Christmas came early this year, my friends. Dumb questions about the Cubs have gone unanswered for ages. They’ve been building up in the brains of those people still actually thinking about a 66-96 team in November. Have no fear, simpletons! Carrie has returned from on high with a new picture, new answers, and, inexplicably, two stone tablets! Get ready for a lot of questions about third base which probably could have been combined into one answer, but were NOT!
HJE pater noster TJ forwarded me an email he sent to Phil Rogers after Phil posted this piece of garbage over the weekend and wrote, “With the Pirates’ 20-year losing streak finally over, it’s time to turn our national attention to the Royals, who last went to the playoffs in 1985. Their 28-year streak without a postseason trip is the longest drought in the history of MLB and longer than any in the NFL, NBA or NHL.” Today is Phil’s last day at the Tribune, presumably because of this very article. He’s heading to MLB.com, so I guess I’m NOT going to buy MLB.tv next year. Presumably, OUR GOOD FRIEND Paul Sullivan will get Phil’s gig, which is nice, because Chicago’s national baseball coverage will no longer be hilariously inept. Anyhow, I’ll let TJ speak for himself (and us ALL).
There’s a reason I enjoy swapping lies and drinking beers with Paul Sullivan, yet I had to grit my teeth buying a fucking Dewar’s on the rocks for Gordon Wittenmyer. Whether Sullivan makes you laugh or makes you slam your keyboard in frustration, he’s honest, he’s fair, and unless you’re an angry, combative imbecile, he’s […]
This week’s Muskbox is filled with wonderful Cub fan stereotypes. There’s the fan arguing which bad catcher is less bad. There’s the guy obsessed with speed over all else. There’s a 500-pound monster. It’s not the Muskbox we want. It’s the Muskbox we need.
Memes are dumb, but lord do they make me laugh. The newest one making the rounds is Hipster Joe Buck. Actually, it’s disappointingly not really making the rounds. It popped up after Joe Buck tweeted out a picture of him hanging out with Paul Rudd. Attention, all of you Anchorman defenders out there. Joe Buck is super-excited about Anchorman 2. Reevaluate your lives.
The Muskbox is back just in time for. Well, for whatever. To celebrate Anthony Rizzo’s new (excellent) contract? Nah. To celebrate the return of the podcast? Nope. I’ll just let Carrie explain what we’re celebrating in this week’s Muskbox.
Carrie must be busily soaking up the Arizona sun. She only had time for one question in this week’s Muskbox. I have two words of advice for Carrie. Wear high-SPF sunscreen, and don’t ever go to Japan. There’s only one topic tonight, and it’s Kyuji Fujikawa. Actually, it’s Chris Bosio’s inability to speak Japanese. At least it’s not about which kimono would best fit Bosio’s corpulent form.
The Muskbox takes a brief hiatus this week from worrying about who will be the backup first baseman in 2013 to worry about who will be the backup first baseman in 2020! Progress? As always, Carrie answers all questions with a sense of patience, thoroughness, and professionalism that one just doesn’t see often in this day and age. Oh, also, she talks about Pearl Jam and points out that people from California are Californians. Read more now!
Normally, when the Muskbox suggests moving a player to third base, that player is left-handed, ninety years old, or plays for the Yankees. But the Muskbox is growing wiser in its old age. This week, they chose a young, right-handed player who is actually in the Cubs’ system. Of course, he weighs 350 pounds, so there is still room for improvement. Who is this mystery player? I guess you’ll just have to keep reading to find out!
Don’t forget, men and women, that this Friday is the next annual installment of a bunch of us getting together, getting drunk, and bitching about the Cubs. Will Crane Kenney show his face around Dolan again? Will that cheap bastard GORDON WITTENMYER actually buy ME a drink this year? Will Al Yellon get heckled out of every bar he’s ever set foot into? FIND OUT ON FRIDAY. Details will follow.