That woman. She's going to eat you.

I’d like to think that somewhere down in the southern part of this country, a young fireballer named Kerry Wood was having a similar experience. Maybe in an Astros or a Rangers jersey or, if his coach didn’t spring for fancy uniforms like ours did, an Ace Hardware jersey. I hope that some of Kerry’s best memories of summers past were riding in the back of his coach’s pickup truck making up ridiculous rap songs with his twelve teammates. That he, too, experienced that nervous flutter in his stomach every time he stepped to bat. That it got worse when he faced an 0-2 count. That he thought having a sign indicator was a stroke of genius, and that having an anti-indicator that erased all previous signs BLEW HIS MIND.

I hope somewhere in Texas, Kerry was perched on his own stove-hot aluminum bench, laughing with his teammates as he tried to hock a gob of spit so that it perfectly bisected the diamond formed by the links of the chain fence in front of him. In his junior high years, I imagine Kerry thought he was the pinnacle of cool when he graduated from Big League Chew to sunflower seeds. And, oh, how impressive it must have been when he was able to spit those tiny shells through those same chain link diamonds.

Did Kerry leave his eyeblack on just a little bit longer to impress the girls who swung by the field after spending the day at the pool? Did he refuse to let his mom wash his uniform as long as his hitting streak kept up? Did he hold up a similar big orange Gatorade jug as his teammates lined up for drinks in between games of a Saturday doubleheader? Did he talk his parents into getting him contacts instead of glasses because glasses fog up in the summer and it’s harder to see a baserunner out of the corner of your eye when you’re wearing glasses? I hope so.

I grew up watching larger-than-life adults on WGN and at Wrigley Field playing baseball. I could never imagine that I would someday be the same age as those guys who got paid to play a kids’ game. And then, Kerry Wood came along. At twenty, while I was preparing for a dreaded organic chemistry final, Kerry Wood was preparing for the dreaded Houston Astros lineup. About mid-way through the game, one of my dorm mates demanded I put down the books and watch Kerry’s mastery of the Astros. Wood fared better against Bagwell and Biggio than I did against carbon and hydrogen, but I didn’t regret my choice to watch Kid K become legend.

As I watched Kerry toy with one of the best lineups in baseball, I tried, foolishly, to imagine facing him. Our old rival, and probably the best pitcher I faced growing up, was Thurman Hendrix. He was practically unhittable. He was bigger, stronger, and a hell of a lot more intimidating than any of the other kids on the field. I remember getting drilled in the ankle by him and thinking I would never walk again. He played a little professional ball, even. But he was no Kerry Wood.

Watching Kerry try to will the Cubs past the Braves during the 1998 NLDS was like watching one of my old Riverside Yankee teammates do it. But his baby face belied his decades-old arm, and 1998 was not meant to be. I thought there was a lot of pressure on me to finish school, get a diploma, get a job. I was expected to be average. A normal guy in a tie. Kerry Wood was expected to be a legend. A savior in pinstripes.

In 2003, I was back in law school. Because Cubs playoff tickets at Wrigley Field were near-impossible to get, I found two complete strangers who were heading down to Atlanta to attend Game Two of the NLDS. We bought tickets, divvied up driving duties, and decided to make a road trip of it. We left right after classes on Tuesday, September 30, and stopped in Indianapolis along the way. We had to watch Kerry Wood pitch Game One. Everyone, of course, remembers Wood’s home run in the 2003 NLCS. But fewer make mention of the go-ahead, game-winning, 2-run double Wood hit in Game One of the NLDS. In Little League, there were no free outs in the lineup. Our best pitchers were often our best hitters. Kerry was both that night, finishing 2-4 with a double, 2 RBIs, and, on the other side of the ball, 11 strikeouts. I could practically feel the heat from the aluminum radiating through my polyester uniform pants as I watched him be the best athlete on the field.

Like all of yours, my heart went out to Kerry in 2003, when the kid who loved the game had to become the man who accepted defeat. Fifteen years prior, a double scoop of Gold Medal Ribbon and Pink Bubblegum in a sugar cone might have staved off Kerry’s tears. Not that night. He wept like the thousands of Cubs fans around the world were weeping. Like a kid might weep. And we loved him for it.

Kerry Wood will always be Kid K. The kid who never outgrew his love of the game, and who, despite the unstoppable march of my own years, never let me forget mine. Thanks for the memories, Kerry.

Does this team even HAVE a "blow" switch?

Whenever there is some actual, bona fide talent waiting in the Minor Leagues, the argument against bringing them to the Major Leagues is that they can’t be rushed. I absolutely hate that argument, but for now I’ll concede the point that these fully-grown men who have been under a microscope since they were twelve years old are so fragile that they will wilt under the MLB media and forget everything they’ve ever learned about baseball if they get off to a start as bad as, oh, say, Marlon Byrd’s. But what if there’s absolutely no rush at the Major League level?

This 2012 Cubs team is bad. They have a legitimate chance to be one of the worst Cub teams in my lifetime. Less than a tenth of the way into the season, and this team is already making my 76-86 prediction look hilarious. They are already SEVEN games behind the NL-Central-leading Cardinals. If the Cubs don’t lose a game for the rest of April, and the Cardinals don’t win a game for the rest of April, the Cubs will only tie them for first place. The odds of that happening are slim, as the Cubs have to play the Cardinals and Phillies in those seven games. What I’m saying is that there is absolutely no one in the Cub organization who reasonably thinks this team can compete this year. Even Ronnie Woo-Woo is thinking about scalping some of his free tickets and, oh, say, getting a fucking job and contributing something to society like actual human beings do.

So, if the expectations are literally and honestly zero from everyone in the Cub organization. If Theo’s Think Tank^TM will be transparent with the fans and admit that, yes, this is a total rebuilding of the clusterfuck of an organization that Jim Hendry left behind. If the fans would be willing to watch a couple of sub-.400 winning percentage seasons. If Soriano really is toast, Geovany Soto is bad again, LaHair isn’t worse in left field than Soriano is, and DeJesus is as pointless as a Phil Rogers column. Why CAN’T Anthony Rizzo, Brett Jackson, Matt Szczur, and Welington Castillo play this year? No, not this year. I’m sure most of them will be playing this year. Like, right now.

We all know you’re committed to fixing this thing, Theo. Just admit that you’re committed to sucking until it’s fixed.

The 2012 Nut-Punch Ends in…FIVE MONTHS AND TEN DAYS? God dammit.

DUMB.

On the other hand, Aramis Ramirez played in 1,124 games as a Cub. He put up a .294/.356/.531 line. He hit 239 home runs and drove in 806 RBIs. I haven’t done the actual math, but 75% of those home runs and RBIs were of the walk-off variety. And he came into Chicago last night and got a smattering of boos.

If you booed Aramis Ramirez at the game last night, kill yourself. Right now. You are too dumb to live.

As far as I can tell, there are only two possible explanations for Mark DeRosa getting cheered at Wrigley Field and Aramis Ramirez getting booed:

1. Cubs fans are wrongly upset at the way those two players left town. DeRosa was traded at the height of his production, a concept so anti-Cub that people can’t see it for being actually intelligent. Instead of appreciating the fact that the Cubs got valuable players in return for a guy who had no fit on the team going forward, they lit their torches and sharpened their pitchforks. Ramirez, on the other hand, played out his entire contract with the Cubs. He played hard, he improved his defense the entire time in Chicago, and he wasn’t offered a new contract by the Cubs. He was the best player on the Cubs for at least half of his career in the city. He didn’t pull an Albert Pujols (which was also totally okay) by taking more money to go somewhere else. He just went where a contract was offered. This is, apparently, an unforgivable offense in Chicago.
2. Gordon Wittenmyer is right, and Cubs fans really are racist assholes. Wouldn’t that be a horrible stain on the reputation of the city of Chicago? If Gordon Wittenmyer were actually right about something?

Those girls who say your Caray impression is funny are doing it ironically, Dempster.

Here is Dempster doing his shtick where he acts all soft-spoken and speaks in baseball cliches. And then, just when he lulls the reporters into a sense of bland interview, that’s when he squirts them with a flower!

In other terrible Ryan news, 100% of the Cajun Connection is looking for a job. The San Francisco Giants are looking to unload both Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot before the end of this week. Otherwise, they’ll just cut them and only pay them 1/4 of their salary. The Cubs had better act fast to move Marlon Byrd to the Braves before they land the REAL prize pig in Theriot! Maybe they can even throw in Dempster’s fake vomit gag!

He can't even write a convincing smile.

With a strong breeze blowing through the pine trees and palmetto bushes, the Tampa Bay Rays walked out of their clubhouse and down a stone path, headed toward back diamonds for practice. They walked alone or in groups of twos and threes, and, to be fair, they weren’t all former Cubs.

Phil truly makes F. Scott Fitzgerald look like Stephanie Meyer.

Only half of them.

Half of the guys on the Rays’ roster have connections to the Cubs? Really?

OK, not really.

JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

But the five guys who Jim Hendry sent to Tampa Bay for Matt Garza are conspicuously on display for a team that is successfully mixing a small budget with big expectations.

Oh, shit. Did everyone forget to invite Phil to the press conferences announcing the firing of Jim Hendry and the subsequent hiring of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer? Because that would be AWESOME.

Outfielders Sam Fuld and Brandon Guyer and catcher Robinson Chirinos all made the Rays’ 2011 team picture…

Guyer had 41 at-bats in 2012. Chirinos had 55. ALL OF THEM CRUCIAL.

…with Fuld turning into a cult hero during the unlikely ride from a 1-8 start to a wild card appearance in the 2011 playoffs.

The Legend of Sam Fuld: .240/.313/.360

It is truly a tale that Rays fans will be telling their grandchildren for years to come.

Shortstop Hak-Ju Lee and right-hander Chris Archer profile as significant pieces for the organization’s future.

I’m not saying that Lee and Archer aren’t going to be decent players. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t trust Phil Rogers to evaluate the quality of my Netflix Instant Watch streaming video.

“I don’t think any of those guys have done things we didn’t expect them to,” Rays general manager Andrew Friedman said. “It’s not like any of them had a year where they just blew the doors down. They’re all good players, they play the game fundamentally well and that fits with our organization. They’re part of the depth that we believe in, and that’s why we made that trade.”

“Also, we couldn’t afford to keep paying Matt Garza. Did I mention that part? That it was a decision motivated quite a bit by the salaries of the respective players involved? I don’t want to call it a salary ‘dump’ per se, but we certainly would have loved to still have had Matt Garza last year during the playoffs.”

So much for the wisdom of trying to patch things together on a year-to-year basis, as Hendry worked to do in three different periods of the Cubs’ ownership.

Maybe that’s why he got fired. For performing terribly at his job. I understand why this might be a completely foreign concept to Phil, but most of the American workforce has to worry about it.

The Rays have gone to the playoffs three of the last four seasons by building from the ground up, in the style that the Ricketts family is attempting to emulate.

Wait. Let’s get something straight. The Ricketts family still has no fucking clue how to manage or build a baseball team. I’m very excited that the Ricketts family is, apparently, self-aware enough to realize that they have no fucking clue how to manage or build a baseball team. They finally hired some people who know what the hell they’re doing and will hopefully fix the mess that they’ve made. But until the Rickettses fire Crane Kenney…out of a cannon…into a wall made of razor blades…covered in hantavirus…they have no idea how to run a front office.

With Tom Ricketts giving Theo Epstein a five-year window to succeed after identifying him as Hendry’s replacement, the Cubs no longer seem to have the fear of failure that was behind the Garza trade.

Wait, why? That sentence means absolutely nothing. The Cubs hired the best baseball executive on the market and probably HAD to give him five years to convince him to leave Boston. How does that even remotely connect to their “fear of failure”? If anything, paying a lot of money to get the best executive in baseball makes me think they’re MORE afraid of being unsuccessful. But I guess that’s probably because I think about words before I type them.

It gave the Cubs one starting pitcher who is better than any of their holdovers but, like the Edwin Jackson trade that cost the White Sox a long-term starter in Daniel Hudson, it always begged a question: What was the point?

To improve the team with a pitcher still in his prime for a price cheaper than the bloated contracts of Ryan Dempster and Carlos Zambrano.

Also, I feel like a professional journalist should understand what the phrase “begging the question” actually means. Because Phil used it completely incorrectly.

Hendry said he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t have Garza under control for three years, but multiple players are more valuable than one arm for a rebuilding team.

Ah, we’re back to Phil’s brilliant plus-one system of evaluating trades. To sum it up, if you traded Jeff Samardzija and Darwin Barney for Justin Verlander, you lost the trade because you gave up TWO Major League players for only ONE. Idiot.

That’s why Epstein and his staff are having a hard time figuring out what to do with Garza, who is two years away from free agency.

They’re not trying to figure out what to do with Garza. If they get a good offer for Garza, they’re going to trade him. If they don’t, they’re going to keep him and watch him continue to be the best pitcher on the team.

The Cubs don’t seem to know whether they want to sign the 28-year-old to a five-year deal that would cost them at least $75 million, trade him when someone makes an offer they deem strong enough or let the situation percolate until the answer becomes clear. It’s fair to say the Rays haven’t missed Garza.

Especially not in the playoffs, when two of their starters combined for a total of 9 innings and a 10.00 ERA.

Friedman, who has morphed from an unknown…

Unknown only by people who don’t do their research and- Oh, never mind.

…into one of the game’s most respected thinkers in seven years, knows he made a great trade when he dealt Garza to create room in the rotation for Rookie of the Year Jeremy Hellickson…

I don’t want to speak for this mysterious Friedman character, but I’m pretty sure he would have rather moved Wade Davis or Jeff Niemann out of the rotation and kept Garza.

…just as he knows he made a good deal when he sent Delmon Young, the first overall pick in the 2003 draft, to Minnesota for Garza after the ’07 season.

Since Phil Rogers can’t be bothered to do his job properly, please don’t misread that to say that the Twins traded Garza straight up for Delmon Young. The Twins gave up Eduardo Morlan and Jason Bartlett for Brendan Harris, Jason Pridie, and Young. Still an overall win for the Rays, but Young did drive in 112 runs for the Twins in 2010. What I’m saying is Phil Rogers is incompetent.

For everything the Rays got in the five seasons they had Young and Garza…

Please note that the Rays had Garza for exactly two seasons, in 2006 and 2007. At no point in the existence of MLB baseball in Tampa Bay did the Rays have Delmon Young and Matt Garza. I understand what that sentence is SUPPOSED to say. I’m just saying that sentence doesn’t say that at all.

…including Garza’s ALCS Game 7 victory over the Red Sox to send Tampa Bay to the World Series in 2008, they never paid more than $3.7 million a year to either of them (that was Young’s signing bonus). The Cubs will pay Garza $9.5 million this year, and more in 2013 if they keep him.

The Cubs will pay Ryan Dempster $14M this year to wear fish ties and put Icy Hot in Starlin Castro’s jock. Direct your pointless outrage toward his useless ass.

Fuld, who was considered a minor part in the deal, got 308 at-bats and made the catch of the year for the Rays.

I’D TRADE MATT GARZA RIGHT BACK TO THE RAYS IN EXCHANGE FOR ONE SINGLE OUT!!!

Chirinos, who was traded on the heels of a breakout 2010 season…

Huh. I always thought a “breakout season” meant a player’s stats unexpectedly showed incredible improvement. Not that a player steadily improved in the minor leagues at a incredibly consistent pace. My mistake.

…is battling Jose Lobaton for the backup catcher’s job behind Jose Molina. Guyer, who hit .312 with 14 homers in Triple A, is battling for a bench job.

“Sure wish we had him 5 years ago.”
“We did.”
“Ten years, then.”

But it was Lee and Archer who were the headliners in the trade, and their stock has increased.

SELL! SELL! SELL!

Lee, 21, won a batting title in the Florida State League and is ranked as the Rays’ No. 2 prospect by Baseball America. Both he and Archer, who is penciled into the rotation for Triple-A Durham, could force their way into the picture later this season.

“Penciled into the rotation,” “force their way into the picture,” “shitty, hacky sports cliches.”

Handling any of these five guys should be relatively easy. The Cubs, however, will have to double down on Garza or cash out in a big way if they’re going to make this trade work for them.

There you go, Theo Epstein. Phil Rogers has ruined another 1,000 words of English just to point out what you’ve been trying to do all offseason. FIX HENDRY’S MISTAKES, THEO!

The thin Red Line.

What better time to rebuild Wrigley Field than when you fully expect that your team isn’t going to be competitive? I think the one nightmare scenario in the minds of many Cubs fans is that the one season they play in Milwaukee or on the South Side will be the one the Cubs finally win the World Series. I don’t care where they win it, but I do understand that an image of Carlos Marmol getting the final out in the bottom of the 9th of Game Seven of the Series would be somewhat tainted if it was against a U.S. Cellular backdrop.

But let’s be realistic. If the Cubs fire on all cylinders this year, they could certainly win the NL Central, but they are not a legitimate playoff threat. Their pitching staff is deep, but not dominant. Their defense is suspect at best. They have no power. And, despite Theo’s tinkering, they probably still don’t get on base enough. And that’s okay.

Be bad for a couple of years. Add to the terrible baseball that will be played on the South Side next year. Fix your park. Then come back and win the whole damn thing in 2015 in your new, functional, beautiful park.

This is how I'll remember you.

Carlos ends his Cubs career at #7 on the all-time Cubs leaderboard with 7.597 strikeouts per 9 innings pitched. If Theo Epstein can’t trade Ryan Dempster before the 2012 season, Big Z has a decent shot at working his way up to #6. Carlos’ 1,542 strikeouts are second only to Fergie Jenkins’ 2,038 as the most by a Cub. Ever. Carlos started 282 games in a Cub uniform, and he drilled more guys (92) than anyone but Clark Griffith and Kerry Wood.

Carlos is one of the best hitting pitchers in MLB history, and has more career home runs than Ryan Theriot, Juan Pierre, Mike Hampton, and Fergie Jenkins. No matter how volatile and insane Carlos may have been, his starts and his at-bats were must-see baseball.

I’ll never forget Carlos punching Michael Barrett right off the team, and punching the 2007 Cubs into contention. I’ll never forget him showing no remorse when he drilled then-hated Jim Edmonds right between the shoulder blades. I’ll never forget him annihilating a Gatorade cooler. I’ll never forget him flipping out on Todd Walker for playing second base like a total Todd Walker. I’ll never forget the curse of The Stinx. I’ll never forget him helping Ron Stilanovich teach kids to take one for the team. And I’ll never forget him sticking the ball up a whiny bunch of Houston Astros’ asses on that thrilling night in 2008.

Carlos was all sorts of crazy, but he was never malicious. It could never be said that Carlos didn’t care about baseball. If anything, his outbursts came from being too competitive. No one would have been happier than Carlos to see a World Series trophy in Chicago, and no player on the team played with such unbridled joy. His behavior shouldn’t be excused. But nor should it overshadow the outstanding things he did for the Cub organization.

Carlos joins the asylum being assembled in Miami. I hope he pitches well, I hope he finds his qi, and I hope he gets a chance to pitch at Wrigley Field and gets the standing ovation he deserves.

Especially not against the Cubs!

As a Cubs fan, surely you assume that everything that can go wrong for you will go wrong. That’s almost entirely true, and I’m not going to deny that your life is absolutely horrible. However, ponder this. In a world where Murphy’s Law ALWAYS applies to the dopes in Murphy’s Bleachers, Xavier Nady would have been a Cardinal. He was originally drafted by St. Louis on June 3, 1997, but didn’t sign, electing instead to play college ball at the University of California.

Nady eventually signed with the San Diego Padres after they took him in the second round of the 2000 draft. The Luis Montanez, Bobby Hill, Todd Wellemeyer draft, that is.

Nady got his first trip to the Majors almost immediately. He signed his first contract on September 17, 2000, and he was in a Padres uniform on September 30, 2000. Bespectacled ‘roider Eric Gagne started for the Dodgers at Qualcomm Stadium with eventual Cubs Tom Goodwin, Mark Grudzielanek, Eric Karros, and Todd Hundley in the lineup. Another eventual Cub, Matt Clement, pitched for the Padres and gave up a grand slam to…Todd Hundley. That has to be a typo. Other notable Cubs involved in this shitheap of a game: Dave Hansen, Damian Jackson, Phil Nevin, John Mabry, and Will Cunnane. Nady pinch hit for Todd Erdos in the bottom of the 7th with the Padres trailing 10-1 and lined a 2-2 pitch into center field for his first MLB base hit.

Nady spent the next two seasons back down in the minors and rewarded the Padres for their patience by hitting 49 home runs and driving in 180 RBIs in 267 games. That was a good enough performance to get him 404 plate appearances in the 2003 season with the Padres. It was then that Nady made his first appearance against the Cubs. On April 22, 2003, the Padres sent Brian Lawrence to the mound at Wrigley Field against Carlos Zambrano. Nady got the start in right field and batted seventh. Unfortunately for Xavier, this was when Carlos Zambrano was still “Big Z.” He mowed through the Padres’ offense, giving up only two earned runs in six innings. Nady went 0-4 on the day, and the Padres lost 7-2.

That would be the only game the Cubs won against Nady in that series. Despite giving up only four runs to San Diego in their next two games, the Cubs lost them both by scores of 2-0 and 2-1.

Nady suffered through an injury-plagued 2004 season, but by 2005 he was up to his old tricks against the Cubs. In Nady’s first game back against the Northsiders, the Padres won a 1-0 game against the Cubs at Wrigley Field. Ryan Dempster gave up only one unearned run and four hits, and struck out seven Padres in six innings, but he got the loss, which is, of course, hilarious.

At the end of the 2005 season, after four seasons in San Diego, Nady was traded to the New York Mets for Mike Cameron. The Mets, being who they are, traded Nady at the 2006 non-waiver trade deadline to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez. Nady had his best years in Pittsburgh, putting up a .301/.353/.482 slash line in 269 games, and driving in 57 runs in his first 89 games of the 2008 season. That, of course, drew the attention of the New York Yankees. They acquired Nady along with Damaso Marte in exchange for Jeff Karstens, Daniel McCutchen, Ross Ohlendorf, and Jose Tabata on July 26, 2008.

Nady drove in 40 runs in only 59 games for the Yankees in the second half of 2008, but he played only seven games for them in 2009, so he was granted his free agency. He signed with the Cubs for a very forgettable 2010 season, then signed with the Arizona Diamonbacks last year, appearing in 82 games.

Throughout the course of Nady’s ten-year career, he has compiled a .275/.328/.438 slash line with 97 home runs and 393 RBIs. Positively underwhelming when compared to what Nady was SUPPOSED to do in the MLB. What he was supposed to do was put up the numbers he had against the Cubs. In 190 plate appearances against Cub pitching, Nady batted .304, with a .358 OBP and a .474 slugging percentage. If it weren’t for Nady’s awful 2008 against the Cubs, when he managed only a .544 OPS in 51 plate appearances, his career OPS against the Cubs WAS, as a younger Kermit described it, “absurd.” In the three seasons prior to 2008, Nady posted OPSes of 1.158, .941, and .918. In 2005, Nady SLUGGED .737 against the Cubs. That’s less than 30 points shy of his career OPS.

Nady’s 52 hits against the Cubs are second only to the 63 he has against the Cincinnati Reds. He has hit more doubles (14) against the Cubs than he has against any other team. He has drawn 13 walks off of Cub pitching, behind only the 17 he’s drawn against the Colorado Rockies.

So, yeah. I stand behind my four-and-a-half-year-old assertion that Xavier Nady is a Cub killer.

Why You Should Hate Him: Nady may or may not have been the catalyst that caused (1) Carlos Zambrano to lose his mind and punch Michael Barrett in the face, (2) Lou Piniella to abruptly retire and subject us to a year and a month of the horrifying visage of Mike Quade, and (3) Ted Lilly to slam his glove on the mound in disgust during the 2007 NLDS. On May 8, 2007, the Pirates were at Wrigley Field to take on Lilly and the Cubs. Lilly sailed through the first seven innings, allowing only two runs on seven hits. Nady, however, was seeing Lilly well. He singled in his first two at-bats off Lilly and scored a run, yet the Cubs led the Pirates 3-2 entering the 9th. That son of a bitch Ryan Dempster, who I honestly forgot was a closer as recently as 2007, came on in the 9th to protect the Cubs’ lead. After retiring Jose Bautista, Dempster walked Nate McLouth, served up a base hit to Ryan Doumit, then gave up an 0-2 sacrifice fly to Jack Wilson that tied the game. The game went into extra innings, giving Nady a chance to collect a walk and two more hits, including a leadoff double in the 12th off gelatinous blob, Scott Eyre. The Pirates hung in until Dusty Baker had no choice but to put Neal Cotts in for the top of the 15th. Cotts loaded up the bases with two outs before allowing yet another Jack Wilson sacrifice fly to give the Pirates a 4-3 lead. Nady finished the game 4-6 with a walk and a run scored, and the Pirates won 4-3. I have no direct proof, but I have a bulletin board in my bedroom that STRONGLY suggest that this game led to a series of events that caused Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella, and Ted Lilly to all LOSE THEIR MINDS.

Did You Know? In researching Xavier Nady’s entry, I noticed two things. The number one “similar batter” to Nady according to Baseball-Reference is none other than former Cub / beer league softball player Ron Coomer. But the number TWO comparable batter is a former Cardinal outfielder named RIP REPULSKI. And he’s ugly, to boot! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS? I am currently taking submissions for how I can include some sort of Rip Repulski segment into HJE.

I'm back, bitches!

Neifi Perez’s professional baseball career began in 1992, when the newly-formed and Don-Baylor-coached Colorado Rockies drafted him as a free agent out of the Dominican Republic. At the time, the Rockies thought Neifi was a fantastically-talented 18-year-old. They would later learn that he was a terrible, lying 20-year-old.

Though Neifi could hit for neither power nor average, he steadfastly refused to draw walks in the minor leagues, posting OBPs of .306, .284, and .294 in his first three seasons and striking out 179 times against only 75 walks. However, in 1996 while in AAA Colorado Springs, Neifi’s slash line spiked to .316/.337/.444. That line earned him a 1996 cup of coffee, and he debuted on August 31, 1996, against the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium. Neifi led off and played second base, since Colorado was still committed to Walt Weiss at shortstop. Neifi went 0-4 with a strikeout, and he even grounded into a double play for good measure as the Rockies lost 2-1.

Neifi’s first two games against the Cubs both came on July 19, 1997, when the Rockies were visiting Wrigley Field for a good old-fashioned double header. In the first game, Neifi went 0-4 with a strikeout as Steve Trachsel and the Cubs blanked the Rockies 7-0. Game two is when Neifi started hitting his way up the T79. He went 1-3 with an unheard-of two walks in the nightcap, though the Rockies still lost 6-5. To give you some idea of just HOW tough it is to walk Neifi, only 18 times in his 1403 games as a Major Leaguer did he draw multiple walks in a game. Seventeen of those times were two-walk performances, with one three-walk anomaly in the mix.

Back in AAA at the start of the 1997 season, Neifi hit .363/.393/.541, and the Rockies called him up for good. Dammit. Neifi slowly squeezed out Weiss and by the 1998 season, he was Colorado’s starting shortstop, playing in all 162 games. This would become important for Cubs fans in game 162.

At the end of the 1998 season, the Cubs were battling with the New York Mets and the San Francisco Giants to win the National League Wild Card. On the final day of the season, the Giants were in Colorado, needing a victory to clinch the Wild Card. The game was tied 8-8 in the bottom of the ninth inning when Dusty Baker went to his lights-out closer, Rob Nen. Neifi had hit only eight home runs the entire season, yet he crushed the second pitch he saw from Nen deep into the right field seats to give the Rockies a walkoff win. The Giants’ loss gave them an 89-73 record on the season, tied with the Cubs. More importantly, because of the old idiotic, archaic, Selig-esque “coin flip” rules, the loss forced a one-game playoff the next day at Wrigley Field, which the Cubs won, 5-3. AND THEN THEY WENT ON AND SWEPT THE BRAVES, AND THE PADRES, AND THE YANKEES, AND THEY WON THE WORLD SERIES! LA LA LA LA LA!

Neifi’s heroic role in Cub lore would not last long.

Neifi played for six seasons in Colorado before he was traded to the Kansas City Royals at the 2001 trade deadline for Jermaine Dye. Straight up. Wow. After the 2002 season, Neifi was picked up by the Giants, and he spent the 2003 season in San Francisco. If you recall the disastrous 2004 season, you’ll recall that the Cubs traded for Nomar Garciaparra at the trade deadline AND WON YET ANOTHER WORLD SERIES LA LA LA LA LA! The fact that Nomar’s body was made entirely of crystal caused Jim Hendry to sign Neifi as a backup plan in August of 2004. I guess the move “paid off,” since during the 2005 season, Nomar’s groin exploded off of his body and rolled around in the St. Louis dirt for several minutes before it was eaten by a squirrel.

Nomar’s injury gave Cubs manager Dusty Baker what he really wanted: an excuse to play “his guy” Neifi in ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-FOUR GAMES during the 2005 season. Baker then famously said one of the most idiotic things anyone has ever said. When Nomar was ready to come off the disabled list, Baker uttered, “We’ll have to see how Nomar is doing. Neifi says he realized when he came here that he came here as a utility guy. But he hasn’t remained a utility guy with what he has done. I hear a lot of people say, `Hey, put (Ronny) Cedeno in.’ What am I supposed to do, push Neifi out now? This guy has saved us.” Neifi “saved” the Cubs’ 79-83 season with an atrocious .274/.298/.383 line.

Sure enough, Baker DID eventually put Ronny Cedeno in during the 2006 season, and Neifi was traded to the Detroit Tigers for Chris Robinson. After a Neifi-esque year and a half in Detroit, when he hit .186/.228/.240, Neifi was finally, mercifully out of baseball.

Neifi had 202 plate appearances against the Cubs over the course of seven seasons, compiling a staggering .307/.357/.497 line. Incredibly, the wild-swinging Neifi struck out only 17 times while drawing 14 walks against the Cubs, a far cry from his career .459 BB/K ratio.

Neifi’s seven home runs against the Cubs are more than he’s hit against anyone except the Pirates (8), and he did it in 74 fewer at-bats. His .307 batting average and .357 OBP are behind only his numbers against Colorado and the Oakland Athletics. His .497 slugging percentage trails only the damage he’s done against the Kansas City Royals (in only 12 at-bats) and the Rockies.

Either Neifi REALLY hates his former teams, or he’s one hell of a Cub killer. Whether he’s in blue pinstripes or not.

Why You Should Hate Him: May 20, 2004. The 2004 season was an absolute joy to watch from Opening Day through the Kent Mercker-Steve Stone bitch-fest, all the way until the dust settled over the unfiltered agony of September. So it was really no surprise when Neifi, who hit only two home runs for the Giants that season, lofted a tenth-inning, two-out, two-run homer off of Joe Borowski to break a 3-3 tie and give the Giants a lead that they would hold. No, wait. All of that is EXACTLY surprising.

Did You Know? If you’re reading this site, you probably already know that Rubby Perez is Neifi’s brother. But if you didn’t know that, MERRY CHRISTMAS.