Hire Jim Essian

The search has begun for a new official WGN Radio Cubs song. I want to win. WGN has had nothing but terrible songs assailing your eardrums since the 1998 season. I can write some lyrics, but I have never composed a tune, can barely play a guitar, and my singing experience doesn't go far beyond a stirring karaoke rendition of Runaround Sue. If you're a tune writer who can't write lyrics, and you know a singer who has nothing to sing, let's get together and destroy the competition. I'm serious.

If you're interested in all things Geovany Soto, Brett Jackson, and Adrian Cardenas, well, this week's Muskbox is right up your alley! Also, if you're still hankering for chat about Koyie Hill, you're absolutely mental. But Carrie has answers to all the questions that you were frightened to ask. Except for questions about sex. Those questions are sick and wrong, and you're getting a little old for them, quite frankly.

The offseason is a time of hope, joy, and positive feelings about your team, no matter how bad they were the previous season. This week's Muskbox echoes that sentiment with happy thoughts of Anthony Rizzo, Paul Maholm, and Derrek Lee! Because the Muskbox is where dreams go TO DIE. Sorry it's not dumber, but people want to know what direction the team is headed for 2012. No answers are forthcoming. SPOILERS.

If you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, and you know some Cubs fans, and you HATE them more than anyone who lives on this earth, then the Cubs have just the thing for you! This Friday at 10:00 a.m., the Cubs are offering four-game "Holiday Packs." As has become a bit of a tradition around here, let's take a look at your options!

It looks as though of all the potential 2012 managers, the Cubs are going to choose the least-whelming. Rumor has it that Dale Sveum was offered the job. However, if your only source of information was the Twitter feed of Chicago's own baseball guru Phil Rogers, you would be SUPER-CONFUSED about that. And you'd probably have some serious existential questions about what sort of world you live in where your only source of information is Phil Rogers' Twitter feed.

"There's no way Carlos Zambrano will ever play in a Cubs uniform again." That was the conclusion that basically everyone who writes about the Cubs either professionally or for "fun" came to after Jim Hendry put Carlos on the disqualified list. But leave it to Theo Epstein to think for himself and form opinions of his own instead of relying on the advice of fucking idiots.

One of the best Cubs of the past decade is apparently now an ex-Cub. (HT: level5) If you were at a Friday afternoon game at Wrigley Field in the past five years, you had about a 50/50 chance of seeing Aramis Ramirez hit a walkoff home run (usually against the Milwaukee Brewers). In his eight and a half seasons in Chicago, Aramis made himself a good defensive third baseman, and he was the most (and sometimes ONLY) professional hitter on the team for a long stretch of time.

I'm pretty confident that Theo Epstein is going to make the right choice for the next manager to lead the Cubs. But that's no reason you fine readers of the Friday Night Fukudome can't help him make the right choice. Because we know everything! So, who you got?

One of my favorite parts of the Muskbox is the teaser question that introduces the article. They are rarely actual sentences, and they can almost always be answered with one word. That word is usually “nope.” This week’s teaser is no exception. “Loyalty a factor in manager search?” “Nope.” To elaborate on that, the Cubs no longer have an idiot running the baseball operations. This week’s Muskbox tackles that controversial question and more! Let the dumbening begin!

Considering that everyone has been talking about Mike Quade's replacement since the hiring of Theo Epstein, it was really no surprise that today the Cubs announced that the bald incompetent won't be back next season. (HT: Pre) Quade did more than enough goofy, nigh-indefensible things this season to merit his dismissal, and his reign as Cubs manager was ... Read More