Is Keith Moreland a secret agent? Are the Muskbox submitters a secret sect of low-intelligence sentient life forms? Does anyone remember Josh Vitters? Do people in New Zealand watch the Cubs? All these questions and more will be half-assedly answered in this week’s edition of the Muskbox.
The Muskbox is here to solve all of the Cubs’ third-base problems… or something. What that solution is, is hard to define. But if there’s one thing our resident librarian knows how to do, it’s define words. And phrases. And idioms. And shush people. And hand out detentions. And stamp books. And keep Ed Hartig fed and watered.
Have you lost weight since the first of the year? Have you switched to e-cigarettes like an utter douchebag? Are you on the wagon? Have you been practicing guitar every day? How are your resolutions going? Probably better than the Muskbox’s, assuming her resolution was to use the Muskbox for helpful informational purposes in 2014. The new year brings a new Box. Same as the old Box.
Christmas came early this year, my friends. Dumb questions about the Cubs have gone unanswered for ages. They’ve been building up in the brains of those people still actually thinking about a 66-96 team in November. Have no fear, simpletons! Carrie has returned from on high with a new picture, new answers, and, inexplicably, two stone tablets! Get ready for a lot of questions about third base which probably could have been combined into one answer, but were NOT!
This week’s Muskbox is filled with wonderful Cub fan stereotypes. There’s the fan arguing which bad catcher is less bad. There’s the guy obsessed with speed over all else. There’s a 500-pound monster. It’s not the Muskbox we want. It’s the Muskbox we need.
The Muskbox is back just in time for. Well, for whatever. To celebrate Anthony Rizzo’s new (excellent) contract? Nah. To celebrate the return of the podcast? Nope. I’ll just let Carrie explain what we’re celebrating in this week’s Muskbox.
Carrie must be busily soaking up the Arizona sun. She only had time for one question in this week’s Muskbox. I have two words of advice for Carrie. Wear high-SPF sunscreen, and don’t ever go to Japan. There’s only one topic tonight, and it’s Kyuji Fujikawa. Actually, it’s Chris Bosio’s inability to speak Japanese. At least it’s not about which kimono would best fit Bosio’s corpulent form.
The Muskbox takes a brief hiatus this week from worrying about who will be the backup first baseman in 2013 to worry about who will be the backup first baseman in 2020! Progress? As always, Carrie answers all questions with a sense of patience, thoroughness, and professionalism that one just doesn’t see often in this day and age. Oh, also, she talks about Pearl Jam and points out that people from California are Californians. Read more now!
Normally, when the Muskbox suggests moving a player to third base, that player is left-handed, ninety years old, or plays for the Yankees. But the Muskbox is growing wiser in its old age. This week, they chose a young, right-handed player who is actually in the Cubs’ system. Of course, he weighs 350 pounds, so there is still room for improvement. Who is this mystery player? I guess you’ll just have to keep reading to find out!
Don’t forget, men and women, that this Friday is the next annual installment of a bunch of us getting together, getting drunk, and bitching about the Cubs. Will Crane Kenney show his face around Dolan again? Will that cheap bastard GORDON WITTENMYER actually buy ME a drink this year? Will Al Yellon get heckled out of every bar he’s ever set foot into? FIND OUT ON FRIDAY. Details will follow.