I’m not even angry. I’m being so sincere right now.
Yep. This site is not quite dead yet. So, here’s the deal. I’m getting back into live comedy, and that’s been consuming quite a bit of my time lately. I’m trying not to neglect this beautiful disaster of a blog, but life is a whirlwind right now. If you want to see me make dick jokes in real time, I’m going to be performing in my first show next Friday night at 10:00 p.m. at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora (behind the Fox Valley Mall). It’s called “World War Improv”, it’s going to pit two teams of comics against one another, and it’s going to be funny.
Your tips are as appreciated as a perfect get, a “yes and”, and a gift. SEE HOW I KNOW THE LINGO???
2014 Cubs Basketball Fever: CATCH IT!
Pitchers and catchers report on February 13th. What does that mean to you? It means nothing. The 2014 Cubs MAY get within 10 games of .500 this year. But I said that last year. Because I’m an idiot. As someone who cut the cable cord last fall, the biggest story of the 2014 season is going to be whether I’m going to be able to watch Cubs games on MLB.tv. If not, I guess I’m going to complete my final metamorphosis into a full-time Twins fan. Or maybe I’m finally going to finish that novel and learn to play guitar. Or maybe I’ll just waste that time looking at memes. Who am I to judge myself?
Your tips are as appreciated as a Sochi shower curtain.
- It’s really cool the the Cubs have a scheduled doubleheader this year, but leave it to the fucking Cubs to charge two gates for it.
- Fernando Tatis had a sick Broncos burn until he looked down and realized he was still Fernando Tatis.
- That’s the bottom line ‘cuz MATT STAIRS SAYS SO.
- Somebody wants all of Tim Wallach’s baseball cards. (HT: Pre) I’m not entirely sure why, but if I’m Tim Wallach, I’m not walking alone at night past any panel vans.
- Where are the Bud beer sponsors now? That “Whassssup?” commercial really was pretty funny before everyone started quoting it. /hipster Kermit
- I really hope they found out when someone farted in a room, and he looked over at the person accusingly. (HT: Pre)
- Bill Murray is great. Duh.
- YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Apparently, Zombeavers is a real thing.
I don’t understand the excitement.
Happy Super Bowl weekend, humans. If you have plans for the Super Bowl, you’re one step ahead of me. No part of me wants to see Peyton Manning with another Super Bowl, but a large part of me wants Pete Carroll to fall on his stupid smug face. So, go Broncos? Whatever your plans for this weekend, be safe, try to let your significant others actually watch the game if they want to, and try to space out your halftime toilet flushes.
Your tips are as appreciated as bailing on your college football program like an utter pussy just seconds before the NCAA drops the hammer on you.
- The anti-lights people: The original rooftop dickheads. I’ve got news for you, idiots from the past. If you’re trying to raise a kid around Wrigley Field, you’ve already failed as a parent.
- Couldn’t the paralyzed kid have asked her to hold up a sign, or something?
- The Cubs are going to be good some day. ALLEGEDLY.
- Anna Kendrick is improv class hot and stars in self-aware commercials.
- The VERY reliable pornwikileaks.com has some revelatory information information about why Ryan Dempster might have gotten divorced. (HT: Ziggy) For those of you who can’t get to sites with “porn” in the title:
On February 12, 2011, it was reported on the Porn Wiki Leaks Forum that Mariah Milano had fucked a Chicago Cubs pitcher on a 2010 road trip. The poster that reported the incident was a personal friend of the Cubs player and retold the story:
“A friend of mine who pitches for the cubs fucked this whore last season on a road trip. He said she smoked meth out of a glass tube in front of him, insisted on unprotected sex but he used a condom and fucked her in the ass and 30 seconds in to it he smelled shit and looked down and his entire cock was covered in shit and his balls. He threw up, kicked her out of the hotel and showered for 3 hours straight after. This chick is a nasty meth head street whore of the worst kind. A total dumpster diving tweeker too.”
When pressed to name the Cubs player, the poster said:
“his name is Ryan and he’s from Canada.”
- Wouldn’t it be safer to just paint a stripe on the ground? (HT: level5)
- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is, in my opinion, one of the most consistently great webcomics out there. This one is one of my favorites solely for the red-button punchline at the bottom.
- If you just believe in yourself, you’ll never be tired again. Or something.
- YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Bad Lip Reading is always hilarious. Here’s the Super Bowl edition.
Slo-mo beatboxing GIF via flulaborg.com/
Brace yourselves for a shitload of videos this week. Sorry in advance to you office chumps. Most of these are worth getting fired over. Some pretty awesome things have happened on the internet in the past week. Here are all of them. Oh, and the Cubs did some things. Or didn’t do some things. Oh, and ticket packages are on sale this afternoon. And tickets to see Billy Joel at Wrigley Field go on sale tomorrow. SO MANY THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHAMPIONSHIP BASEBALL ARE HAPPENING AT WRIGLEY FIELD!!!
Your tips are as appreciated as the raging exciteboner Cubs fans have right now.
Voters dig the breaking ball.
“Hall of Lame” was too low-hanging, even for me. First of all, congratulations to Greg Maddux. It was a foregone conclusion that he’d be a Hall of Famer, but I’m just glad I know have two Hall of Fame beagles (Ryno and Maddux) in my house. That said, the Hall of Fame is fucking stupid, and the bouncers to this elite club are goddamn idiots. The links below will prove just that. But I’m not going to let that get in the way of the celebration of arguably the greatest pitcher of the generation
. Congratulations, as well, to deserved Hall of Famers Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas.
Your tips are as appreciated as that extra three inches off the outside corner.