Hire Jim Essian

EDITOR'S NOTE: In light of a new season starting today, in keeping with the theme of HJE, and because Uncle Mike is about as vanilla as Neapolitan ice cream without the chocolate and strawberry, we have a new Friday host! Be nice to him. He's old. Hello, Cubs fans. Popeye here. I guess I'm supposed to ... Read More

Color me surprised that the Ricketts family actually realized that it's better to pay Carlos Silva $11.5M to NOT play for their team than to play for their team. After the Cubs cut the huge, gelatinous blob from the team, Silva continued making a strong case that maybe Milton Bradley WASN'T the biggest asshole in that trade. Certainly ... Read More

It's been four and a half years since the last time you threw a shoe at your TV while Dusty Baker trotted out the following lineup (And won! Seriously.): Juan Pierre Ryan Theriot Jacque Jones Matt Murton John Mabry Henry Blanco Scott Moore Ronny Cedeno Rich Hill It's been three years since you laughed at the idiot Cincinnati Reds for hiring Dusty to manage their flock of young, hard-throwing ... Read More

Everyone who has watched Carlos Silva pitch or eat has gotten sick to his stomach. The pitching part continued today, as Silva gave up eight runs in the third inning to the Angels. Presumably, Aramis Ramirez just stood over at third base and laughed his ass off. For a franchise that didn't have any qualms about throwing actual, productive ... Read More

It's been a long time, folks. I've missed you. And, okay, this SEEMS like a no-brainer. We're revisiting the Silva-Bradley trade. Shit has happened. It's a little bit later. Milton Bradley whipped a glass at a girl's face, which is just about the most-unacceptable thing a human man can do. However, Carlos Silva ... Read More

Okay, this is weird even for a team as weird as the Cubs. From Fox Sports comes the story that, toward the end of Dusty Baker's tenure with the Cubs, someone with access to the Cub dugout was apparently taking shits in Dusty's "standin' spot, dude." The most likely explanation for this story is Dusty that is more full of ... Read More

Though Mike D. was rooting for Dave Otto to replace Ron Santo alongside Pat Hughes in the booth, my hat was in Keith Moreland's corner from the beginning. So...suck it, Mike? Really, though, the Cubs couldn't have gone wrong (shockingly) with either Otto or Moreland. I'm just glad that I don't have to listen to Otto say ... Read More

I assume I'm not the only one who found it to be a giant surprise (RIM SHOT) that Lou would be joining the Giants instead of the Yankees. I assumed, with Yankee facilities already located on Lou's home planet in Tampa, it would be a natural fit. But if there's one thing Lou likes to do, it's hold ... Read More

Also, did anyone realize that Todd Wellemeyer had a blog when he was a Cub? And he apparently discussed things like having to sneak on to a golf course. He must be the only man on earth TOO WHITE for golf. ... Read More

Thank you to everyone who let me know that CRIMINALLY MISUNDERSTOOD Milton Bradley was arrested for criminally misspeaking to a woman. It was probably that racist bitch of a kindergarten teacher his son had in Chicago. Here is California Penal Code Section 422 concerning "criminal threats": 422. Any person who willfully threatens to commit a crime which will result in death ... Read More