The Top 79
T79 #61: Jeff Conine “The Barbarian”
Jeff Conine has been beating up on the Cubs since before you were born. At least if you’re in high school. Conine’s seventeen-year career was marked by consistency. You were pretty safe counting on Conine for about a .285/.350/.450 line throughout the course of his career. Unless, of course, he was [...]
T79 #62: Howard Johnson “Hotel and Lodge”
This five-foot-eleven-inch, former third baseman is spacious, bright, and cheery. With convenient locations in Detroit, New York, Colorado, and Chicago, there is always availability at #62 on The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.
The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #63: Jose Luis Pimental “Patient” Vizcaino
Jose Vizcaino spent all but 121 games of his 18-season Major League career in the National League, much to the chagrin of the Chicago Cubs. Vizcaino spent the majority of his career, which included three seasons as a Cub, as a utility infielder. A generally light-hitting utility infielder (his most-similar batter according to [...]
The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #64: Tom Foley “Cow, He Was a Nuisance”
Tom Foley’s numbers against the Cubs aren’t particularly good. Of course, Foley’s numbers against everyone else aren’t particularly good, either. But anyone who followed the Cubs in the 80s and early 90s remembers what a pain in the ass the pesky little shortstop was. Pain enough to come in at #64 on [...]
The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #65: Jason “Has the Genitals of a” Kendall
Oh, Jason Kendall. Unlike a lot of other people, I actually didn’t mind it when the Cubs acquired you last summer. For one thing, at least you could catch the damn ball behind the plate. For another, it meant that there was no chance the Cubs would have to pitch against you. [...]
T79 #66: Craig Biggio “My God, Chip Caray Wants to Bang You”
Was there any greater satisfaction during the 2007 season than knowing each Cubs-Astros game crossed off the calendar meant that there was one less opportunity for Craig Biggio to torment the Cubs? For two full decades, Chip Caray’s favorite player, “The Beeg,” with his absurdly oversized jersey and his penchant for leaning into pitches [...]
T79 #67: Trevor “Don’t Hassle the” Hoffman
MLB’s all-time saves leader has dominated a lot of teams throughout the course of his Hall of Fame career. But few teams quake in fear more when the hear the ominous toning of Hell’s Bells, which is why Trevor Hoffman checks in at #67 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time. [...]
Top 79 #68: Gary “Welcome Back,” Carter “Now Get Bent”
What’s worse than watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher? Watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher for the Mets. What’s worse than that? Watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher for the Mets who goes to the same barber as (Cousin) Larry [...]
Top 79 #69: “Against the Cubs, He’s As Good As” AUgie Ojeda
What sort of sick world do we live in when a guy like Augie Ojeda shows up on a list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time? What sort of depraved God makes a 5′8″, 165-pound-soaking- wet midget like Ojeda an absolute nightmare for the Cubs? On what dark planet does [...]
Top 79 #70: Will “You Kindly Stop Ruining the 1989 Playoffs?” Clark
Will Clark was a great baseball player. He had a career .303/.384/.494 line. He was patient at the plate, solid in the field, and a six-time All Star. Clark tore up the league, in fact. He had a great deal of success against every team in the National League except for [...]
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