Hire Jim Essian

So it was prophesied that in the fourth month of the 2011th year, there would be much wailing, renting of garments, and gnashing of teeth of the loss of the tiny little soul of Sam Fuld. Is there any doubt that the same people crying that Sam Fuld is no longer in Chicago would be the same people complaining ... Read More

If there's one terrible thing about having to watch Comcast Sports Net and WGN to see Cubs games, it's the fact that the Cubs share TV time with the White Sox. Therefore, every time they run a TV promo of two of the most exciting moments in recent (2005 DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN) White Sox history, I have no choice ... Read More

At the beginning of this week's Muskbox, Carrie points out that the 'Box has been on hiatus for a while. Now, I'm a man whose website, at this point, basically exists solely to mock the Muskbox, and this hiatus was news to me. Also news to me is that Angel Guzman's mortality status is currently: STILL ALIVE. ... Read More

I haven't intentionally read a Steve Rosenbloom article ever. But after inadvertently reading the lede of his latest succinctly-titled article, "Losing to the Pirates shows how much better the Cubs pitching needs to be," I couldn't resist. I didn�t expect the Cubs to win 90 games this season, but I sure didn�t expect them to blow a series to the ... Read More

Prepare for a glimpse into the writing of the Muskbox. When a new Muskbox crosses my feed reader, I excitedly open it and immediately cut-and-paste the content of the Muskbox into a new draft post. I don't like to read ahead, because I like my reactions to be like YOUR reactions when you read this nonsense. So, ... Read More

Though Mike D. was rooting for Dave Otto to replace Ron Santo alongside Pat Hughes in the booth, my hat was in Keith Moreland's corner from the beginning. So...suck it, Mike? Really, though, the Cubs couldn't have gone wrong (shockingly) with either Otto or Moreland. I'm just glad that I don't have to listen to Otto say ... Read More

Let it never again be said that the Muskbox doesn't hold the Cubs accountable. That it's just a bunch of corporate answers to silly questions from simpletons who will purchase tickets no matter how stupid the package, and no matter how bad the team. Why, just this week in the Muskbox, Rudolpho Jaramillo is taken to task by ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More

If you were at Friday night's Shitty O'Kea's debauchery, you might have noticed that I spent a fair amount of time chatting with professional ginger, Gordon Wittenmyer. Dolan already recapped a fair amount of Friday's festivities, but I'm pretty sure I experienced a Gordon Wittenmyer that few have seen, and even fewer have openly mocked. After you read Dolan's recap, ... Read More

With all of the blogosphere arguing whether the Matt Garza trade was good or bad, one would assume that this week's Muskbox would at least address Garza in some way. And one would be right. You get a week off from questions regarding the start time of a very specific event in the Cub Convention. Instead, you ... Read More