snakes, Jacque! I hate ‘em!

JACQUE
Show a little backbone, will ya?

The plane flies off into the sunset.