Minor League Guy plays for my favorite squadron!

I switched the comments back to Disqus, which will certainly piss the lot of you off. One happy result, however, is that you can now confidently add your own images and links to comments. So, what else has Obvious Cardinals Caption Writer been up to?

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah!

Braun’s nonsense is fisked below:

I am very pleased and relieved by today’s decision.

“Damn straight!”
-O.J. Simpson

It is the first step in restoring my good name and reputation.

Um, we all hated you before. We just have a logical reason to hate you now.

We were able to get through this because I am innocent and the truth is on our side.

Nope. You got away with cheating because your tainted piss got stuck at the bottom of a FedEx drop box.

We provided complete cooperation throughout, despite the highly unusual circumstances.

That was super-nice of him to comply with the clear and defined MLB drug testing standards, especially since it probably burns really bad when he pees.

I have been an open book, willing to share details from every aspect of my life as part of this investigation, because I have nothing to hide.

“Except for my dick in this bar skank who told me that her lips are just really, really chapped.”

I have passed over 25 drug tests in my career, including at least three in the past year.

It only takes one.

I would like to thank my family and friends, my teammates, the Brewers organization led by Mark Attanasio, Doug Melvin, Gord Ash and Ron Roenicke, and other players around the league who have expressed their support and our great fans in Milwaukee and around the country who stuck by me and did not rush to judgment.

“What the fuck, Braun?”
-Yahweh

I’d also like to offer special thanks to Michael Weiner and the Players Association for believing in me since day one and to my attorneys.

As an attorney, I can totally understand why people hate attorneys so fucking much.

I’d like to thank my agent Nez Balelo and Terry Prince of CAA Sports and Matthew Hiltzik of Hiltzik Strategies for all of their help and counsel through the process.

“And for writing me this bullshit statement and spelling all the longer words out…fun…et…tick…all…lee.”

This is not just about one person, but about all current and future players, and thankfully, today the process worked.

I’d rather one guilty man walked than one thousand innocent men were punished! Or whatever.

Despite the challenges of this adversarial process, I do appreciate the professionalism demonstrated by the panel chair and the office of the commissioner.

“And lest any of you think that I might have received special treatment just because the Commissioner and his daughter owned the team for decades, well that’s just RIDICULOUS, because I hold the TRUTH.”

As I said before, I’ve always loved and had so much respect for the game of baseball.

“So much so that I knew it would be a tragedy to deprive the good people of Milwaukee of watching me hit 30 home runs a season.”

Everything I’ve done in my career has been with that respect and appreciation in mind.

You made baseball somewhat relevant in Milwaukee. There is no way that is respectful to the game.

I look forward to finally being able to speak to the fans and the media on Friday and then returning the focus to baseball and working with my Brewers teammates on defending our National League Central title.

And I look forward to mercilessly booing your bug-eyed, juiced-up ass this summer. I AM GOING TO FEDEX INSULTS TO LEFT FIELD ALL SUMMER, BRAUN!

No, that haircut is cool.

Sexson’s quest to establish the largest professional strike zone of all time began on June 14, 1993, when he signed a contract with the Cleveland Indians. The contract stated that Sexson would play baseball in exchange for money, in case that wasn’t clear. Sexson did three things in the minor leagues. He hit the ball far, he struck out, and he scared the hell out of kids asking for autographs. A lot.

Sexson earned a call-up to the eventual World-Series-runner-up 1997 Indians. Sexson’s MLB debut came in a town in which he would eventually make himself very comfortable. On September 14, 1997, Mike Hargrove’s Indians came to Chicago to face the White Sox. Even if the thought of Sexson enrages you, this game will likely bring you a smile. The White Sox led 2-0 going into the top of the 8th inning. With one out and a runner at first base, Sexson pinch hit for left fielder Brian Giles. Sexson squibbed an infield hit down the first-base line for a single, helping along a seven-run rally off Tony Castillo, Jeff Darwin, Tom Fordham, Keith Foulke, and Matt Karchner. Let it never be said that Terry Bevington wasn’t an AMAZING manager. The Indians held on to defeat the Sox 8-3.

Sexson had only one chance against the Cubs during his four seasons in Cleveland. On June 4, 1999, the Cubs traveled to Jacobs Field to face the corpulent Bartolo Colon and the Indians. This was back at the time when Colon and the Indians were good, and the Cubs were awful, so one would expect an easy win for the Tribe. WRONG. The Cubs had an early 3-2 lead, but starter Terry Mulholland gave up two in the 7th, and the Cubs trailed 4-3 going into the top of the 9th. After Tyler Houston drew a walk, balding third baseman Gary Gaetti hit a two-run homer off of Mike Jackson to give the Cubs a 5-4 lead that they would hold. Oh, yeah. Sexson. He pinch-hit for Einar Diaz in the bottom of the 9th and struck out looking at four Terry Adams pitches. What is the opposite of foreshadowing? Because Sexson’s at-bat was exactly THAT.

Sexson put together a nice career in Cleveland, batting .265/.314/.507 line in 279 games. But if there was one thing the Indians didn’t need at the time, it was a bad-fielding first baseman who could hit a ton, but struck out a ton more. So, on July 28, 2000, the Indians traded Sexson along with Kane Davis, Paul Rigdon, and Marco Scutaro to the Milwaukee Brewers for Jason Bere, Bob Wickman, and Steve Woodard. Sexson’s move to the NL Central was unfortunate for the Cubs. With Sexson in the lineup, the Brewers won 18 of their first 25 games against the Cubs. Does that mean anything?

IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME.

Sexson did the majority of his damage to Cub pitching while he was wearing a Brewers uniform, where he also made two All-Star games, but I’ll get to that. After the 2003 season, the Brewers sent Sexson, Shane Nance, and Noochie (seriously) Varner to the Arizona Diamondbacks in exchange for Chris Capuano, Craig Counsell, Chad Moeller, Lyle Overbay, Jorge De La Rosa, and Junior Spivey. If you stood all those guys on each others’ shoulders and put a Sexson jersey on them, you wouldn’t even notice he was gone!

Whenever a team gives that much up for a player, the player is bound to be a disappointment. And disappoint Sexson did. I hope the Diamondbacks appreciated the irony of a player who had struck out 151 times the previous season injuring himself on a check swing. Sexson lasted until only May 22, when his shoulder, which had originally been injured against the Cubs, re-exploded on a check swing against the Florida Marlins. The injury came after only 22 games in a Diamondbacks uniform, and ended Sexson’s season.

The Diamondbacks understandably let Sexson walk after the 2004 season, and the Seattle Mariners took a very expensive chance that Sexson’s shoulder would heal well. I’m about to type a sentence that has never before been put to paper. The Mariners’ chance paid off well, initially. Sexson hit 39 and 34 home runs for the Mariners in his first two seasons, driving in 121 and 107 RBIs, respectively. He also managed to strike out a league-leading 167 times in 2005, and 154 times in 2006. By 2007, whether because of his nagging injuries, or because his strike zone was bigger than Ichiro Suzuki’s press following, Sexson’s production plummeted. He managed only a .205/.295/.399 line with the Mariners and, after an equally-terrible start to the 2008 season, they released him. The New York Yankees picked him up and gave him 35 plate appearances before releasing him a month later.

Sexson ended his twelve-year career with a solid .261/.344/.507 line. He hit 306 home runs and drove in 943 runs. He also struck out so very, very much. 1,313 times against only 588 walks. That was against the league. Against the Cubs, he was more impressive.

In 244 plate appearances against Cub pitching from 1999-2007, Sexson batted .271/.344/.584. The giant hit 18 home runs and drove in 48 RBIs in 57 starts against the Cubs. That projects to 51 home runs and 136 RBIs in a full season’s worth of starts. Also, 193 strikeouts. Hey, he’s not PERFECT against the Cubs. His 18 home runs are behind only the 19 he’s hit against the Minnesota Twins and San Diego Padres for the most he’s hit against any team. That’s caused him to have more total bases (128) against the Cubs than against anyone else save the Twins (151) and Reds (144).

Sexson was even more prolific against the Cubs at Wrigley Field. In 120 plate appearances in the Friendly Confines, Sexson compiled a .274/.358/.575 line, with 8 home runs and 25 RBIs.

Probably because he enjoys the beautiful view of Lake Michigan while he’s standing at the plate.

Why You Should Hate Him: August 30, 2003. Nothing about the 2003 season was easy, so you shouldn’t have expected a victory when Shawn Estes went up against the Brewers on a Saturday afternoon at Wrigley Field. The Cubs needed every single win they could muster, meaning they needed Shawn Estes to not pitch like Shawn Estes. He pitched EXACTLY LIKE THAT. In Sexson’s first-inning at-bat, he launched a two-run homer off Estes to give the Brewers a lead that they would never surrender. If you recall this game, you’ll also recall Scott Podsednik STEALING HOME in the second inning off Estes. God dammit, Shawn Estes. Estes was gone after only two innings, having surrendered five earned runs on four hits and two walks. He gave way to shouldery Todd Wellemeyer, who gave up an additional four runs in four innings. Sexson had a two-run double off Wellemeyer in his third at-bat (in only the fourth inning) to put the Brewers ahead 9-2. Dusty Baker turned the mess over to Antonio Alfonseca, Mark Guthrie, and Kyle Farnsworth, who all turned in a shockingly competent performance (save the two walks that Alf and Farnsworth surrendered to Sexson), but the damage was already done. The Brewers won 9-5, and Sexson finished the day 2-3 with a homer and double, 4 RBIs, a run scored, and two walks.

Did You Know? Sexson’s full name is Richmond Lockwood Sexson. I know the old adage that you should never trust a guy with two first names. But what do you do with a guy with three town names?

Maybe start filling them up now, Ryan.

You suck as fans. You suck as writers. You suck as humans. Kiss my ass. Maybe you should make your idiotic Pee Your Pants for the Brewers site into a Pee in a Cup for Braun site!

But don’t be TOO sad, Brewers fans. Assuming Braun still does have to serve his 50-game STD suspension, I’m sure losing your best player for 1/3 of the season won’t affect the Brewers’ chances in the NL Central at all.

So far this offseason, the Cardinals lost their best player, the Brewers lost their best player and just likely lost their other best player for 50 games, the Reds traded some of their best prospects for one very good pitcher but did absolutely nothing else, the Astros got kicked out of the NL Central entirely, and the Pirates are still the Pirates.

Meanwhile, the Cubs added two of the best general managers in baseball, they signed a legitimate leadoff hitter for the first time since Kenny Lofton left, and they still might possibly be in on Prince Fielder. When is the last time the Cubs had the best offseason in the NL Central? Prior to 2007 (assuming you ignore the Koyie Hill signing)? They released Juan Pierre, Glendon Rusch, John Mabry, and Freddie Bynum. They signed Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Starlin Castro, Mark DeRosa (I know), Daryle Ward, Cliff Floyd, and Jason Marquis (hey, he did what we should have expected).

I'm living the life I want!

WITH ALL OF THAT SAID, does Ryan Braun have herpes?

The Brewers are, ALLEGEDLY, pretty confident that Braun is going to beat the “prohibited substance” wrap. Why? Because, FAKE, TOTALLY MADE-UP RUMORS are swirling that Braun tested positive for herpes, and the totally-acceptable and legal medication given to him by his doctor caused the positive test. Note that Braun has not yet issued an official statement about the test results. Note that Mark Attanasio was quick to point out that Braun tested positive for a “prohibited substance,” not a PED. Note also that Attanasio said, “Ryan has issued a statement that there are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case that will support his complete innocence and demonstrate that there was absolutely no intentional violation of the program.”

If it eventually comes out that The Herp is the reason Braun tested positive, it’s obviously better than steroids for the Brewers, but it’s far more hilarious for us. Oh, how I cannot WAIT for the chants. “MVP! STD! MVP! STD!”

Thank you, anonymous tipster! Thank you SO MUCH.

Does anyone have a fiddle?

This week’s Muskbox was written prior to the Ramirez signing, so there’s nothing about that in there. I just had to bring it up, because I’m really going to miss Aramis.

With a surplus at first base for the Angels now that Albert Pujols has signed, what are the chances the Cubs could go after Kendrys Morales?
– Stephen H., Cedar Falls, Iowa

“The guy who didn’t even have the balls to correct MLB on the spelling of his name? NO THANKS! Bad character guy.”
-Steve Rosenbloom

CARRIE: Even though they added Pujols, Angels general manager Jerry Dipoto said last week they will find a place for Morales as well as Mark Trumbo.

HITTERS GONNA HIT.

CARRIE: Morales, 28, has not played since breaking his left ankle celebrating a walk-off grand slam on May 29, 2010. The Angels were expected to offer him arbitration on Monday.

CELEBRATERS GONNA BREAK.

Where do the Cubs stand on bringing back Carlos Pena? He is much cheaper than the other options and did everything asked of him.

JIM HENDRY: Can you try not to hit a home run until May?
CARLOS PENA: DONE.

CARRIE: Plus, he is a team player, he is well worth say three years, $30 million to fill in at first while we restructure the system and team.
– Aaron S., Des Moines, Iowa

He’s a “team player” and a “clubhouse leader” who “plays the game the right way!”

CARRIE: You convinced me until your offer.

In fact, I don’t think you have the authority to be throwing around offers AT ALL!

CARRIE: The Cubs would welcome Pena back but only for a one-year deal. Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer have both stressed they want to pay for future performance, not past. Pena has hit at least 28 homers in each of the last five years…

Another way of saying that is, “Pena has hit fewer home runs in the last two seasons than he has since 2006, when he played only 18 games.”

CARRIE: …but his batting average and on-base percentage numbers have dropped each year (yes, they did go up slightly last season, but the trend has been down). He also hit .216 with runners on, .175 with runners in scoring position in 2011. Pena is a good defensive player, but he’ll likely only be back if he is willing to accept a one-year contract.

That’ll show those Marlins!

The Cubs are rebuilding, but why not take a chance with Prince Fielder? We need a first baseman. Any reason why we shouldn’t take the chance on a great young player besides the potential huge contract?
– Karen B., Jacksonville, Ill.

If they’re going to drop the money that Prince Fielder is going to get, he’d better damn well play better than “a chance.”

CARRIE: That potential huge contract is the No. 1 reason the Cubs would take a pass.

If Fielder was, say, FREE, the Cubs would be interested.

CARRIE: Epstein met with Bryan LaHair in Dallas last week during the Winter Meetings. The Cubs could have used LaHair’s 38-homer season in Chicago.

LaHair is a year and a half younger than Prince Fielder, and has 227 fewer MLB home runs. So, yeah. I GUESS I’d like to see LaHair at first next year.

CARRIE: “We’re not giving [LaHair] the job, and I’m not saying we’re not looking to upgrade at first base,” Epstein said last week. “If it ends up with [LaHair] playing a significant role or getting a significant opportunity, I think we’d all be comfortable with that.”

“Hey, at least it’s not Tyler Colvin.”

Are the Cubs interested in making a change with their closer? They could bring in a new pitcher to close games and move Carlos Marmol back to being the setup man.
– Chris L., Des Moines, Iowa

I really, REALLY wish they’d traded Marmol in 2009. But that’s refreshing that we’re actually worrying about a reliable closer being a factor in 2012.

CARRIE: If the Cubs had a closer-in-waiting, that might be an option. Right now, it’s Marmol’s job. Let’s see if new pitching coach Chris Bosio can straighten out Marmol’s mechanics.

And if not, at least it will be exciting seeing how many dudes Carlos drills.

Rather than trade Marlon Byrd, who appears to be a great teammate and mentor to young players, could he be moved to left field? This would allow Brett Jackson to patrol center, David DeJesus in right and have Alfonso Soriano as either the fourth outfielder, or, better yet, a DH on another team.
– Scott P., Amherst, N.H.

That’s an expensive fourth outfielder. Also, Jim Hendry has left this roster an absolute disaster.

CARRIE: In his Byrd’s Nest blog post (“Passing the torch,” Sept. 7), Byrd said he’d be willing to move if Jackson was ready for the big leagues. Jackson also has played the corner outfield spots. The Cubs won’t know if Jackson is ready, though, until Spring Training.

Byrd is going to set up a pitching machine and rocket fastballs at Jackson’s face until he’s BIG-LEAGUE READY.

It's BEAUTIFUL.

Two-for-two, yeah? Two-for-two, yeah?
Two-for-two, yeah? Two-for-two, yeah?

Your stats were strong, but I needed proof.
I watched you bat from upon a roof.
That sinker Lieber threw you didn’t fool you.
All I could do was sit and swear,
As you launched line drives into the air.
And from my lips you drew an, “Albert, screw ya!”

Albert, screw ya! Albert, screw ya!
Albert, screw ya! Albert, screw ya!

Baby, I have been here before.
I know the feel of the NL floor.
We used to finish last before we knew you.
Your pennants fly ‘neath your stupid arch,
Your damn parades and victory march.
We said, “We’ll it all in ’22, yeah.”

’22, yeah. ’22, yeah.
’22, yeah. ’22, yeah.

I bean your nuts when I play The Show.

I think you used human growth hormone,
But there’s no proof, so it’s libel to accuse you.
I remember how much I loathed you.
The first part of your name is “poo.”
And every breath I drew was just to boo ya.

Just to boo ya. Just to boo ya.
Just to boo ya. Just to boo ya.

Maybe there’s a God above,
And with the Angels, He’s in love.
I think the AL West is theirs to lose now.
It’s not my cries you hear at night,
It’s me shouting out my delight,
“So long! The NL Central hardly knew ya!”

Hardly knew ya. Hardly knew ya.
Hardly knew ya. Hardly knew ya.

You’re now somebody else’s bane.
In two more years, you’ll need a cane.
Yes, that’s another age joke. What’s it to you?
Now listen to my parting words,
I’m glad you’re gone, you fucking turd.
There’s nothing on my tongue but “Hallelujah!”

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

NO THANK YOU!

WARNING: Beyond here there be “So Cub” references…

The Cubs reportedly are pursuing Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols, the two biggest names on sale at Free Agents R Us, “sale’’ being a relative term.

And “big” being a HILARIOUSLY APPROPRIATE term that can refer to the size of Fielder’s ass and of the number of Albert’s grandchildren!

I’m not sure I believe it because it’s hard to believe much at this time of year, but also, I’m afraid to believe something that expensive with Theo Epstein’s recent free-agent talent evaluation.

That’s the most “believes” I’ve read in a sentence since the 2008 Presidential election.

STEVE ROSENBLOOM ’12! THE SAME OLD AWFUL SHIT WE CAN BELIEVE IN!

Fielder, I’d love. He’s 27 and entering what Epstein considers a player’s prime.

Rib. I say “prime rib,” because he’s morbidly obese, you see.

That fits Epstein’s “parallel fronts’’ of supplementing quality major-league talent with quality from the minors.

Actually, if he signed Fielder, he would be supplementing minor-league talent with quality from the Majors.

Fielder has been monumentally good so far, and if Epstein is right, then Fielder will continue to be more phat than fat.

That’s the most “phats” I’ve read in a sentence since the 1996 Presidential election.

But Pujols, I don’t get. Maybe someone’s trying to drive up St. Louis’ payroll. Or maybe someone’s trying to create a market that hasn’t materialized.

THERE IS NO MARKET FOR THE BEST HITTER IN BASEBALL. I suspect in six months, we’re going to see Albert holding a sign at Occupy St. Louis. Do they have skyscrapers in St. Louis? And literacy?

Whatever, Pujols will be 32 next season, which is the end of Epstein’s prime window. Plus, Pujols wants to be paid until he joins AARP, I believe, which doesn’t seem to fit the plan.

He only wants a five-year contract?
/low-hanging fruit

It’s as if Fielder’s agents got a call from Epstein and Pujols heard from Jim Hendry.

HENDRY: Hi, Albert? It’s Jim. Jim Hendry.
PUJOLS: Oh, hey, Jim. Sorry about the job going south, man. How are you doing?
HENDRY: Good, good. So, listen. I’ve been thinking a lot about that hug we shared last summer.
PUJOLS: Yeah…
HENDRY: Well, listen. I was thinking maybe you and I could start up our OWN team and say, “The hell with you, MLB and Bud Selig!”
PUJOLS: …
HENDRY: Albert? You there?
PUJOLS: Go on…

But no. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch confirmed that the Cubs have “serious interest’’ in pursuing Pujols, which means they are poised to enter an auction that could cost more than $200 million (taxes and gratuities not included).

Even the legally-brain-dead Bernie Miklasz has figured out that the Cubs are basically driving up the market for Pujols. Of course, it took Bernie two tries himself to actually unravel Epstein’s brilliant plan.

So, what gives? Here are the likely possibilities: Baseball’s new collective bargaining agreement and Epstein’s old stomping grounds.

Here are two other possibilities: The end of the NBA lockout and Yellowstone National Park. WRITING COLUMNS IS FUN!

First, baseball’s new CBA slows Epstein’s reclamation of the Cubs because of some claustrophobic changes in the draft.

All new draftees will be place in a darkened elevator car suspended over an ACTIVE VOLCANO. Also, the elevator car will be filled with snakes painted up with clown faces.

The loopholes Epstein used in Boston to acquire extra picks and overpay for young talent are closed.

And by “loopholes,” Rosenbloom MUST mean, “the rules as clearly established for all thirty Major League teams and their respective general managers.”

Some observers contend baseball’s new draft rules kill the “Moneyball’’ approach with which Epstein’s Red Sox quickly won two World Series.

It only took them eighty-six years!

But remember, a key line from “Moneyball’’ is “Adapt or die.’’

Odds that Rosenbloom skipped the book in lieu of watching the movie. One hundred percent? Or TWO hundred percent?

The greater concept involves finding value where no one else has. Smart guys are still smart guys.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”
-David DeJesus

And you know what? Epstein and his Whiz Middle-Agers can still draft better players.

Rosenbloom’s rejected Epstein staff monikers:

1. BABIP phat
2. Revenge of the NERDs
3. Special OPS
4. Just the DIPS

That’s not against the new CBA rules and never has been, despite the way the Cubs acted.

“Holy shit, he’s RIGHT!”
-Jim Hendry

So, on its own, the Pujols thing doesn’t make sense under the scouting and development plan Epstein first outlined. He made it clear the best money you spend is not spent in free agency.

A journey of 200 million dollars begins with that first 100 million you DON’T spend but instead invest in GOLD BULLION!

But now that parts of that plan have changed, it’s worth recalling that even under the old rules, Epstein spent a sick amount of money at the free-agent store. He spent it horribly — hello, Carl Crawford and John Lackey — but he spent.

‘Course, Adrian Gonzalez has been sort of good for them.

Epstein spent because that’s what the Red Sox and Yankees do in the AL East. They spend more than anybody else because that, too, is a competition, even if they don’t spend it wisely, and sometimes they spend on each other’s big names. Johnny Damon led off for the “Idiots’’ that broke Boston’s 86-year World Series drought, and then two years later, Damon was signing with the “Evil Empire’’ and later winning a Series with the Yankees.

Hmm. I haven’t heard of this perceived rivalry before. Are you sure it’s a real thing?

So, Epstein isn’t just a guy with a pocket protector and the most finely sharpened No. 2 pencils in the game.

If you’re keeping score at home, this man…

I bang chicks!

I...love my wife.

He has played the money-whipping game and has been handed Tom Ricketts’ keys to the vault. Epstein also knows that such signings seem exponentially satisfactory when you’re stealing a big name from you’re biggest rival.

I did not manipulate this copy in any way. Steve Rosenbloom does not understand the difference between “you’re” and “your.” Even when they’re IN THE SAME SENTENCE. He also doesn’t understand that if Epstein was allowed to spend big money before, and he’s allowed to spend relatively big money now, that there’s really no problem.

From that standpoint, the ludicrous Pujols idea starts to make sense. No, wait, it doesn’t make as much sense as Fielder because he could be Albert Soriano long before the contract expires, but at least we understand why it might be more than just a rumor.

And now we’re at the point in Rosenbloom’s column when he just types literally every single thought that comes into his head.

“I guess signing Pujols MIGHT make sense, if the Cubs want to have an unbelievably talented first baseman for the next five years or so. But wait! Fielder is also talented! But I think Carlos Pena is still available, and he already had his own locker. Or they could have used the DeJesus money to keep Greg Maddux from leaving town. Also, how come tuna is really only a casserole/sandwich thing? I mean, it’s chock full of protein. Why don’t you see more tuna burgers at barbecues, is what I’m saying. Speaking of parties, did I remember to RSVP to Dempster’s Rockin’ New Year’s EVE(nt)?”

Problem is, Epstein can use a checkbook as badly as Jim Hendry when it comes to big names and big deals…

I like how in Rosenbloom’s world, Theo Epstein actually signs a check and slides it across a table to Albert Pujols. Or, better yet, he hands him a giant novelty check with a shitload of zeroes. Or, better yet, that Rosenbloom still lives in a world where “checks” exist. WHO WRITES THOSE???

…which means the Cubs could sign the best hitter in the game amid fears that the new boss can get it as wrong as the old boss. So Cub.

No one sums up a thesis quite like Rosenbloom. Especially when the entire premise on which that thesis is based (“sometimes all GMs make mistakes!”) is painfully obvious and stupid. And when the entire argument supporting the thesis is a rambling mess. So Rosenbloom.

The stars at night are big and bright...

1. The way the Astros just laid down and died for the White Sox in the 2005 World Series that allegedly happened. To be fair to the Astros, though, EVERYONE in the 2005 playoffs laid down for that White Sox team.
2. The 1998 trade deadline, when the Astros went all-in, traded for Randy Johnson, and did…nothing in the NLDS against the Padres.
3. The Astrodome! No, Sarbanes–Oxley Field! No, The Juice Box!
4. Throwback jerseys.
   
   

   Yes, Geoff Blum basically made the list twice.

5. The Cubs actually finishing ahead of someone in the NL Central.
6. The fattest inside-the-park home run in MLB history.
7. Chip Caray’s verbal fellatio of the “Killer B’s.”
8. YES! YES! YES! HISTORY!!!
9. The “HOUSTON, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM” signs that appeared in Wrigley toward the end of the 2003 NL Central run. Sort of like this one, but they actually meant something.
10. Kerry Wood. Duh.
    

BRING HIM BACK, THEO.

Are you Pierce's dad?

Adam Dunn grew up in Houston and did everything he could to live up to the phrase “Everything’s big in Texas.” The Cincinnati Reds drafted the 6’6″, 285-pound high school football star in the second round of the 1998 draft. That same draft landed the Cubs Corey Patterson and frequent-HJE-punchline David Kelton. The Reds arranged a deal with Dunn that allowed him to play baseball during the summer and then return to Austin to prepare to play quarterback for the University of Texas. Dunn served as a backup QB to Major Applewhite, cartoon star of the children’s book, Fruit is Delicious in My Tummy! After a year of serving as Applewhite’s understudy, Dunn was asked to move to tight end, since the Longhorns had signed Chris Simms. Unfortunately for the Cubs, Dunn decided, instead, to pursue his baseball career.

Dunn hit his way quickly through the Reds’ minor league system. Sometime around the age of 21, someone must have given Dunn the exact opposite speech that Lou Brown gave to Willie Mays Hayes in Major League.

REDS MINOR-LEAGUE HITTING COACH: Well, you may hit like Mays, but you run like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball in the air and praying they get out of the park. Everytime I see you hit one on the ground, you owe me twenty push-ups.

ADAM DUNN: Hey, no problem!

(grounds a ball to second base)

ADAM DUNN: Shit.

(does push-ups)

Incidentally, it’s completely ridiculous that Major League only has a 6.9 rating on IMDB. It’s the greatest baseball movie ever, and you Field of Dreams apologists can put that in your slow-paced Iowa-corncob pipes and smoke it.

Anyhow, Dunn’s power numbers skyrocketed when he made the jump from single-A to double- and triple-A ball, with his slugging percentage jumping over a hundred points.

Dunn’s 32 home runs in only 94 games in 2001 were enough to earn him a call-up to a very bad Reds team. On July 20, 2001, Dunn got the start in left field against Matt Clement and the Florida Marlins at Pro Player Park. He came a home run shy of The Three Possible Outcomes, striking out looking in his first MLB at-bat, drawing an intentional walk, and collecting a base hit in a 5-3 Marlins win.

Dunn’s debut against the Cubs came later that year at Wrigley Field. Don Baylor’s surprisingly-good Cubs sent Jon Lieber to the mound against Reds starter Chris Reitsma. Dunn started in left field and hit fourth between the surprisingly-healthy Ken Griffey, Jr. and fellow T79er Austin Kearns. While his Reds lost 8-2, Dunn went 1-3 on the day with a double and a HBP. The Cubs may have been unaware of it at the time, but a new, horrible threat to their success was born that day.

Dunn finished the 2001 season with a .262/.371/.578 slash line and a fourth-place finish in the National League Rookie of the Year voting. In only 244 at-bats, Dunn hit 19 home runs and drove in 43 RBIs. Dunn played parts of eight years in Cincinnati before he was moved in a waiver deal with the Arizona Diamondbacks in 2008. The Reds got Wilkin Castillo, Micah Owings, and Dallas Buck in exchange for Dunn.

Dunn played well for the Diamondbacks, but couldn’t help them into the playoffs, and he was granted free agency after the 2008 season. The Washington Nationals picked him up in February of 2009, and he spent two years being as consistent as he had been in Cincinnati for all of those years. Dunn’s home run totals by full year prior to the 2011 season were as follows: 46, 40, 40, 40, 40, 38, 38. His RBI totals? 102, 101, 92, 106, 100, 105, 103.

So it was perfectly reasonable for the White Sox to expect right around 40 home runs and 100 RBIs when they signed Dunn prior to the 2011 season. And it was perfectly hilarious that he had, arguably, the worst season ever for a good player. For once, the Cubs didn’t mind that a Cub Killer found himself in a Sox uniform. Dunn put together an astonishing .159/.292/.277 slash line. While his walks and strikeouts remained numerous, all of his other stats dropped off precipitously from 2010 to 2011. Behold, the VORP Donkey!

2010 –> 2011

R: 85 –> 36
H: 145 –> 66
2B: 36 –> 16
3B: 2 –> 0
HR: 38 –> 11
RBI: 103 –> 42
BA: .260 –> .159
OBP: .356 –> .292
SLG: .536 –> .277

Dunn had actually garnered some MVP votes in 2010, and he was arguably the worst full-time player in baseball in 2011. Yes, even against the Cubs, against whom he managed no hits and a lone walk against 9 strikeouts in 17 plate appearances.

His miserable 2011 season aside, however, Dunn has enjoyed quite the career against the Cubs. In 531 plate appearances, Dunn has compiled a .247/.382/.576 slash line. His 41 home runs against the Cubs are the most he has hit against any other Major League team. Dunn has hit five fewer home runs in nearly 100 more plate appearances in interleague play, and he’s hit seven fewer home runs against the Brewers in twenty more plate appearances. The 71 RBIs Dunn has knocked in against the Cubs are more than he has against any team but the Brewers (92) and Cardinals (89). The 94 walks he’s drawn against the Cubs are second only to the 102 he has against the Brewers. His .576 slugging percentage against the Cubs is higher than it is against any other team save the Texas Rangers, but that’s largely due to the fact that he’s only faced their pitching 61 times. Dunn has more total bases (250) against the Cubs than he does against any other team in baseball. SO WHY HAVE THEY INTENTIONALLY WALKED HIM ONLY NINE TIMES?

Put Dunn in Wrigley Field, and it gets worse. In 302 plate appearances in the Friendly Confines, Dunn has a .273/.401/.631 slash line. Twenty-five of his 41 home runs against the Cubs have come at Wrigley, as have 46 of his 71 RBIs. Take away his former home parks of the Great American Ballpark and Nationals Park, and Dunn has hit more home runs at Wrigley than he has anywhere else in the Majors. Yes, that includes Cinergy Field and U.S. Cellular Field, where he has 21 and 8 home runs, respectively. His 46 RBIs are the most he has in any park other than Great American, Nationals Park, and Cinergy. In parks where Dunn has seen at least 200 plate appearances, his .273 batting average in Wrigley Field is tops. So is his .631 slugging percentage and ridiculous 1.031 OPS. His 157 total bases in Wrigley Field are over 40 more than he has at any other visiting ballpark.

So, maybe it’s true that the wrong Chicago team signed him last year.

Why You Should Hate Him: When Cubs fans think hatefully back on the 2004 season and you say the word “Reds,” they usually flash right to the penultimate series of the season, when the Reds came to Wrigley Field and took 3 of 4 games from the Cubs. But Adam Dunn was a trend setter in that 2004 season. Little did we know at the time, but he set about ruining the Cubs’ season way back in April. The Reds came to Chicago for an early-season four-game set in mid-April. The Cubs narrowly escaped game one with an 11-10 victory. Then, over the weekend, Adam Dunn happened. Kerry Wood was cruising along with a 2-0 shutout until the 7th inning, when Dunn hit a solo home run to cut the lead in half. Dusty Baker apologists, go ahead and start fucking yourselves…now. Wood was allowed to pitch into the 9th inning, despite his 112 pitches, despite the fact that even though it was unseasonably warm, it was still Chicago in April, and despite the fact that it was only Wood’s third start of the season. After allowing a leadoff single to Sean Casey in the top of the 9th, Wood walked Dunn, gave up a sacrifice bunt to Ryan Freel, then surrendered a sacrifice fly, a double, and the lead. The lovable Kent Mercker came in to retire the third out, but the damage was done. Wood had thrown 131 pitches, and the Reds had a 3-2 lead that Danny Graves would hold.

The next day, Dunn was slightly more instrumental to the Reds’ success. With Greg Maddux on the mound and the wind howling out to center field, it was bound to be an unpleasant day. It was. Maddux gave up a three-run homer to Dunn in the first inning to put the Reds ahead 3-0, but the Cubs rallied back to take an 8-7 lead into the top of the 7th. Horrible human being Kent Mercker gave up a two-run homer to Dunn to put the Reds up 9-8. The Cubs somehow rallied AGAIN on a Corey Patterson RBI double in the bottom of the 7th to tie the game at 9. Then, Todd Hollandsworth, the dope who is currently (and quite inexplicably) a Cubs analyst, singled with one out in the bottom of the 9th. Ramon Martinez singled behind Hollandsworth, and Todd somehow managed to get thrown out at third base by Dunn, one of the worst defensive left fielders in baseball. The Cubs failed to score, the Reds would rally for two runs off Joe Borowski in the top of the 10th inning, and they would hold on to an 11-9 victory.

I WONDER IF THOSE TWO WINS WOULD HAVE HELPED THE CUBS LATER IN THE 2004 SEASON.

Did You Know? Adam Dunn is yet another on the long list of players who are funnier than Ryan Dempster. During a rain delay in 2008, Dunn prank called Reds announcer Marty Brennaman from the clubhouse.

Possibly because Brennaman had called him “lazy” the previous year. Because, as a general rule, all Brennamen are total assholes.