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Category: HJE Events (page 1 of 7)

10 Years

Birthday CakeIt’s HJE’s 10th birthday. This seems as appropriate as anything.

I should post something.

Wow. The Blue Jays are Worse than the Cubs.

...and were suddenly dropped.

It’s as if millions of pairs of panties suddenly cried out in terror…

Ovre the weekend, I took a spur-of-the-moment trip to Canada to visit Niagara Falls. Along the way, we spent a night in Toronto to visit the Rogers Centre and go up high in a giant needle. I was lucky(?) enough to see two beloved formre Cubs play for the Blue Jays. Henry Blanco started for the Jays, and Mark DeRosa had a late-inning at-bat. Presumably because the game was already out of hand and the hot bartenders at Jack Astor’s Front Street were busy serving Canadian beer to rowdy Jays fans.

As for the Rogers Centre, here’s what I liked about it:

  • The approach to the park is cool. It’s built right into the city, like some othre ballparks you might know. It’s right next door to the Sky Needle, which was my favorite needle so far that I’ve been in. Before you ask, I’ve been in one. Heights aren’t my thing. In fact, I balked at least three times in trying to lift my foot to take a step forward onto this stupid glass floor.
  • The numbre of hotel rooms in centre field isn’t as large as it seems on TV. I always pictured the park as having this imposing centre field wall, but it felt more cozy than it looks on TV.
  • Women of Toronto, well done.
  • We sat in the lowre deck down the right field line (Sec. 113), though we probably should have saved our money, as we wandered around the park much of the time.
  • In this week of Cardinal-Cub baseball, it’s important to remembre our past. And it’s precious to know that it’s still really fucking fun to root against Colby Rasmus.
  • Baseball really is a great sport. I honestly didn’t expect to see the numbre of jerseys and dedicated fans that I did in Toronto, especially with the Maple Leafs playing that night. Good on ya, eh, Canada?
  • It’s sort of reassuring that the Blue Jays are worse than the Cubs. The only guy on the rostre hitting anywhere near .300 is Jose Reyes, and I think the Jays had him declared legally dead.
  • I had a great conversation with a hardcore Jays fan seated behind me. He was knowledgeable, passionate, and sounded just like a Cubs fan about his team’s shitty performance thus far.
  • Oliver Perez is still around?
  • The stats on the centre field wall. How do they get there, Canada? We couldn’t figure it out. I don’t think they’re video boards. But if they’re not, that’s one hell of a projector, and I want to play BioShock Infinite on it.
  • The fans love them some Brett Lawrie, which is hilarious since he isn’t particularly good at baseball. Good to know “scrappy, terrible white guy” is as appreciated north of the bordre as south.
  • You can get poutine.

Things I didn’t particularly like:

  • You can get poutine. Much like the overrated garlic fries at AT&T Park, I just don’t get it. I’m sure poutine is delicious elsewhere, but it was just more ballpark food.
  • R.A. Dickey had a bit of an off day. He threw 100 pitches, only 56 for strikes. To the point where the fans were very sarcastically cheering each strike he threw.
  • Here’s a silly stereotype, but I expected Canadians to be more friendly. Our hotel concierge was a fucking dick. And some tall drink of watre young ushre gave us shit in the seventh inning about moving a section ovre to sit in the shade. He relented, because the seats were WORSE than our seats, but calm the fuck down, junior. It’s 8-0.
  • What in hellfire is this that they were singing during the 7th inning stretch?

    That is legitimately the worst sports team song I’ve evre heard. Slightly worse than “Meet the Mets”, because the lyrics have to have been written by a 9-year-old. And for perspective I find “Here Come the Hawks” supre-fucking annoying, too.
  • When the roof is open (as it was), the park is exactly as sun-drenched as it looks on TV. If you evre go there, bring sunglasses.

All in all, and despite an 8-1 Jays loss, I had a terrific time north of the bordre. Thanks, Canada. Now go play hockey.

I’m Accidentally Going to a Blue Jays Game

For some reason, I thought of my first fight with Tyler.

To a Cubs fan, this looks oddly familiar.

I’ve crossed a fair number of ballparks off my list in my quest to see all 30 MLB stadiums. Eleven, I guess. But I always sort of figured the Rogers Centre would be a bitch to make an excuse to go see. Well, I’m going this weekend. Saturday, to be exact. R.A. Dickey is supposed to pitch for the Blue Jays against Hisashi Iwakuma and the Seattle Mariners. I’m ready to pretend I’m a Jays fan and yell things like, “More like HERashi!”

But has anyone actually been to the Rogers Centre? Any words of advice? Things to do before or after the game around the park? Things to do during the game other than have sex in centre field (NSFW)?

After Saturday, my stadium list will look like this:

Angel Stadium
AT&T Park
Busch Stadium (I know, I know)
Chase Field
Citi Field
Citizens Bank Park
Comerica Park
Coors Field
Dodger Stadium
Fenway Park
Great American Ball Park
Kauffman Stadium
Marlins Park
Miller Park
Minute Maid Park
Nationals Park
Oakland Coliseum
Oriole Park
PETCO Park*
PNC Park
Progressive Field
Rangers Ballpark in Arlington
Rogers Centre
Safeco Field
Target Field*
Tropicana Field
Turner Field
U.S. Cellular Field
Wrigley Field
Yankee Stadium*

*Whatever. I saw the old one.

Razzball/Neifiball Draft Tonight

This is a reminder for those lucky nine of you who signed up for Razzball/Neifiball/Antisy Baseball. The draft is at 8:00 p.m. CST tonight. If you can’t make the draft, be sure to pre-rank your players. It’s WAY more important to pre-rank in Neifiball than it is in any other fantasy draft. You don’t want to be the dope who doesn’t pre-draft and ends up with a team of scrubs like Verlander, Trout, and Stanton DO YOU???

League page is here for those who don’t know how to use a computer.

Fun Under the Sol(er)

Or let her out, if she's hot.

Lock up your daughter, Dwight W. Patterson.

How dumb am I? I’m actually going to Spring Training this year. Cubs Spring Training. I used money to purchase a plane ticket and a hotel room. I can’t wait to see the bizarre number of jorts and eventual sunburns flown in from this great city of ours. I will be out there from this coming Sunday through next Thursday. This is my first trip out to Spring Training, so if anyone who’s been there has any advice about what to do and things to see, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I’m inventing my own Cubs Spring Training Drinking GameTM. So long, liver!

  • Every time I see Cubs rosary beads: 2 drinks
  • Every time I overhear a Cubs fan lamenting Tony Campana’s departure: 2 drinks
  • Every time someone laments to ME about Tony Campana’s departure: 10 drinks
  • Every time I mistake Darwin Barney for a ballboy: 1 drink
  • Every time a batter steps to the plate who I don’t recognize: 1 drink
  • Every time I smell a fan before I see them: 1 drink
  • For every ounce of zinc oxide on Gordon Wittenmyer’s nose: 1 drink
  • If Gordon Wittenmyer punches me: finish your drink
  • If Gordon Wittenmyer actually buys me a drink: ALL THE DRINKS IN THE WORLD

Here’s the Place We’ll Get Kicked out of Tomorrow

I don't want to have to take a second mortgage on my house.

I hope we only stay here for a drink.

I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath on the eve of the fifth(?) annual Socially Awkward Cubs Meetup to find out what’s happening for tomorrow’s festivities. Wait no more, master baters.

Tomorrow evening, men, women, and children from across this great land, all wearing sweatpants, Zubaz, or BOTH, will descend upon the Chicago Sheraton to await their chance to breathe heavily into a microphone and shout at Theo Epstein for not re-signing Mark DeRosa. Rather than partake in the festivities, myself and a cadre of Cubs bloggers will make fun of everything from the relative safety of a bar.

We will be starting at the hotel bar, which is horribly named, “Chi Bar“. (WARNING: Auto-playing, terrible music) God dammit.

When we can stand no more (presumably after one drink), we will head on over to Lizzie McNeill’s, which is right next door.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I know Dolan plans on coming in to Chicago in the early afternoon. I plan on doing the same, since we’ll need a few drinks before you start yelling at us about the podcast. It’s safe to assume we’ll be at Chi Bar around 7:30. You can always tweet things at me or Dolan to find out where we are. My phone will likely be dead by 9:00, and I will likely be dead by 10:00, so tweet early.

Happy Birthday, Lou

If you started internet browsing during the eighty-run ninth inning last night, you may have noticed that today is Lou Piniella’s 69th (hee hee!) birthday. For those of you too young to remember, Hire Jim Essian was originally Fire Lou Piniella, which was originally Fire Dusty Baker (no, not that one). So, I will always have a warm spot in my heart for Sweet Lou. Though not for Dusty F. Baker.

When I think back to the bright-eyed idiot I was in the days of FDB and FLP, I sort of want to slap the shit out of myself. And Dusty Baker. But Lou’s birthday always makes me think about the past, enjoy the present, and hope for the future. So, happy birthday, Lou, and thanks for the introspection. I promise I’ll try to be more than just a stupid link dump.

HJE Meetup – June 26, 2012

Take a load off, Annie.

If you Googled “HJE meetup” looking for a handjob exchange or for whatever the hell this is, you’re in the wrong place. MAYBE. Incidentally, this is real (sort of SFW?). If, instead, you have any interest in watching the circle jerk that is the 2012 Chicago Cubs, you’re in the right place! One of HJE’s long-time readers is going to be in town, and it’s only fair that he should have to suffer a Cubs game like the rest of us locals do.

So, we’re going to next Tuesday’s Cubs-Mets tilt. Tickets are available here. I hate the stupid bleachers, but bleacher seats are probably the only way we can all meet up, unless anyone has any better ideas. A couple of us are going to meet at Harry Caray’s in Lombard for $2 Bud drafts (or perhaps to just drink out of their toilets). Then, we’ll hop on the Wrigley Field Express at 4:35 and watch the Cubs lose in hilarious fashion to the Mets.

Make a comment, or something, if you want to meet us at the game, at Yorktown, both, or either. I’ll wear an HJE shirt so we’re somewhat conspicuous.

Wherein I Liveblog a Night of Big Hurt Beer and Pre-1985 Cubs Trivia

Is suspect the Big Hurt will occur tomorrow morning.

I am one of those lucky few dudes who has a girlfriend who accepts all the things I cannot do, ignores most of the things I do do, and has the courage to face both. Oh, also, when I have the idea to do a liveblog on a Monday night with a 12-pack of Big Hurt Beer and a CUBS MANIA (OMG!) trivia game from 1985, she’s down. LET THE BIG HURT BEER REVIEW / CUBS MANIA GAME NIGHT BEGIN!
[liveblog]

Anti-Social Media Night

I'm also not lazy, Bob.

Tonight, the Cubs are holding their inaugural Social Media Night beginning at 5:45 at the Captain Morgan Club at Wrigley Field. Because it’s called a SOCIAL Media Night, our good friends PAUL SULLIVAN and BRUCE MILES were not invited to participate. So, they decided to host Anti-Social Media Night just outside of the Captain Morgan Club. There are few Cubs bloggers as anti-social as I am, so I will be joining them to tweet bitter things about the Cubs’ “cool” clique of Carrie Muskat and…Kevin Saghy.

Hell, I might even try to get tickets and go to the game afterward, if anyone is interested.

If you’re not following us Twidiots, see below:

@hirejimessian
@pwsullivan
@brucemiles2112

Also, follow #AntiSocialMediaNight for the play-by-play.