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Category: Skip Johnson (Jim Essian) (page 1 of 5)




Hey, Al doesn’t have the market cornered on open letters to the Cubs front office that Theo Epstein will never read. Theo, you’ve done a lot of good in Chicago to this point. You’ve improved the team. You got rid of that alpaca manager. You haven’t acknowledged the idiot fan base that pays for season tickets in the bleachers. You’ve surrounded yourself with great baseball minds, you’ve said the right things, and now you’ve fired Dale Sveum. Or should I say you’ve opened a door. And there’s one man ready to come charging through that door. His name is Robert Paulson Skip Johnson Jim Essian. Not Joe Girardi. Joe Girardi looks like Skeletor, and Skeletor is EVIL.

Now, you may not believe that a man with a mustache can do amazing things. Not only is Jim the ONLY Armenian manager to ever lead an MLB team, but his mustache has SEEN SOME SHIT. BEHOLD!

Jim Breaking Bad

Jim Bridge on the River Kwai

Jim Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Jim Inglorious Basterds

Jim Inigo Montoya

Jim There Will Be Blood

Jim This Is Spinal Tap

Jim Tombstone

Friday Roundup: The “Hired Jim Essian” Edition

Click for story.

I’m getting old, so I can’t remember if I announced it here or on Twitter, but if you hadn’t heard yet, Jim Essian was hired away from the Cubs. You snooze, you lose, Epstein. He’ll be the manager of the Fort Worth Cats this upcoming season. (HT: MGRW) ROAD TRIP!

Your tips are as appreciated as an undefeated Cats season.
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Happy Birthday, Skip!

Hire this man.

Like a fine wine, Skip. Happy 61st birthday to the patron saint of HJE.

Mikey Quads Out as Cubs Manager

Wait, I had a great nickname for Theo!

Considering that everyone has been talking about Mike Quade’s replacement since the hiring of Theo Epstein, it was really no surprise that today the Cubs announced that the bald incompetent won’t be back next season. (HT: Pre) Quade did more than enough goofy, nigh-indefensible things this season to merit his dismissal, and his reign as Cubs manager was so absolutely forgettable that it’s pointless to even rehash the mistakes he made. Suffice it to say, if he ever had control of the clubhouse, it certainly seemed like he lost it.

Every Cubs fan should be thrilled that Theo Epstein is wasting absolutely no time putting his stamp on the Cubs and cleaning up the lazy mess that Jim Hendry left in Chicago. Moreover, once Tony La Russa retired, it was wise of Theo to start his managerial search immediately. Barring a miraculous offseason, I don’t expect the Cubs to be competitive next year. However, Epstein now has a chance to get in a competent manager who can weather the rebuilding period of the next couple of years and actually manage the parts that Theo gives him. If that guy is Terry Francona, fine. If it’s Ryne Sandberg, okay, I trust you, Theo. If it’s dark horse candidate JIM ESSIAN, then YOU ARE THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF BASEBALL OPERATIONS OF ALL TIME!!! I’m just glad it’s not Mike Quade.

The competency of this new front office makes me uncomfortable.

There’s Still Time to Celebrate Jim Essian Signing Day

Happy Me-Signing Day!

It’s going to be a sporadic week for posting, as I unexpectedly have to head out of town on Wednesday. But what sort of Hire Jim Essian would this be if I didn’t acknowledge August 29 as the 42nd anniversary of the day the Philadelphia Phillies took a chance on an Armenian lad named James Sarkis Essian? On August 29, 1969, the Phillies signed Skip, and his Major League career was off and running, culminating 22 years later with the brief interim managing career that inspired this site.

If you were looking for an excuse to get drunk on a Monday night, well, you still have about an hour and a half to tip a few in honor of Skip.

Skip’s Comment of the Week: August 26, 2011

The Comment of the Week comes from the Muskbox, which is a gold mine of comments from not only stupid questioners, but also the HJE faithful. This week’s comment has a little of both!

In regards to one of the Muskbox questions, Eric commented as follows:

“I was at the Cubs game Aug. 9 in Pittsburgh. In the first inning, Darwin Barney was thrown out in a rundown between third and home. What was the official scoring on that play?
– Debi C., Ashland, Ohio”

Obviously Debi C. is a pseudonym for the late Ron Santo, who was watching the game from the great beyond but missed the play.

R.I.P., Ronnie. Your inaccurate scorecards will always keep us laughing.

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Hire Jim Essian!” Edition

Eminently hireable.

Yo, Washington! I hear you need a new manager. (HT: Martin) So, your old one was such a dope that he got your team back to .500 baseball with a nice little run, then had no idea what to do with himself, panicked, and made the worst bluff in managerial history. Jim Riggleman is the guy who scales Mt. Everest, then gets so excited to be up there that he falls off backwards while trying to take a picture of his Sherpa. One man’s loss is another man’s gain, though. So whaddya say, Mike Rizzo? How about giving our old buddy Jim Essian an interview? Once you go Armenian, you never go- Christ, Jim, why couldn’t you just be black?

Your tips are as wonderful as a pre-interview of Skip. Get on it, people.

  • I despise sites that force you to click through a slideshow, but you should at least take a gander at the 10 worst signings in our history. (HT: level5) It’s pretty accurate.
  • Posnanski’s list of the 14 most-dominant individual performances in sports history has an old friend on there. Or, wait. Current friend. What I mean to say is that it has Kerry Wood’s 20-K game on there. SPOILERS! Did I do that right?
  • Somewhere, Lou Piniella just wrote his epitaph.
  • Twelve solid old baseball cards. (HT: level5)
  • Willie Bloomquist is a goll darn folk hero. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have something in my eye.
  • Motion granted! (HT: David)
  • Bachelor Vision! (HT: TEC)
  • If you hate your kids, and it’s winter, TAKE NOTE. (HT: flannj)
  • Yet another reason that the T79 is SO FLAPJACKING BRILLIANT.
  • Are you taking the piss? (Did I do that right, Tonker?)
  • Even George Lucas thinks the Star Wars prequels sucked.
  • Dick jokes are HISTORIC, meaning hundreds of years from now, people will still be reading HJE.
  • Speaking of dicks, are THEY the reason women aren’t funny? According to science, YES.
  • In continuing our “manly” portion of the BROWSing, here’s how to open a beer with anything.

    “Manly,” at least, except for the Corona Light.
  • In honor of Futurama‘s return last night, here are seven FAKE scientists loved by a REAL scientist.
  • Sully goes to the Dusty Baker school of pitcher use.

    It at least makes you ask the question, “Did they get hurt because they were babied, or were they being babied because they seemed likely to get hurt?”
  • You know, I was JUST writing a pilot for a sitcom about a drunk, naked veterinarian. (HT: Ned Ryerson) I say fair is fair. Now let the doberman get drunk and operate on HIM.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: In honor of the NBA draft, THAT’S an article I would have loved to read.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to finish helping Skip update his resume. Then, I’m probably working on mine. Koyie Hill, indeed.
-Uncle Mike

Happy Belated Birthday, Skip!

Yesterday marked the- Let’s just say the, uh, 34th anniversary of the birth of HJE‘s patron saint, James Sarkis Essian, Jr. As if you weren’t hungover enough from your New Year’s Eve celebrations, I can only assume that they carried over into the celebration of Skip’s birthday. HJE extends its warmest belated birthday wishes to Skip. May the cake be delicious, the candles be few, and the beer be imported.

Open Your Mind to Quade

Hey, gang! Skip here again. I understand that the Cubs officially took my name out of the running for their managerial opening and named Mike Quade the manager for 2011 and beyond.

I, for one, would like to extend the most heartfelt congratulations to Mike. It must be nice to have that “interim” tag taken off the front of your job title after you poured your guts into managing a bad team. Sure, Mike can’t grow a mustache like some other former interim managers could do (I’m not talking about Bruce Kimm). Sure, he was able to trot out Carlos Zambrano and Tom Gorzelanny while I had to pitch Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie. Sure, I would have preferred having a closer like Carlos Marmol rather than Dave Smith and Paul Assenmacher.

But I’m not going to whine and say I had it tougher just because the only guy who OPSed over .800 in 1991 was the OTHER guy who got passed over for the Cub job. Hell, in 1991, we thought OPS was what Naughty by Nature was “down wit.” I’m just saying Quade had four regulars with OPSes higher than .800. That must have been nice.

So, congratulations to Mike Quade. May the road always rise to meet you. May the sun not scorch your unprotected brow. May it not look weird when the wind doesn’t ruffle, well, ANYTHING on you. And may you not get unceremoniously fired 100 games into your second season with the Cubs.


So, Mike Quade is off to a pretty good start as interim manager. He’s won three games in a row and swept the mighty Nationals. Wow! I’m sooooooo impressed. What were the Nationals? 53-71 going into Monday night’s game? And they had to face whom? Livan Hernandez? Hell, that guy was practically around when I was playing. John Lannan? Jason Marquis? Ha!
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