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Category: Friday Roundup (page 1 of 11)

Friday Roundup: The “Still Alive” Edition

I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now.

I’m not even angry. I’m being so sincere right now.

Yep. This site is not quite dead yet. So, here’s the deal. I’m getting back into live comedy, and that’s been consuming quite a bit of my time lately. I’m trying not to neglect this beautiful disaster of a blog, but life is a whirlwind right now. If you want to see me make dick jokes in real time, I’m going to be performing in my first show next Friday night at 10:00 p.m. at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora (behind the Fox Valley Mall). It’s called “World War Improv”, it’s going to pit two teams of comics against one another, and it’s going to be funny.

Your tips are as appreciated as a perfect get, a “yes and”, and a gift. SEE HOW I KNOW THE LINGO???

Friday Roundup: The “PLAYING CATCH!” Edition

I thought this team smelled bad on the outside.

I thought this team smelled bad on the outside.

Are you as excited as I am about grown men playing catch in the Arizona sun? It’s a low bar. But pitchers and catchers reporting is the first sign that this winter can’t LITERALLY be endless, right? Soon, there will be baseball games that don’t matter. Then, there will be baseball games that do matter. Then, around May, there will be baseball games that don’t matter again. But, hey, the sun is out today.

Your tips are as appreciated as pretending that Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist.
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Friday Roundup: The “Good Lord, It’s Nearly Spring Training” Edition

2014 Cubs Basketball Fever: CATCH IT!

2014 Cubs Basketball Fever: CATCH IT!

Pitchers and catchers report on February 13th. What does that mean to you? It means nothing. The 2014 Cubs MAY get within 10 games of .500 this year. But I said that last year. Because I’m an idiot. As someone who cut the cable cord last fall, the biggest story of the 2014 season is going to be whether I’m going to be able to watch Cubs games on MLB.tv. If not, I guess I’m going to complete my final metamorphosis into a full-time Twins fan. Or maybe I’m finally going to finish that novel and learn to play guitar. Or maybe I’ll just waste that time looking at memes. Who am I to judge myself?

Your tips are as appreciated as a Sochi shower curtain.

  • It’s really cool the the Cubs have a scheduled doubleheader this year, but leave it to the fucking Cubs to charge two gates for it.
  • Fernando Tatis had a sick Broncos burn until he looked down and realized he was still Fernando Tatis.
  • That’s the bottom line ‘cuz MATT STAIRS SAYS SO.
  • Somebody wants all of Tim Wallach’s baseball cards. (HT: Pre) I’m not entirely sure why, but if I’m Tim Wallach, I’m not walking alone at night past any panel vans.
  • Where are the Bud beer sponsors now? That “Whassssup?” commercial really was pretty funny before everyone started quoting it. /hipster Kermit
  • I really hope they found out when someone farted in a room, and he looked over at the person accusingly. (HT: Pre)
  • Bill Murray is great. Duh.
  • YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Apparently, Zombeavers is a real thing.

Friday Roundup: The “Soup Bowl” Edition

I don't understand the excitement.

I don’t understand the excitement.

Happy Super Bowl weekend, humans. If you have plans for the Super Bowl, you’re one step ahead of me. No part of me wants to see Peyton Manning with another Super Bowl, but a large part of me wants Pete Carroll to fall on his stupid smug face. So, go Broncos? Whatever your plans for this weekend, be safe, try to let your significant others actually watch the game if they want to, and try to space out your halftime toilet flushes.

Your tips are as appreciated as bailing on your college football program like an utter pussy just seconds before the NCAA drops the hammer on you.

  • The anti-lights people: The original rooftop dickheads. I’ve got news for you, idiots from the past. If you’re trying to raise a kid around Wrigley Field, you’ve already failed as a parent.
  • Couldn’t the paralyzed kid have asked her to hold up a sign, or something?
  • The Cubs are going to be good some day. ALLEGEDLY.
  • Anna Kendrick is improv class hot and stars in self-aware commercials.
  • The VERY reliable pornwikileaks.com has some revelatory information information about why Ryan Dempster might have gotten divorced. (HT: Ziggy) For those of you who can’t get to sites with “porn” in the title:

    On February 12, 2011, it was reported on the Porn Wiki Leaks Forum that Mariah Milano had fucked a Chicago Cubs pitcher on a 2010 road trip. The poster that reported the incident was a personal friend of the Cubs player and retold the story:
    “A friend of mine who pitches for the cubs fucked this whore last season on a road trip. He said she smoked meth out of a glass tube in front of him, insisted on unprotected sex but he used a condom and fucked her in the ass and 30 seconds in to it he smelled shit and looked down and his entire cock was covered in shit and his balls. He threw up, kicked her out of the hotel and showered for 3 hours straight after. This chick is a nasty meth head street whore of the worst kind. A total dumpster diving tweeker too.”
    When pressed to name the Cubs player, the poster said:
    “his name is Ryan and he’s from Canada.”

  • Wouldn’t it be safer to just paint a stripe on the ground? (HT: level5)
  • Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is, in my opinion, one of the most consistently great webcomics out there. This one is one of my favorites solely for the red-button punchline at the bottom.
  • If you just believe in yourself, you’ll never be tired again. Or something.
  • YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Bad Lip Reading is always hilarious. Here’s the Super Bowl edition.

Friday Roundup: The “Is That a Ticket Package in Your Pocket or Are You Just a Drunken Billy Joel?” Edition

Slo-mo beatboxing GIF via flulaborg.com/

Slo-mo beatboxing GIF via flulaborg.com/

Brace yourselves for a shitload of videos this week. Sorry in advance to you office chumps. Most of these are worth getting fired over. Some pretty awesome things have happened on the internet in the past week. Here are all of them. Oh, and the Cubs did some things. Or didn’t do some things. Oh, and ticket packages are on sale this afternoon. And tickets to see Billy Joel at Wrigley Field go on sale tomorrow. SO MANY THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHAMPIONSHIP BASEBALL ARE HAPPENING AT WRIGLEY FIELD!!!

Your tips are as appreciated as the raging exciteboner Cubs fans have right now.

  • Greg Maddux just keeps getting awesomer. And I’m totally going to photoshop a Cubs logo on that hat, anyhow.
  • Oh no! The Cubs are going to lose the Peoria vote!
  • Oh, rooftop owners. Die in a fire. (HT: Tina)
  • Movie quotes as charts.
  • Breaking Golden. That headline makes no sense, but somewhere some asshole is wearing a “Keep Calm and Use the Force” t-shirt, so fuck you.
  • I’m glad Bill Murray is immortal, because I’d cry my eyes out if he ever died.
  • Wait, people don’t realize The Big Bang Theory is actually terrible? THEY DON’T WRITE JOKES, PEOPLE.
  • Because you’re being a pussy, bro.
  • How is it possible that the Terminator and Dutch keeps getting MORE awesome?
  • I’m a sucker for 8-bit video game remakes of movies I love.

    Here’s The Big Lebowski.
  • You gotta admire this guy’s dedication to an arguably-terrible idea.
  • YOUR AWESOME MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: The first fight scene from Fight Club minus Tyler Durden is awesome and disturbing.

    Fight Club minus Tyler Durden from Richard Trammell on Vimeo.

Friday Roundup: The “Clark the Terrifying Nightmare” Edition

KIDS EAT FREE

KIDS EAT FREE

The Cubs Convention is upon us and, for the first time in several years, I’m not going to be drinking heavily immediately outside of it while making snarky comments about Keith Moreland’s complexion and Gordon Wittenmyer’s affinity for Dewar’s. I’M SUCH A BITCH. Maybe we’ll have to schedule a drinking thing some time in the near future. One where a pantsless Clark the Cub won’t be lurking in the shadows. Sweating. His vodka-soaked breath dampening the inside of his nightmarish visage. Waiting until one of us strays far enough from the group to strike. For a franchise that hasn’t won a World Series since before man began building the Titanic, it’s amazing that THIS is the most embarrassing decision they’ve ever made.

Your tips are as appreciated as the sickly sweet smell of Clark’s booze-infused breath on the back of your neck.

Friday Roundup: The “Hall of Dumb” Edition

Voters dig the breaking ball.

Voters dig the breaking ball.

“Hall of Lame” was too low-hanging, even for me. First of all, congratulations to Greg Maddux. It was a foregone conclusion that he’d be a Hall of Famer, but I’m just glad I know have two Hall of Fame beagles (Ryno and Maddux) in my house. That said, the Hall of Fame is fucking stupid, and the bouncers to this elite club are goddamn idiots. The links below will prove just that. But I’m not going to let that get in the way of the celebration of arguably the greatest pitcher of the generation. Congratulations, as well, to deserved Hall of Famers Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas.

Your tips are as appreciated as that extra three inches off the outside corner.
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Friday Roundup: The “SNOOOOOW DAAAAAY!” Edition

Image via Discovery.com.

Image via Discovery.com.

Or Monday Roundup, whatever. My new year’s resolution was to try to get back into posting regularly. I didn’t say when, I didn’t say how, and I’ve never vouched for the quality. Happy New Year to those of you still obsessing over lunar cycles solar revolutions. For the rest of you, happy 68th of Smarch!

Your tips are as appreciated as ancient Simpsons references.
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Friday Roundup: The “You Have a Blog?” Edition

Picture HT: level5

Picture HT: level5

Hello, internet friends. The end of the year is nearly upon us! The biggest story of the Cubs’ offseason so far has been the inking of doubles machine Ron Coomer to the WGN radio gig. I’m glad Coomer got the job. Not because I think he’ll be good. He may be. I don’t know. I’ve never heard the guy. But at least Todd Hollandsworth won’t be guffawing up the broadcast. I can’t wait to hear how Pat Hughes introduces him. Santo was “Cub legend.” Moreland was “former Cubs star.” Coomer must be “former Cub backup third baseman.” I wonder how many lonely, confused, blue-haired widows are going to send a very confusing fax confessing their love for the new Ron. Based on his attendance game picks, Pat is going with a cool dozen.

You battered readers are wonderful to send me tips despite my neglect. Send more here, if it pleases you.

  • Poor kid. Not a good name to have in this town right now. Because people are dumb, you see.
  • Great. Now the most famous person from Naperville is the dope who started the four-letter site.
  • Here’s your depressing weekly dose of whatmighthavebeens.
  • If you weren’t yet convinced that the owner of Murphy’s is a stupid asshole and you should never give him a cent of your money, here’s yet another reason. Seriously, with all the bars around Wrigley Field, why do people go to that shithole? It’s the Ronnie Woo-Woo of Wrigley bars.
  • Lock up your stray cats.
  • Sometimes, people aren’t terrible. (HT: level5)
  • It’s funny watching a drunk Vikings fan fall down, but the guy filming is as big or bigger a “fucking idiot” as the faller. There’s a kid right in front of you, you stupid asshole.
  • Bears fans are far more intelligent.
  • Honey badger don’t care.
  • Welp, our species is fucked.
  • The whole video isn’t great, but the first sixteen seconds are priceless.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: I really hope Stephen King’s Twitter feed doesn’t just confirm that he’s a creepy weirdo, but he’s certainly not off to a very good start. If you’re disappointed by King, I’m sure you can find something amusing here.
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: You yell spitting llama, everybody says, “Huh? What?” You yell testicle-biting llama, we’ve got a panic on our hands. (HT: level5)

Friday Roundup: The “XBONERTIME!” Edition

Courtesy of The Onion

Courtesy of The Onion

If it seems like I’ve been neglecting you, I HAVE. You know. Life ‘n’ junk. Plus, now that the new Xbox is out, don’t expect daddy to come home straight from work any time soon. If only UPS would get here.

Your tips are as appreciated as a reckless UPS driver who gets his route done quickly with no breakage.

  • I hope everyone’s thoughts are with the people of Washington, IL and all of the other communities affected by the storm last week. That said, GO BEARS FANS.
  • The MLB Network does this dumb shit, too.
  • To be fair, it IS pretty obnoxious when people act like they’re actually enjoying Cubs games.
  • We haven’t done a quiz in a while, so did this guy win the Cy Young? (HT: Jason)
  • I hope everyone is okay, because this propane accident is awesome. (HT: level5)
  • This was somehow Jay Cutler’s fault.
  • If you didn’t order a next-gen console, CALL YOUR MOTHER every once in a while.
  • It really whipped the llama’s ass.
  • Futurama loved its maths.
  • Dolphins don’t have the luxury of tube socks.