The Bottom 126
#9: Antonio Alfonseca “cksucker”
You know, I went to the Dominican Republic on my honeymoon. We stayed in La Romana, the birthplace of pitcher Antonio Alfonseca. It’s too bad that my honeymoon didn’t take place around July 16, 1971. That would have been right around the time that Mr. Alfonseca was laying it to Mrs. Alfonseca [...]
#10: “You Make Me” Juan “to Puke” Pierre
When it became clear that Corey Patterson was no longer welcome with the Cubs, they were in need of a superstar center fielder. When they couldn’t find one, they settled on Juan Pierre. Pierre brought his undeserved reputation for being a good base stealer, his complete lack of power, his rag arm, and [...]
Bottom Ten Schedule
As you can see, the Bottom Ten Cubs of My Time are on deck. Due to the extra effort that is going to be required for these entries, as well as the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, here is the planned schedule:
#10: Tuesday, May 29
#9: Wednesday, May 30
#8: Thursday, May 31
#7: [...]
#11: Shawn “T”Estes
There have been times in my life when I have a thought so disturbing, violent, and horrific that I’m actually frightened that my human brain is able to come up with such a depraved image. Do you think it’s coincidence that it only happens when someone mentions the name “Shawn Estes”?
Maybe it was because [...]
#12: Felix “Don’t Blame Him for Pitching Poorly. It’s” Heredia “tary”
Can pitchers end up in hell based solely on the pain and anguish that they caused the fans of the teams for whom they pitched? I hope so. I hope Roger Clemens is the Pitcher Devil. I hope he wears red pinstriped pajamas and a Yankees hat, and I hope that he [...]
#13: “He Probably Hates You if You’re Gay or Straight, Christian or” Julian Tavarez
I’m almost certain that there isn’t a single player on The Bottom 126 to this point who is a worse person than Julian Tavarez. Tavarez was despicable in every possible way, and I think I would rather enjoy punching him in his Braille face.
Tavarez is exactly the sort of ignorant asshole that fans just [...]
#14: Kyle Farnsworth “His Weight In Steaming Shit”
Congratulations, Jacque Jones! You’re no longer the stupidest player on The Bottom 126! Nossir. Kyle Farnsworth just ran in and body-slammed the remaining smart out of himself, dropping you down to number two.
You see, Kyle Farnsworth was one of the most maddening Cubs of my time. He had a million dollar [...]
#15: Mark Prior “To Having a Vagina, He Actually Had a Penis. No, Seriously.”
He goes by many names: The Franchise, Employee #22, The Greatest College Pitcher Ever, Mary Prior. At one point, though, many years ago, he was Mark Prior, and he was destined to save the Cubs.
In 2002 and 2003, it sure as hell looked like he might do just that. Prior won six games [...]
#16: Kent “Uses Gardasil, Which is Made By” Mercker
Three things about this Bottom 126 entry are inevitable:
Kent Mercker isn’t going to like it.
Kent Mercker is going to have something to say about it.
Kent Mercker will wait until I’ve retired as a blogger before actually saying anything about it.
#17: “Older Than” Moises Alou
When the Cubs signed Moises Alou as a free agent in December of 2001, I have to admit that I was excited. Alou was an All Star slugger in Houston, where he had strung together several 100-RBI, .300 BA seasons in a row.
The Cubs needed a left fielder after the departure of their previous [...]
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