Hire Jim Essian

When I was growing up, baseball was my love. I couldn't wait for summer, when my "baseball friends" would replace my "school friends" and we'd sweat out long, hot Chicago afternoons in our Riverside Yankees uniforms, taking on the surrounding towns like LaGrange Park, Brookfield, Berwyn, and our arch-rivals from South Cicero. We'd take our place in our third-base dugout, not because the Cubs did it, but because the first-base dugout backed up against the forest preserve, which backed up against the Brookfield Zoo, which made it a paradise for swarms of mosquitoes. Our dugouts had no roofs. They weren't dug out of anything. They were, more or less (usually less), an aluminum bench that got blisteringly hot in the sun.

Growing up as a pure left-handed baseball player, my options on the field were limited. I was primarily a first baseman, though I did have my fair share of opportunities in the outfield and one ill-advised stint behind home plate (Why do they even SELL left-handed catcher's mitts?). I've come to accept the fact that there are really only five positions on a baseball diamond for left-handers. The latest Muskbox has not yet accepted the same fact. Even more amazingly, someone finally asks a good question, and it's followed up with NO ANSWER. Muskbox, away!

A lot of the things I was hoping would happen during the 2012 season are happening. Marlon Byrd is gone. Ryan Dempster is pitching his way right off the Cubs. Starlin Castro is proving that he's just going to keep hitting. Darwin Barney is way less annoying this year. Pat Hughes got to honor Ron Santo by yelling, "Back to back jacks!" last night. Dale Sveum hasn't done anything overtly stupid so far.

Despite appearances, I'm not letting HJE die a slow death. In fact, I'm working on another facelift for the old girl, which will probably take longer than the T79. Also, there may be a return of a beloved feature on the horizon. No, not the Shoutbox. I haven't gotten around to that yet. In this latest episode of Muskbox, the fans lament Bryan LaHair's lack of at-bats (DAFUQ?) and wonder what might have been for the Peoria Chiefs if Albert Pujols were still playing there. Yup.

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

The worst part about the offseason is having to waste time talking about Cubs players who aren't actually a part of the team. Players like, oh, say, Tony Campana, Hayden Simpson, and Brett Jackson. Now that the 2012 season is in full swing, and we have actual, meaningful baseball to discuss, GUESS WHO THIS WEEK'S MUSKBOX WANTS TO DISCUSS???

The always-informative Muskbox is back after a busy end to Spring Training. Since Carrie hasn't had to write up many Cub wins so far, she's been busily answering your most probing questions. You're about to get probed by the Muskbox. MIND PROBED.

For all of the things I hate about baseball, I love this morning. Just hours away from the first pitch of the 2012 season (SPOILERS: it's going to be a ball; get bent, Dempster), everyone except the Mariners, A's, Cardinals, and Marlins has a clean slate. Dan Patrick is pregnantly pausing all over Comcast SportsNet instead of pre-game coverage. MLB Network is showing Intentional Talk. If you weren't aware of just how terrible that show actually is, they have a segment called "GOT HEEEEEEEEM!" I'm climbing walls.

If you have DirecTV, you might have already noticed: a pissing match between the CEOs of DirecTV and Tribune Broadcasting has escalated so that all Tribune Broadcasting stations, including WGN-TV and WGN America, have been pulled from DirecTV. For suckers like me, all it meant was a trip to Best Buy to purchase an HD antenna. For many others, it will just mean not being able to watch the Cubs when they open at home Thursday against Washington.

With "Play Ball!" Day rapidly approaching, fluff pieces about bunting tournaments and Alfonso Soriano leading off are giving way to real news. Like Ryan Dempster getting another Opening Day start despite Matt Garza being a far better pitcher, comedian, and human being.