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Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

So, some information has been brought to me that is far too hilarious to keep to myself. Let's get the standard disclaimers out of the way. THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. THIS IS BROUGHT TO ME THROUGH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS WHO KNOW PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE ORGANIZATION. I will also point out in advance to Ryan Braun's crack legal team that truth is an ironclad defense against any allegations of libel. And, let's be honest, asking me to take this post down basically proves its truth. It's like when nude photos of a starlet get leaked and they freak out about trying to get them taken down. You're just calling MORE attention to your fantastic ass, Blake Lively.

I sure hope you enjoyed the two full days that you were able to celebrate Ron Santo's begrudging acceptance into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. As of today, it means absolutely nothing. The Baseball Writers' Association of America just awarded Tim McCarver the Ford C. Frick Award for EXCELLENCE IN MAJOR LEAGUE BROADCASTING. That's as ludicrous as Ron Santo getting inducting into the Hall of Fame for excellence in Major League broadcasting.

All you need to know about the MLB's new collective bargaining agreement is here. Finally, the constant interleague games that baseball fans everywhere DEMANDED will be reality. Finally, the Cubs won't be in the biggest division in baseball. Finally, Bud Selig avoided the pesky nuisance of having to occasionally host a thrilling Game 163. But that's all bookkeeping. All you need to know EMOTIONALLY is HERE. I'm pointing at your heart right now. Because the departure of the Houston Astros from the National League Central is the end of some good times. Ten of them, exactly. And here they are.

Sportswriters everywhere have their wet dream story of the day, as Tony "The Genius" La Russa has retired from baseball. (HT: Ned Ryerson) You're bound to see a lot of flowery language about the legacy that La Russa gave to the game. A written love-fest to one of the biggest assholes in the game of baseball. ... Read More

The World Series is finally upon us. There are only 4-7 baseball games left in the 2011 season before you have to accept the reality that is the Chicago Bears. Tonight, Chris Carpenter will take the hill for the St. Louis Cardinals against C.J. Wilson. I'd like to take a moment to send my sincerest wishes for ... Read More

I had the good fortune to see Moneyball last night. While I thoroughly enjoyed not only Brad Pitt's performance as Billy Beane, but also Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, and Stan Chervin's adaptation of a non-fiction book into a full-fledged story, I was depressed throughout the whole movie. The four baseball fans in Oakland are spoiled to have a ... Read More

Throughout the course of his 22 seasons as manager of the Chicago White Sox, Ozzie Guillen was a lot of things to a lot of people. Pariah. Messiah. Leader. Follower. Goat. Venezuelan. Understandable. Misunderstood. Controversial. Christ-like. Winner. Loser. Friend. Roman. Countryman. Healer. Not-stop-believer. ... Read More