Hire Jim Essian

The Muskbox is back just in time for. Well, for whatever. To celebrate Anthony Rizzo's new (excellent) contract? Nah. To celebrate the return of the podcast? Nope. I'll just let Carrie explain what we're celebrating in this week's Muskbox.

Carrie must be busily soaking up the Arizona sun. She only had time for one question in this week's Muskbox. I have two words of advice for Carrie. Wear high-SPF sunscreen, and don't ever go to Japan. There's only one topic tonight, and it's Kyuji Fujikawa. Actually, it's Chris Bosio's inability to speak Japanese. At least it's not about which kimono would best fit Bosio's corpulent form.

The Muskbox takes a brief hiatus this week from worrying about who will be the backup first baseman in 2013 to worry about who will be the backup first baseman in 2020! Progress? As always, Carrie answers all questions with a sense of patience, thoroughness, and professionalism that one just doesn't see often in this day and age. Oh, also, she talks about Pearl Jam and points out that people from California are Californians. Read more now!

Normally, when the Muskbox suggests moving a player to third base, that player is left-handed, ninety years old, or plays for the Yankees. But the Muskbox is growing wiser in its old age. This week, they chose a young, right-handed player who is actually in the Cubs' system. Of course, he weighs 350 pounds, so there is still room for improvement. Who is this mystery player? I guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out!

Don't forget, men and women, that this Friday is the next annual installment of a bunch of us getting together, getting drunk, and bitching about the Cubs. Will Crane Kenney show his face around Dolan again? Will that cheap bastard GORDON WITTENMYER actually buy ME a drink this year? Will Al Yellon get heckled out of every bar he's ever set foot into? FIND OUT ON FRIDAY. Details will follow.

The Bun has been getting awfully wordy in the Muskbox lately. Maybe she's getting paid by the word. Maybe she found a pocket thesaurus. Maybe she lost her journal, so the Muskbox is the only outlet for her ramblings. Maybe she likes to hear herself talk, just like every other woman, AMIRIGHT, GUYS??? Whatever the case, she talks a lot in this week's Muskbox. Sorry in advance.

The final Muskbox of 2012 is mercifully short. Like the Cubs' 2012 playoff run, Bears fans' patience, and Dale Sveum's Book of Interesting Stories. Maybe the Muskbox celebrated a bit too hard during the holiday season. Maybe the normal Muskbox submitters all got new computers for Christmas and will spend the next month figuring out how to turn them on. Maybe there are only so many questions one can ask in the offseason about a 100-loss team that figures to be phenomenally dull in 2013. Whatever the case may be, enjoy the abbreviated Muskbox.

Ordinarily, the Muskbox works thusly: (1) people ask terrible, ridiculous questions; (2) Carrie writes a terse, uninformative response; and (3) I point out that Carrie failed to answer the original question entirely. In this week's Muskbox, however, Carrie rambles on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And it's glorious. I guess.

Has the competence of the Cubs front office negatively affected the Muskbox? Has the fact that there is significantly less about which to complain made the Muskbox read like the same thing every week? Would you even NOTICE if it did? You might not, but for my heroic efforts to read it.

The Muskbox forges on as the only place where you'll still read names like "Tony Campana" and "Micah Hoffpauir." Also, "Carrie Muskat." Because if there's one thing the Muskbox is, it's relevant. If there's two things it is, at least one of them is "terrible."