The Bottom 126
B126 #1B: Jim “I Wish You Were D”Edmonds
Congratulations, Jim Edmonds! You haven’t played a single game as a Chicago Cub. You haven’t pissed and moaned about a single called third strike in blue pinstripes. You haven’t taken a circuitous route and a completely unnecessary dive to catch a single fly ball as a home player in front of the [...]
Ain’t Nothing Left but the Crying
Well, it took nearly five months, but it’s all over. Now that The Bottom 126 is finished, I figured I’d give you folks a chance to leave the “You missed this guy!” and “Why is this guy ranked so high?” and “But he had 200 hits!” comments in one thread. I think I [...]
#1: “I’m Sofa King Wee” Todd “Did From All Those Beers” Hundley
If you’re ever standing next to both Todd Hundley and an abandoned well, and you don’t accidentally pat him on the back hard enough to send him hurtling into the inky dark abyss, well I guess you don’t have a murderous heart. And that’s okay. I guess if you compared him to, say, [...]
#2: Neifi “Sucked More Balls Than” Perez “Hilton”
When I am visiting my psychiatrist after the next ten World Championshipless years, and we get to the root of all of my problems with relationships and love, I’m sending the bill to the second-worst Cub of my lifetime, Neifi Perez. This is why.
#3: Alex “Your Hopes for a 2003 Championship Are” Gonzalez
You’re a lucky man, Alex Gonzalez. Your ridiculous flair for dramatic walk-off home runs and your shockingly timely home runs in the 2003 NLCS spared you from a much more degrading fate on The Bottom 126.
As it stands, you gave me just barely enough fist-pumping moments to squeeze in at third on the list. [...]
#4: LaTroy Hawkins “Do Everything You Can Do Except Close Games”
F@#$ you, Kermit. F@#$ you and your stupid list. You put me at number four on your list? That’s bullshit. Maybe I didn’t have the best years of my career with the Cubs, but you can’t do what I do. I can do what you do, but you can’t do [...]
#5: Fred “The Fact that He Took Money from the Cubs Was a Crime, Dog” McGriff
NEW FOR 2007!
Coming in August, 2007! The tenth installment in the world-famous line of Tom Emanski Instructional Videos, written, produced, and directed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff!
#6: Corey “Tarded” Patterson
You know, it’s too bad that Corey Patterson doesn’t give a shit about the game of baseball, because as anyone at the four-letter site would tell you, Patterson is the greatest five-tool player in the history of the Cubs organization. Everyone who wasn’t eating the bullshit being spoon fed to them by the Cubs [...]
#7: “As Awesome as Poisoned Cara” Mel Rojas
It takes a special kind of player to work one’s way into the Bottom 7 Cubs of my time after only 59 innings in a Cubs uniform. Melquiades Rojas Medrano was just that kind of player. I guess part of it is that Rojas managed to give up 54 hits, 30 walks, 29 [...]
#8: Jeff “Used to Shop at Marshall Field’s in the Women’s” Blauser “Section”
There is a reason the Cubs haven’t won anything in nearly a century of baseball. If you said, “Because of a goat!” “Because of the black cat!” or “Because of Steve Bartman!” go dunk your gonads in a beaker of hydrogen fluoride. We’ll wait.
Done? Hurt, didn’t it? You deserved it. [...]
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