This is how I'll remember you.

Carlos ends his Cubs career at #7 on the all-time Cubs leaderboard with 7.597 strikeouts per 9 innings pitched. If Theo Epstein can’t trade Ryan Dempster before the 2012 season, Big Z has a decent shot at working his way up to #6. Carlos’ 1,542 strikeouts are second only to Fergie Jenkins’ 2,038 as the most by a Cub. Ever. Carlos started 282 games in a Cub uniform, and he drilled more guys (92) than anyone but Clark Griffith and Kerry Wood.

Carlos is one of the best hitting pitchers in MLB history, and has more career home runs than Ryan Theriot, Juan Pierre, Mike Hampton, and Fergie Jenkins. No matter how volatile and insane Carlos may have been, his starts and his at-bats were must-see baseball.

I’ll never forget Carlos punching Michael Barrett right off the team, and punching the 2007 Cubs into contention. I’ll never forget him showing no remorse when he drilled then-hated Jim Edmonds right between the shoulder blades. I’ll never forget him annihilating a Gatorade cooler. I’ll never forget him flipping out on Todd Walker for playing second base like a total Todd Walker. I’ll never forget the curse of The Stinx. I’ll never forget him helping Ron Stilanovich teach kids to take one for the team. And I’ll never forget him sticking the ball up a whiny bunch of Houston Astros’ asses on that thrilling night in 2008.

Carlos was all sorts of crazy, but he was never malicious. It could never be said that Carlos didn’t care about baseball. If anything, his outbursts came from being too competitive. No one would have been happier than Carlos to see a World Series trophy in Chicago, and no player on the team played with such unbridled joy. His behavior shouldn’t be excused. But nor should it overshadow the outstanding things he did for the Cub organization.

Carlos joins the asylum being assembled in Miami. I hope he pitches well, I hope he finds his qi, and I hope he gets a chance to pitch at Wrigley Field and gets the standing ovation he deserves.

Especially not against the Cubs!

As a Cubs fan, surely you assume that everything that can go wrong for you will go wrong. That’s almost entirely true, and I’m not going to deny that your life is absolutely horrible. However, ponder this. In a world where Murphy’s Law ALWAYS applies to the dopes in Murphy’s Bleachers, Xavier Nady would have been a Cardinal. He was originally drafted by St. Louis on June 3, 1997, but didn’t sign, electing instead to play college ball at the University of California.

Nady eventually signed with the San Diego Padres after they took him in the second round of the 2000 draft. The Luis Montanez, Bobby Hill, Todd Wellemeyer draft, that is.

Nady got his first trip to the Majors almost immediately. He signed his first contract on September 17, 2000, and he was in a Padres uniform on September 30, 2000. Bespectacled ‘roider Eric Gagne started for the Dodgers at Qualcomm Stadium with eventual Cubs Tom Goodwin, Mark Grudzielanek, Eric Karros, and Todd Hundley in the lineup. Another eventual Cub, Matt Clement, pitched for the Padres and gave up a grand slam to…Todd Hundley. That has to be a typo. Other notable Cubs involved in this shitheap of a game: Dave Hansen, Damian Jackson, Phil Nevin, John Mabry, and Will Cunnane. Nady pinch hit for Todd Erdos in the bottom of the 7th with the Padres trailing 10-1 and lined a 2-2 pitch into center field for his first MLB base hit.

Nady spent the next two seasons back down in the minors and rewarded the Padres for their patience by hitting 49 home runs and driving in 180 RBIs in 267 games. That was a good enough performance to get him 404 plate appearances in the 2003 season with the Padres. It was then that Nady made his first appearance against the Cubs. On April 22, 2003, the Padres sent Brian Lawrence to the mound at Wrigley Field against Carlos Zambrano. Nady got the start in right field and batted seventh. Unfortunately for Xavier, this was when Carlos Zambrano was still “Big Z.” He mowed through the Padres’ offense, giving up only two earned runs in six innings. Nady went 0-4 on the day, and the Padres lost 7-2.

That would be the only game the Cubs won against Nady in that series. Despite giving up only four runs to San Diego in their next two games, the Cubs lost them both by scores of 2-0 and 2-1.

Nady suffered through an injury-plagued 2004 season, but by 2005 he was up to his old tricks against the Cubs. In Nady’s first game back against the Northsiders, the Padres won a 1-0 game against the Cubs at Wrigley Field. Ryan Dempster gave up only one unearned run and four hits, and struck out seven Padres in six innings, but he got the loss, which is, of course, hilarious.

At the end of the 2005 season, after four seasons in San Diego, Nady was traded to the New York Mets for Mike Cameron. The Mets, being who they are, traded Nady at the 2006 non-waiver trade deadline to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez. Nady had his best years in Pittsburgh, putting up a .301/.353/.482 slash line in 269 games, and driving in 57 runs in his first 89 games of the 2008 season. That, of course, drew the attention of the New York Yankees. They acquired Nady along with Damaso Marte in exchange for Jeff Karstens, Daniel McCutchen, Ross Ohlendorf, and Jose Tabata on July 26, 2008.

Nady drove in 40 runs in only 59 games for the Yankees in the second half of 2008, but he played only seven games for them in 2009, so he was granted his free agency. He signed with the Cubs for a very forgettable 2010 season, then signed with the Arizona Diamonbacks last year, appearing in 82 games.

Throughout the course of Nady’s ten-year career, he has compiled a .275/.328/.438 slash line with 97 home runs and 393 RBIs. Positively underwhelming when compared to what Nady was SUPPOSED to do in the MLB. What he was supposed to do was put up the numbers he had against the Cubs. In 190 plate appearances against Cub pitching, Nady batted .304, with a .358 OBP and a .474 slugging percentage. If it weren’t for Nady’s awful 2008 against the Cubs, when he managed only a .544 OPS in 51 plate appearances, his career OPS against the Cubs WAS, as a younger Kermit described it, “absurd.” In the three seasons prior to 2008, Nady posted OPSes of 1.158, .941, and .918. In 2005, Nady SLUGGED .737 against the Cubs. That’s less than 30 points shy of his career OPS.

Nady’s 52 hits against the Cubs are second only to the 63 he has against the Cincinnati Reds. He has hit more doubles (14) against the Cubs than he has against any other team. He has drawn 13 walks off of Cub pitching, behind only the 17 he’s drawn against the Colorado Rockies.

So, yeah. I stand behind my four-and-a-half-year-old assertion that Xavier Nady is a Cub killer.

Why You Should Hate Him: Nady may or may not have been the catalyst that caused (1) Carlos Zambrano to lose his mind and punch Michael Barrett in the face, (2) Lou Piniella to abruptly retire and subject us to a year and a month of the horrifying visage of Mike Quade, and (3) Ted Lilly to slam his glove on the mound in disgust during the 2007 NLDS. On May 8, 2007, the Pirates were at Wrigley Field to take on Lilly and the Cubs. Lilly sailed through the first seven innings, allowing only two runs on seven hits. Nady, however, was seeing Lilly well. He singled in his first two at-bats off Lilly and scored a run, yet the Cubs led the Pirates 3-2 entering the 9th. That son of a bitch Ryan Dempster, who I honestly forgot was a closer as recently as 2007, came on in the 9th to protect the Cubs’ lead. After retiring Jose Bautista, Dempster walked Nate McLouth, served up a base hit to Ryan Doumit, then gave up an 0-2 sacrifice fly to Jack Wilson that tied the game. The game went into extra innings, giving Nady a chance to collect a walk and two more hits, including a leadoff double in the 12th off gelatinous blob, Scott Eyre. The Pirates hung in until Dusty Baker had no choice but to put Neal Cotts in for the top of the 15th. Cotts loaded up the bases with two outs before allowing yet another Jack Wilson sacrifice fly to give the Pirates a 4-3 lead. Nady finished the game 4-6 with a walk and a run scored, and the Pirates won 4-3. I have no direct proof, but I have a bulletin board in my bedroom that STRONGLY suggest that this game led to a series of events that caused Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella, and Ted Lilly to all LOSE THEIR MINDS.

Did You Know? In researching Xavier Nady’s entry, I noticed two things. The number one “similar batter” to Nady according to Baseball-Reference is none other than former Cub / beer league softball player Ron Coomer. But the number TWO comparable batter is a former Cardinal outfielder named RIP REPULSKI. And he’s ugly, to boot! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS? I am currently taking submissions for how I can include some sort of Rip Repulski segment into HJE.

I'm back, bitches!

Neifi Perez’s professional baseball career began in 1992, when the newly-formed and Don-Baylor-coached Colorado Rockies drafted him as a free agent out of the Dominican Republic. At the time, the Rockies thought Neifi was a fantastically-talented 18-year-old. They would later learn that he was a terrible, lying 20-year-old.

Though Neifi could hit for neither power nor average, he steadfastly refused to draw walks in the minor leagues, posting OBPs of .306, .284, and .294 in his first three seasons and striking out 179 times against only 75 walks. However, in 1996 while in AAA Colorado Springs, Neifi’s slash line spiked to .316/.337/.444. That line earned him a 1996 cup of coffee, and he debuted on August 31, 1996, against the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium. Neifi led off and played second base, since Colorado was still committed to Walt Weiss at shortstop. Neifi went 0-4 with a strikeout, and he even grounded into a double play for good measure as the Rockies lost 2-1.

Neifi’s first two games against the Cubs both came on July 19, 1997, when the Rockies were visiting Wrigley Field for a good old-fashioned double header. In the first game, Neifi went 0-4 with a strikeout as Steve Trachsel and the Cubs blanked the Rockies 7-0. Game two is when Neifi started hitting his way up the T79. He went 1-3 with an unheard-of two walks in the nightcap, though the Rockies still lost 6-5. To give you some idea of just HOW tough it is to walk Neifi, only 18 times in his 1403 games as a Major Leaguer did he draw multiple walks in a game. Seventeen of those times were two-walk performances, with one three-walk anomaly in the mix.

Back in AAA at the start of the 1997 season, Neifi hit .363/.393/.541, and the Rockies called him up for good. Dammit. Neifi slowly squeezed out Weiss and by the 1998 season, he was Colorado’s starting shortstop, playing in all 162 games. This would become important for Cubs fans in game 162.

At the end of the 1998 season, the Cubs were battling with the New York Mets and the San Francisco Giants to win the National League Wild Card. On the final day of the season, the Giants were in Colorado, needing a victory to clinch the Wild Card. The game was tied 8-8 in the bottom of the ninth inning when Dusty Baker went to his lights-out closer, Rob Nen. Neifi had hit only eight home runs the entire season, yet he crushed the second pitch he saw from Nen deep into the right field seats to give the Rockies a walkoff win. The Giants’ loss gave them an 89-73 record on the season, tied with the Cubs. More importantly, because of the old idiotic, archaic, Selig-esque “coin flip” rules, the loss forced a one-game playoff the next day at Wrigley Field, which the Cubs won, 5-3. AND THEN THEY WENT ON AND SWEPT THE BRAVES, AND THE PADRES, AND THE YANKEES, AND THEY WON THE WORLD SERIES! LA LA LA LA LA!

Neifi’s heroic role in Cub lore would not last long.

Neifi played for six seasons in Colorado before he was traded to the Kansas City Royals at the 2001 trade deadline for Jermaine Dye. Straight up. Wow. After the 2002 season, Neifi was picked up by the Giants, and he spent the 2003 season in San Francisco. If you recall the disastrous 2004 season, you’ll recall that the Cubs traded for Nomar Garciaparra at the trade deadline AND WON YET ANOTHER WORLD SERIES LA LA LA LA LA! The fact that Nomar’s body was made entirely of crystal caused Jim Hendry to sign Neifi as a backup plan in August of 2004. I guess the move “paid off,” since during the 2005 season, Nomar’s groin exploded off of his body and rolled around in the St. Louis dirt for several minutes before it was eaten by a squirrel.

Nomar’s injury gave Cubs manager Dusty Baker what he really wanted: an excuse to play “his guy” Neifi in ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-FOUR GAMES during the 2005 season. Baker then famously said one of the most idiotic things anyone has ever said. When Nomar was ready to come off the disabled list, Baker uttered, “We’ll have to see how Nomar is doing. Neifi says he realized when he came here that he came here as a utility guy. But he hasn’t remained a utility guy with what he has done. I hear a lot of people say, `Hey, put (Ronny) Cedeno in.’ What am I supposed to do, push Neifi out now? This guy has saved us.” Neifi “saved” the Cubs’ 79-83 season with an atrocious .274/.298/.383 line.

Sure enough, Baker DID eventually put Ronny Cedeno in during the 2006 season, and Neifi was traded to the Detroit Tigers for Chris Robinson. After a Neifi-esque year and a half in Detroit, when he hit .186/.228/.240, Neifi was finally, mercifully out of baseball.

Neifi had 202 plate appearances against the Cubs over the course of seven seasons, compiling a staggering .307/.357/.497 line. Incredibly, the wild-swinging Neifi struck out only 17 times while drawing 14 walks against the Cubs, a far cry from his career .459 BB/K ratio.

Neifi’s seven home runs against the Cubs are more than he’s hit against anyone except the Pirates (8), and he did it in 74 fewer at-bats. His .307 batting average and .357 OBP are behind only his numbers against Colorado and the Oakland Athletics. His .497 slugging percentage trails only the damage he’s done against the Kansas City Royals (in only 12 at-bats) and the Rockies.

Either Neifi REALLY hates his former teams, or he’s one hell of a Cub killer. Whether he’s in blue pinstripes or not.

Why You Should Hate Him: May 20, 2004. The 2004 season was an absolute joy to watch from Opening Day through the Kent Mercker-Steve Stone bitch-fest, all the way until the dust settled over the unfiltered agony of September. So it was really no surprise when Neifi, who hit only two home runs for the Giants that season, lofted a tenth-inning, two-out, two-run homer off of Joe Borowski to break a 3-3 tie and give the Giants a lead that they would hold. No, wait. All of that is EXACTLY surprising.

Did You Know? If you’re reading this site, you probably already know that Rubby Perez is Neifi’s brother. But if you didn’t know that, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Does anyone have a fiddle?

This week’s Muskbox was written prior to the Ramirez signing, so there’s nothing about that in there. I just had to bring it up, because I’m really going to miss Aramis.

With a surplus at first base for the Angels now that Albert Pujols has signed, what are the chances the Cubs could go after Kendrys Morales?
– Stephen H., Cedar Falls, Iowa

“The guy who didn’t even have the balls to correct MLB on the spelling of his name? NO THANKS! Bad character guy.”
-Steve Rosenbloom

CARRIE: Even though they added Pujols, Angels general manager Jerry Dipoto said last week they will find a place for Morales as well as Mark Trumbo.

HITTERS GONNA HIT.

CARRIE: Morales, 28, has not played since breaking his left ankle celebrating a walk-off grand slam on May 29, 2010. The Angels were expected to offer him arbitration on Monday.

CELEBRATERS GONNA BREAK.

Where do the Cubs stand on bringing back Carlos Pena? He is much cheaper than the other options and did everything asked of him.

JIM HENDRY: Can you try not to hit a home run until May?
CARLOS PENA: DONE.

CARRIE: Plus, he is a team player, he is well worth say three years, $30 million to fill in at first while we restructure the system and team.
– Aaron S., Des Moines, Iowa

He’s a “team player” and a “clubhouse leader” who “plays the game the right way!”

CARRIE: You convinced me until your offer.

In fact, I don’t think you have the authority to be throwing around offers AT ALL!

CARRIE: The Cubs would welcome Pena back but only for a one-year deal. Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer have both stressed they want to pay for future performance, not past. Pena has hit at least 28 homers in each of the last five years…

Another way of saying that is, “Pena has hit fewer home runs in the last two seasons than he has since 2006, when he played only 18 games.”

CARRIE: …but his batting average and on-base percentage numbers have dropped each year (yes, they did go up slightly last season, but the trend has been down). He also hit .216 with runners on, .175 with runners in scoring position in 2011. Pena is a good defensive player, but he’ll likely only be back if he is willing to accept a one-year contract.

That’ll show those Marlins!

The Cubs are rebuilding, but why not take a chance with Prince Fielder? We need a first baseman. Any reason why we shouldn’t take the chance on a great young player besides the potential huge contract?
– Karen B., Jacksonville, Ill.

If they’re going to drop the money that Prince Fielder is going to get, he’d better damn well play better than “a chance.”

CARRIE: That potential huge contract is the No. 1 reason the Cubs would take a pass.

If Fielder was, say, FREE, the Cubs would be interested.

CARRIE: Epstein met with Bryan LaHair in Dallas last week during the Winter Meetings. The Cubs could have used LaHair’s 38-homer season in Chicago.

LaHair is a year and a half younger than Prince Fielder, and has 227 fewer MLB home runs. So, yeah. I GUESS I’d like to see LaHair at first next year.

CARRIE: “We’re not giving [LaHair] the job, and I’m not saying we’re not looking to upgrade at first base,” Epstein said last week. “If it ends up with [LaHair] playing a significant role or getting a significant opportunity, I think we’d all be comfortable with that.”

“Hey, at least it’s not Tyler Colvin.”

Are the Cubs interested in making a change with their closer? They could bring in a new pitcher to close games and move Carlos Marmol back to being the setup man.
– Chris L., Des Moines, Iowa

I really, REALLY wish they’d traded Marmol in 2009. But that’s refreshing that we’re actually worrying about a reliable closer being a factor in 2012.

CARRIE: If the Cubs had a closer-in-waiting, that might be an option. Right now, it’s Marmol’s job. Let’s see if new pitching coach Chris Bosio can straighten out Marmol’s mechanics.

And if not, at least it will be exciting seeing how many dudes Carlos drills.

Rather than trade Marlon Byrd, who appears to be a great teammate and mentor to young players, could he be moved to left field? This would allow Brett Jackson to patrol center, David DeJesus in right and have Alfonso Soriano as either the fourth outfielder, or, better yet, a DH on another team.
– Scott P., Amherst, N.H.

That’s an expensive fourth outfielder. Also, Jim Hendry has left this roster an absolute disaster.

CARRIE: In his Byrd’s Nest blog post (“Passing the torch,” Sept. 7), Byrd said he’d be willing to move if Jackson was ready for the big leagues. Jackson also has played the corner outfield spots. The Cubs won’t know if Jackson is ready, though, until Spring Training.

Byrd is going to set up a pitching machine and rocket fastballs at Jackson’s face until he’s BIG-LEAGUE READY.

I hope he meant it when he said his jersey retirement was HIS Hall of Fame.

Whatever your opinion was of Santo as a person and a broadcaster, his exclusion from the Hall of Fame could have been driven by nothing more than spite. Because everyone knows the Hall of Fame should only allow in likable players, like Babe Ruth, Cap Anson, and Ty Cobb! Santo has deserved a plaque in Cooperstown for thirty years. I hope the hateful morons who deprived Santo of delivering what I can only imagine would have been a joyous acceptance speech are happy that no one will ever get to hear it.

Congratulations to the Santo family. I’m so sorry that Ron isn’t around to see this.

OHHHHH, BABY!

Smug know-nothing idiots like Todd Hollandsworth are probably happy that Aramis is gone, because for whatever reason, it became fashionable to call Aramis lazy. But Todd Hollandsworth is a useless fucking turd. Aramis played his ass off in Chicago. He played hurt, he played with absolutely no talent around him, and he played for laughably bad managers with hardly a complaint. I’m going to miss Aramis Ramirez, especially when it takes another thirty years to fill the hole he’ll leave at third base. Good luck, Aramis. I only wish you could have stuck around long enough for a World Series title.

I'll always remember you as a Dodger.

The heartbreaking tale of Greg Maddux begins on June 4, 1984, when the Cubs were lucky enough to snap Maddux up with the third pick of the second round of the draft. Later in that round, the Atlanta Braves took his longtime rotation mate, Tom Glavine. Maddux signed with the Cubs two weeks later, and was assigned to the Pikeville Cubs.

If you’re enough of a Cubs fan that you realize “Hire Jim Essian” is a Cubs blog, certainly you’ve seen Greg Maddux pitch at least a handful of times throughout his 23-year career. You’ve seen batters look impossibly lost at the plate against Maddux. You’ve heard stories of how Maddux set up Jeff Bagwell for a specific pitch MONTHS in advance. Now, imagine, for a moment, Greg Maddux facing 18-year-old hitters. Maddux must have cut a swath of broken bats, hearts, and dreams through the Appalachian League. His first year of professional baseball was his wildest year ever, as he walked 41 hitters while only striking out 62 in 85 2/3 innings. I suspect this was a long con by Maddux. As an 18-year-old boy, he was already baiting the MLB into allowing him to throw oh so many knee-buckling first-pitch strikes.

Maddux worked his way quickly through the Cubs’ minor league system, compiling a 36-15 record and a 2.86 ERA. While he showed uncharacteristic “wildness,” he allowed only 16 home runs in an astonishing 491 1/3 innings.

Maddux got his first cup of coffee on September 2, 1986. Nolan Ryan took on Jamie Moyer in an 18-inning game at Wrigley Field which saw 17 different pitchers take the mound. Maddux was the last of those pitchers. In the top of the 18th, Maddux surrendered a solo home run to Billy Hatcher. The 8-7 loss was pinned on Maddux, but his masterful MLB career was off and running.

Maddux began the 1987 season back in AAA, but four starts with the Iowa Cubs at the beginning of the 1987 season, during which he went 3-0 with an 0.98 ERA were enough for the Cubs to call him up permanently. Oh, and he also threw two complete games. Maddux was inserted into the 1987 rotation. In 27 starts, Maddux went 6-14 with a 5.61 ERA. And so, the long con continued, as that would be the worst season of Maddux’s career.

In 1988, Maddux rewarded the Cubs for keeping him in the rotation. As a 22-year-old, he won 18 games and compiled a 3.18 ERA. He also tossed three shutouts and threw nine complete games in 34 starts. Maddux was selected for the 1988 All-Star Game at Riverfront Stadium, but didn’t get a chance to pitch for the NL All-Stars’ in a 2-1 loss.

Maddux won the following number of games over the next four years with the Cubs: 19, 15, 15, 20. That last, combined with his 2.18 ERA in 1992, won him his first Cy Young Award and his second All-Star nomination. However, Maddux’s free agency was looming after the 1992 season. Unfortunately for the Cubs, (1) general manager Larry Himes was a fucking idiot, and (2) Scott Boras was Maddux’s agent. Instead of figuring out how to keep his best pitcher with the team, Himes accused Boras of shady dealing and instead pursued Jose Guzman, Dan Plesac, and Candy Maldonado. Maddux signed an absurdly low 5-year, $28M deal with the Atlanta Braves. And the heads of Cubs fans everywhere EXPLODED WITH RAGE. In 1993, Guzman and Plesac went a combined 14-11 with the Cubs. Maddux went 20-10 with Atlanta.

If that wasn’t infuriating enough, Maddux’s very first start in a Braves uniform was on Opening Day, April 5, 1993. At Wrigley Field. Maddux threw 8 1/3 innings of shutout baseball before turning the game over to Mike Stanton, who held on for the save in a 1-0 Braves win. Mike Morgan was the tough-luck loser for the Cubs. Because in life, when you’re Mike Morgan, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

Maddux pitched for 11 years with the Atlanta Braves, and I think you know the story. But here it is in its painful rehashed glory. He went 194-88 with a 2.63 ERA with the Braves. He averaged a ridiculous 18 wins, 230 innings pitched, 166 strikeouts, and a crazy 35 walks. He won the Cy Young Award in each of his first three years with the Braves, he made six All-Star Games, and he won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves with the Braves (13 consecutive if you count the three he won with the Cubs). Looking at Maddux’s numbers breaks my heart. He had consecutive ERAs in 1994 and 1995 of 1.56 and 1.63. His ERA+ for those years was an absurd 271 and 262, respectively.

In an emotional press conference, Maddux agreed to return to the Cubs after the 2004 season. Maddux must have been tired of his 16 straight seasons with 15 or more wins. After winning 16 games with the 2004 Cubs, a stretch which including his 300th career win, Maddux went a disappointing 13-15 in 2005. At the trade deadline in 2006, Professor Maddux had the wisdom to trade himself to the Los Angeles Dodgers for Cesar Izturis. In his first game with the Dodgers, Maddux threw six innings of shutout baseball against the Cincinnati Reds. And Cubs fans sighed. Maddux finished up the 2006 season strong, going 6-3 with a 3.30 ERA with the Dodgers.

After the 2006 season, Maddux signed with the San Diego Padres, who then swapped him back to the Dodgers as a waiver deal during the 2008 season. Maddux retired after the 2008 season, and left one hell of an MLB career. In 740 career starts, Maddux went 355-227 with 3,371 strikeouts, a 3.16 ERA, and a 1.143 WHIP. He’s one of the last 300-game winners the game will ever see, and he carried himself professionally as a pitcher, hitter, and fielder, collecting 18 Gold Gloves along the way. But he was even better against the Cubs.

In 24 starts against his former team, Maddux went 12-4 with a 2.65 ERA and a 0.961 WHIP. In 169 2/3 innings versus the Cubs, Maddux walked only 18 batters while striking out 117. He threw three complete games against the Cubs, including one shutout. Oh, and in three postseason appearances versus the Cubs, Maddux has given up only four runs in 14 innings.

The Cubs wisely hired Maddux as assistant to general manager Jim Hendry prior to the 2010 season. The Cubs figured it was the only way Maddux could stop killing them. It remains to be seen if Maddux will stick around after Hendry’s long-overdue departure. If he does, however, I’m sure the Cardinals will hire him as G.M./pitching coach/fifth starter, and he will lead them to 10 straight World Series titles.

Why You Should Hate Him: If my love letter to Greg above wasn’t obvious enough, it’s impossible to hate Greg Maddux. You can only hate the Cubs for depriving you of 11 seasons of watching him win in blue pinstripes. But certainly this game fills you with rage. After watching the ginger clown that is Ryan Dempster walk 80 Dodgers in Game 1 of the 2008 NLDS, maybe you’d already turned off the television for the bottom of the 9th inning. If you didn’t, though, you would have seen a 43-year-old Maddux take the mound for the Dodgers. With the Dodgers leading 7-2, Maddux retired Mark DeRosa, Daryle Ward, and Alfonso Soriano to seal the Dodger victory. He allowed only a weak (weren’t they all?) single to Ryan Theriot. It took Maddux only 13 pitches (10 strikes) to get through what would be his last inning pitched at Wrigley Field. It should have been as a Cub, Greg. Also, Dempster fucking sucks. Please let him go if you decide to stick around.

Did You Know? Maddux always had a deep respect for the game. Enough so to name his kids Amanda “Paige” and “Satchel” Chase Maddux. Now I feel sort of bad that I named one of my dogs Maddux.

Also, there’s no way I would fail to post this.

I fucking love Greg Maddux.

INVISIBLE CAR DRIVING ME TO THE "RIGHT" SIDE OF THE RIVALRY!

The Cubs created the awfulness of Ryan Theriot’s professional baseball career when they drafted him in the third round of the draft on June 5, 2001. He signed with the Cubs on July 25, 2001, and was assigned to the Daytona Cubs. Despite never posting an OPS higher than .755 in six minor-league seasons, Theriot “earned” a call-up in 2005 when the Cubs expanded their rosters.

Theriot made his MLB debut on September 13, 2005, when the Cincinnati Reds came to Wrigley Field to face Carlos Zambrano and the fourth-place Cubs. Theriot pinch hit for Cub pitcher Michael Wuertz in the 10th inning of a 3-3 tie. With two men on and no outs, Theriot struck out looking at a 3-2 strike. Two batters later, Todd Walker came through for the Cubs with a walkoff single. But the damage was done. Theriot’s Cub-killing career was already underway.

In limited work during the 2006 season, Theriot compiled an excellent .328/.412/.522 line, and Cubs fans were clamoring for Dusty Baker to play the little Cajun shit over the incompetent Neifi Perez/Ronny Cedeno combination. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, CUBS FANS.

By 2007, Dusty Baker and his toy, Neifi Perez, were both gone. Poor masochist Lou Piniella had little choice but to install Theriot at shortstop. Lou was rewarded to the tune of a .266/.326/.346 line. By the end of the 2009 season, Cubs fans were tired of Theriot’s awful baserunning, anemic bat, horrible arm, limited range, and penchant for shoving his stupid mouth in front of every microphone made available to him. Waiting in the wings was Cub prospect Starlin Castro. When the young shortstop was called up to the MLB team, Theriot bitched and moaned that he was being shifted to second base. Pity the absolute twat that is Ryan Theriot. After all, he was the first person to suffer the misfortune of playing ahead of an actual, legitimate Cub position prospect since Leon Durham.

After parts of six seasons with the Cubs, Jim Hendry Greg Maddux traded Theriot as a throw-in to the Ted Lilly trade to the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers saw enough of Theriot after only 54 games. After the 2010 season, they traded Theriot to the St. Louis Cardinals in exchange for Blake Hawksworth. Cubs fans found the move hilarious. Cardinals fans found a ticket stub from NASCAR in their jorts.

After the trade, Theriot said the only intelligent thing he’s ever said. The Cajun wonder claimed he was on the “right” side of the Cubs-Cardinals rivalry. Everyone in Chicago agreed with him.

Theriot finally made his debut against the Cubs on May 10, 2011. The Cardinals were in Wrigley Field, and Theriot was hilariously leading off and playing shortstop. After scoring 2 runs in the top of the 8th inning, Tony LaRussa’s Cardinals beat the Cubs 6-4. Theriot was 0-4 with a sacrifice fly and a strike out. Holding Theriot hitless would prove difficult for the Cubs. Theriot has hit safely in 7 of his 10 career games versus the Cubs. During that time, he has compiled a .361/.385/.556 line. He has 7 doubles, 9 RBIs, and 20 total bases when facing his former team. He’s managed to score 7 runs, despite the fact that his only stolen base attempt was as typically ill-advised as all of them generally are.

Shit, maybe he IS on the right side of the rivalry.

Why You Should Hate Him: June 5, 2011. Carlos Zambrano was facing the Cardinals at Busch Stadium. Despite pitching brilliantly and allowing only 1 run in 7 innings, the Cubs found themselves clinging to a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the 9th inning. Carlos Marmol gave up a leadoff base hit, but retired the next two Cardinals swinging. Then, Theriot came up. He lined a 2-2 pitch deep down the left field line to drive in the tying run. That gave Albert Pujols the opportunity lead off the bottom of the 10th inning against Rodrigo Lopez. In a move seen by everyone but Mike Quade, Pujols promptly hit a walkoff home run to give the Cardinals a 3-2 win.

Did You Know? Ryan Theriot went to Louisiana State University with former Cub teammate Mike Fontenot. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT LITTLE FACTOID???

Happy Me-Signing Day!

If you were looking for an excuse to get drunk on a Monday night, well, you still have about an hour and a half to tip a few in honor of Skip.