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Category: Fantasy Baseball (page 1 of 2)

Razzball/Neifiball Draft Tonight

This is a reminder for those lucky nine of you who signed up for Razzball/Neifiball/Antisy Baseball. The draft is at 8:00 p.m. CST tonight. If you can’t make the draft, be sure to pre-rank your players. It’s WAY more important to pre-rank in Neifiball than it is in any other fantasy draft. You don’t want to be the dope who doesn’t pre-draft and ends up with a team of scrubs like Verlander, Trout, and Stanton DO YOU???

League page is here for those who don’t know how to use a computer.

Fantasy Razzball (nee Neifiball) Signups

A long time ago, I thought I had the clever idea to try to assemble the worst fantasy baseball team possible. It was significantly more difficult than assembling a good team, because you had to balance a guy’s terrible performance with him still getting many at-bats or innings pitched. It was called “Neifiball” because Dusty Baker is a fucking idiot. As I later learned, Razzball had already established better rules for Neifiball, and they have graciously invited HJE readers to join in the last couple of years. They’re doing it again this year. So, go sign up here. I will set up a “Sons of Jim Essian” league specifically for us on the Razzball site shortly. Yahoo League ID is 128421, and the password is “skipjohnson”.

Friday Roundup: The “SPOOKTACULAR!” Edition

Comic via the excellent DogHouse Diaries.

Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you enjoyed your day of consequence-free sluttiness. Please resume your regular 364-day schedule of consequence-full sluttiness.
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2012 Chicago Cubs Fantasy Baseball Preview

And I actually LIKE Soriano.

If your “regular” fantasy baseball draft is coming up soon, and you have a bunch of questions about which Cubs players you should draft, what the fuck is wrong with you? But your answers are here. The theme, for the most part, is to draft Matt Garza. Mostly because he won’t be a Cub for too long. That is all.

Incidentally, I love that there are 189 “responses” to my post, but none of them have to do with the Cubs.

Neifiball Returns

I was in Moneyball!

I must not do a bad enough job writing the Cubs fantasy baseball preview for Grey over at Razzball, because he once again invited you fine readers of HJE into the Razzball Leagues. The guys over there perfected the goal that Neifiball is trying to accomplish: the assemblage of the worst team of baseball everyday players possible.

The rules are simple, the sign-ups are open, and the advantage is yours. No fan knows shitty everyday baseball players quite like a Cubs fan. So get over to Razzball and sign up. Baseball season is nearly upon us. God help us all.

Neifiball Invitations Sent

I've been busy, too, man!

If you signed up for Neifiball, check your e-mail. (1) I’m shocked how many people actually have Yahoo e-mail addresses. Is it 2001? (2) I can’t tell if two of the “I’m ins” in the comments were sarcastic or not. If they weren’t, we have 10 players and four dummy teams, which is perfect. Hopefully, the dummy teams will take many of the “good/bad” picks for those who can’t make the draft. They’ll obviously draft first. The earliest, best time I could get was this coming Monday at 7:00 8:00 p.m. CDT. So, we’ll miss a couple of days of scoring. I’ve been busy. DEAL WITH IT.

Oh, Yeah. Neifiball.


Thanks to morpheus for reminding me that the MLB season starts in a week and that we should probably, you know, get Neifiball going some time soon. I’m stealing the setup instructions that Rudy from Razzball does so well.

League Rules

* 10 Team Leagues, MLB universe, uses Yahoo! position eligibility
* Weekly Roster Changes (leaves you time to lavish on your Daily Leagues)
* C / 1B / 2B / SS / 3B / CI / MI / 5 OF / 9 P / 5 bench
* 1,250 innings cap. No minimum IP. No AB mins/maxes
* The league needs to set four ‘dummy’ teams that merely serve to draft the top players. This helps minimize the damage for anyone who misses the draft and forgot to update their draft list.
* 1 team per person.
* No collusion, idiots.

* Hitter Stats
o AB = +2
o H = -3
o R = -4
o HR = -6
o RBI = -4
o K = +2

* Pitcher Stats
o IP = -1
o HR = +4
o L = +8
o K = -1
o ER = +1.5
o H+BB = +1

The point structure makes it so that about 2/3 of the league’s hitters as well as just about every pitcher has positive value. So leaving a roster spot open or filled by a guy who plays once a week will hurt your team.

Leave a comment below if you want in, because we need to get this going ASAP. Also indicate if you’re willing to set up a league, since we might have enough interest for more than one league.

A New Season Begins: Neifiball Season

I know you’re as excited as I am that not-meaningful baseball finally begins this afternoon. As has become the tradition over the past couple of years, we will be doing another Neifiball league. The guys at Razzball have very generously invited us to participate in their league again. They care more about their readers than I do about you, so they actually have prizes (including an honest-to-goodness hot tub). Read the rules here.

If you want to participate, e-mail me here with the e-mail title of “Neifiball 2010” no later than MONDAY, MARCH 8. Sorry for the short deadline, but I’ve been slow to post this, and I know the Razzball guys want to get this started. We had enough people for two leagues last year, and I’m hoping we have at least that many this year.

Get your inner Dusty Baker ready. It’s going to be a great season.

A 2010 Cubs Fantasy Preview

If you recall last year, the fine folks at Razzball allowed us to borrow their anti-fantasy rules for the Neifiball League, to great success. At the time, I told you that you are all a bunch of stupid jerks if you don’t immediately put Razzball into your feed readers and bookmarks. I don’t endorse a lot of sites, but I can’t say enough good things about Razzball. It’s well-written, it’s funny, and they do a terrific job breaking down numbers while not boring you to death. In short, if you play fantasy baseball, if you follow baseball, or if you can spell “baseball,” you should be reading this site. That said, they once again gave me an opportunity to drive away all their readers by allowing me to do the 2010 Cubs Fantasy Baseball Preview. They will have previews for all 30 teams. Read them, and you will have no excuse for not winning all of your fantasy leagues.

And, seriously, bookmark/feed read/favorite that site. This is your FINAL WARNING.

Skip’s Friday Roundup: Management Consultation Edition

You want to manage this club? God help us all!Hi to the greatest group of overemployed literates this side of the San Francisco Bay! It’s me, Skip.

Lou sent me a quick e-mail this morning, and I thought I’d help him out:

From: Lou Piniella []
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 11:29 AM
To: Jim Essian []
Subject: Roundup


No, nothing new has opened up here, for Christ’s sake. Hey, I’ve got my hands full this afternoon with that prick LaRussa in town drinking all my red wine, Larry Vanover running Milton Bradley and us out of fucking games, our fucking asshole pitchers not throwing fucking strikes and getting their asses kicked. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and Bad Kermit won’t stop calling me reminding me about this fucking roundup.

Meanwhile, we have douchebags that write stories about how Wrigley Field resembles Jim Crow’s Alabama because fans have been hard on black players who suck at baseball, and I am still opening old mail from that gladhanding sonofabitch mayor governor who’s going to be getting ass raped in prison soon. Turns out that fucking guy wants to manage this fucking club. “Have I thought about batting Soriano third?” Well, shit, Blago, had you been paying any attention to games? I had batted Soriano third a few times. What an asshole!   I have Blagojevich on my shitlist, and Gordon Wittenmyer. And Bad Kermit. And Larry Vanover. And Kevin Gregg, who’s driving me to drink … more. And Bad Kermit who keeps bothering me with texts and pleas for me to write his goddam roundups. And editorial cartoonist Jack Higgins who compared me to Blago. See, we have agame and I have a lot of asses to beat.

Oh fuck, I better write out the lineup card.  Anyway, can you do the roundup?



I guess it hasn’t been the best of weeks for Lou, but it’s still early in the season, buddy. Just stand on the top step of the dugout and clap a little! There’s plenty of things to smile about! To wit:

So, Lou, order an extra drink tonight and enjoy the victory. You have a big weekend ahead. Enjoy the beautiful weekend, everyone!