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Category: Ex-Cubs (page 14 of 19)

Up Yours DeRosa, And Your Legion Of Fanboys In Chicago

This is how I will always remember you, assholeCall me arrogant. Call me naive. Accuse me of shaking my fist at the gods. But I can’t help but smugly smile upon hearing the news that serial saving-children-from-burning-houses hero and future first ballot Hall of Famer Mark DeRosa has been dealt to the St. Louis Cardinals.

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Sometimes I Miss Kyle Farnsworth

There are times when my mind wanders to the question, “What is Kyle Farnsworth doing right now?” Usually, I assume the answer is, “Pouring itching powder into David DeJesus’ jock and giving Mike Aviles a swirly.” But I would have been wrong yesterday. Because yesterday, Farnsworth was getting eaten by his own dogs.
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SHOCKER! Sosa Did Steroids

If anyone is surprised about this, you should punch said person in his giant Mongoloid head. At this point does anyone even still care? I’m just going to assume that everyone who has ever been paid to play baseball has taken steroids. I’m also going to eagerly anticipate the day when Albert Pujols’ name comes up on a list.

Friday Night Fukudome: Baker vs. Baylor

The Cubs are in Cincinnati to take on Dusty Baker’s Reds, which always reminds me how glad I am that they are not “Dusty Baker’s Cubs.” The two managers prior to Lou Piniella were back-to-back dumbasses. So, let’s put them in the Fukudome.

Dusty Baker Don Baylor

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The Cubs Would NOT Be Better with DeRosa and Wood Right Now

It’s not a question of whether or not you’ve heard it this season. It’s a question of how many times you’ve heard it. It’s some variation of “This team would be so much better if they’d kept Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa.” Maybe over the course of the season, those people will be right, but they sure as hell aren’t right now.
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PANK! It’s not every day a 95 year old millionaire dies and I’m sad about it, but forgive me for donning the Bob Greene/Rick Telander/Mitch Albom Maudlin Cap of Sentimentality today as I report with a heavy heart that Herman Franks passed away early yesterday.

As I had described to GROTA last September–right before these cockbags got swept out of the playoffs for the second year in a row– one of my earliest memories of rooting for the Cubs was the visage of this pear-shaped old man who made a spectacle while giving it to the umpires, and how much it enraptured me. You could say that Herman Franks is the reason I became a Cubs fan in late 1979. Sure, it could have been Dave Kingman, who was in the midst of a 48 home run season, or Billy Buckner who would, the following season, lead the National League in hitting, or Rick Reuschel, who’s deceptive athleticism made you forget that if you clipped his bill and put a twirly on his cap that he would look just like Tweedle Dee (or was Paul Reuschel Tweedle Dee, and Rick Tweedle Dum?). But none of those players made me appreciate what was at stake until I was struck by the scene of the overmatched and mediocre and eliminated Cubs team fighting like hell against the big, bad, black and gold Pirates of Pissburgh–with lethal Willie Stargell, big fat fucking bad motherfucker Dave Parker, and that weirdo creep pedophile-looking son of a bitch Kent Tekulve; the very bad-ass Pirates who would go on to win the World Series about a month later. And Herman Franks wasn’t gonna take that shit from no umpires and let his team get knocked down by nobody. No, sir.

I got hooked on a mediocre Cubs team, and I guess I have Herman Franks to thank for it.


Should I be glad he’s dead?

Franks was preceded in death by Peanuts Lowery (died 1986), and is survived by Cookie Rojas, all members of that 1979 coaching staff. The night cashier of Yum Yum Donuts in 1979, who had apparently put together that staff, could not be reached for comment.

Saving Grace

I’m going to guess that this is going to incense some of you. Others are going to read it, pull a Bob Sugar, and say, “Finally, someone said it!” Some of you will question my baseball acumen. Others will say, “Hey, maybe Kermit wears a diaper for a reason other than his stupidity.” But I think this needs to be said. For some reason, a line in the sand has been drawn between Cubs fans over one particular player. If you’re too stupid to have read the headline and looked at the picture, then this will be a revelation for you: that player’s name is Mark Grace.

Lately, I’ve heard a lot of animosity from Cubs fans about Grace. It seems to me that it’s become trendy to rag on Mark Grace. I suspect the same people ragging on Grace are those people ragging on Derrek Lee. You know the type. Those people who think they know more about baseball than you do because they’ve inexplicably decided to place the utmost importance on a player’s ability to not ground into double plays. I’m going on record right now as saying I fucking love Mark Grace, and I’m blowing Marlboro smoke at all of you bastards who have forgotten how good he actually was.
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Friday Night Fukudome: Hill vs. Patterson vs. Pie vs. Sosa

Assuming Rich Hill ends up getting traded to Baltimore, that is an awful lot of Cubs castoffs who have been traded to the Orioles. So, let’s throw some of the “top” players into the Fukudome and see what we get.

Rich Hill Corey Patterson Felix Pie Sammy Sosa

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Let’s Be Contrarian and Thank Marquis

Everyone is piling on Jason Marquis and is thrilled that he is no longer in Chicago. As you know, I’ve been hoping that Sean Marshall would win Marquis’ job for the past two seasons. But instead of adding to the pile let’s instead flash back to Sunday, September 16, 2007. You remember 2007. Lou Piniella’s first year. Jason Marquis’ first year. The Cubs fell way behind the Milwaukee Brewers in the standings, then came roaring back to take a late season lead in the NL Central. On September 16th, they were clinging to a one-game lead over the Brewers, a lead which most Cubs fans expected to be gone at the end of the day as Marquis took the mound in Busch Lite against the St. Louis Cardinals. Meanwhile, the Brewers were hosting the hapless Cincinnati Reds up in Milwaukee.
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Thanks for all the Birthday Wishes

Hey, Hugh! That's my Skipper's hat!

Hey, gang! Thanks for  all of your birthday wishes yesterday. What? There were no birthday wishes on Hire Jim Essian yesterday? Don’t think I didn’t notice.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bad Kermit asked me to file a post yesterday in honor of my birthday. He also asked me to buy two overpriced hockey tickets that were behind a Pole! Didn’t he know that the last time I had to sit so close to Poles at Wrigley Field, I was sandwiched in between Mike Bielecki and Dick Pole.  Pole was trying to tell Bielecki something about his delivery, and all Bielecki (aka the Polish Prince) could do is respond with fifth-grade humor about his pitching coach’s name. Come to think of it, I joined in. It was great.

I guess I should have bought the tickets after hearing Kermit’s review of the afternoon.  But, it was my birthday, and I asked my family to BUY me the tickets for my birthday.  Why would I shell out five big ones for two seats when my ne’er do well children could just as easily shell out five big ones for the seats and give them to me?

At any rate, it’s my 58th birthday, and in honor of such a milestone, let me give you a weekly and yearly roundup with 58 items! First, of course, the weekly roundup: