Hire Jim Essian

Eagle-eyed reader betterorworse originally pointed me to the captioned picture. And then 'Duk gave us some more information about it. "Minor League Guy" is one of the Cardinals' best prospects. Can you imagine the nerve if Comcast Sports Net had DARED called Felix Pie, "Fast Guy Who Grabs His Crotch a Lot"?

Ryan Braun made an infuriating statement last Thursday after an arbitrator overturned his 50-game drug suspension. The arbitrator upheld Braun's appeal solely because the MLB drug testing rules clearly state that a urine sample must be delivered to a testing facility the same day it was tested. Braun's was delayed three days. That's it. There was no argument that his sample tested didn't test positive for banned substances, yet now Braun is pretending to feel vindicated because the "truth" is on his side. Bullshit. He got away with breaking the rules on a technicality. If there is a player in the Majors who deserves to be heckled next year, it's Braun. He may have avoided a suspension for breaking the rules, but I suspect and hope he won't be able to avoid the deserved barbs when he makes his tour of opposing National League parks this season.

The early-2000s Milwaukee Brewers teams were absolutely terrible. From 2000-2003, the Brewers went 265-383, with a 106-loss season thrown into the mix. That is an abysmal .409 winning percentage. If you're a Cubs fan, and that surprises you, it's because the Brewers managed to go 32-31 against the Chicago Cubs during that same time period. In fact, the only team against whom the Brewers performed better was the Cincinnati Reds, against whom they went 34-32. The Brewers dominated Wrigley Field, winning 18 of 33 games on the road. They were the team version of a Cub killer in the early 2000s. Much of that anomalous record against the Cubs could be attributed to one man. One enormous, spindly, hideous tree of a man. The 12th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time. Richie Sexson.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

So, some information has been brought to me that is far too hilarious to keep to myself. Let's get the standard disclaimers out of the way. THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. THIS IS BROUGHT TO ME THROUGH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS WHO KNOW PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE ORGANIZATION. I will also point out in advance to Ryan Braun's crack legal team that truth is an ironclad defense against any allegations of libel. And, let's be honest, asking me to take this post down basically proves its truth. It's like when nude photos of a starlet get leaked and they freak out about trying to get them taken down. You're just calling MORE attention to your fantastic ass, Blake Lively.

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

Now Pujols you're a Card no more, You once hit a curve ball off the Lord, But you don't really care for baseball, do you? You batted third, And fourth, and fifth. The minors fell; you never whiffed. The Majors called and said, "Go two-for-two, yeah?"

I wish Steve Rosenbloom understood that contrarian arguments are only good if the contrary view is at least reasonable. Like, the growing "The Walking Dead is dreadfully boring with horrible acting and bad writing" movement that I fully support. But Rosenbloom just takes ANY popular topic and says the exact opposite. Which is why his latest masterpiece essentially posits, "WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THE CUBS WANT PRINCE FIELDER OR ALBERT PUJOLS???"

All you need to know about the MLB's new collective bargaining agreement is here. Finally, the constant interleague games that baseball fans everywhere DEMANDED will be reality. Finally, the Cubs won't be in the biggest division in baseball. Finally, Bud Selig avoided the pesky nuisance of having to occasionally host a thrilling Game 163. But that's all bookkeeping. All you need to know EMOTIONALLY is HERE. I'm pointing at your heart right now. Because the departure of the Houston Astros from the National League Central is the end of some good times. Ten of them, exactly. And here they are.

There was a time not so long ago when Adam Dunn was a legitimate threat to use a baseball bat to make contact with a baseball. A simpler time, when Dunn was a National League player forced to run around uncomfortably in the infield or outfield with a glove on his hand. A time when Dunn would positively VORP your face off, even as radio callers would complain about his copious strikeouts and "three possible outcomes" approach to hitting. It was in this far simpler time that the man who would become the 19th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time was born.