Hire Jim Essian

If last week's rant didn't angry you up about Fauxpening Day, this morning Pre pointed out to me that the Oakland A's and Seattle Mariners are both back in Spring Training this week. One week after they played games against one another which counted in their season standings. As if that's not stupid enough, the Mariners are opening up the 2012 season in stateside fashion Friday against...the A's.

Eagle-eyed reader betterorworse originally pointed me to the captioned picture. And then 'Duk gave us some more information about it. "Minor League Guy" is one of the Cardinals' best prospects. Can you imagine the nerve if Comcast Sports Net had DARED called Felix Pie, "Fast Guy Who Grabs His Crotch a Lot"?

Bud Selig is the dumbest commissioner in professional sports. And there are some legitimate nitwits in his company, so it's impressive that Bud is the nitwittiest. Instead of fixing the many things about baseball that need fixing, Bud is content to add a stupid one-game playoff, force interleague play down our throats every day of the season, and move baseball all the way across the planet for Opening Day. I hate Bud Selig, yet I fear that Andy MacPhail will eventually replace him, and I'll hate him even more.

On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

In case you haven't notice, I hate most things. But there are things that I hate far worse than other things, and most of those things have to do with Bud Selig. The expanded playoff system is absolutely one of those things. It won't affect the Cubs at all this year, but I already hate it, and I'll tell you why.

Ryan Braun made an infuriating statement last Thursday after an arbitrator overturned his 50-game drug suspension. The arbitrator upheld Braun's appeal solely because the MLB drug testing rules clearly state that a urine sample must be delivered to a testing facility the same day it was tested. Braun's was delayed three days. That's it. There was no argument that his sample tested didn't test positive for banned substances, yet now Braun is pretending to feel vindicated because the "truth" is on his side. Bullshit. He got away with breaking the rules on a technicality. If there is a player in the Majors who deserves to be heckled next year, it's Braun. He may have avoided a suspension for breaking the rules, but I suspect and hope he won't be able to avoid the deserved barbs when he makes his tour of opposing National League parks this season.

The interwebs are all aflutter about the possibility of the Cubs playing their home games in U.S. Cellular Field throughout the 2013 season. Why? Because the internet is full of lunatics. Despite what Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer say about the 2012 season being a "building" not a "rebuilding," it's a rebuilding. They're not going to be good. Don't get me wrong, I'm likely going to watch more Cubs games this season than I have in the past two seasons combined. I'm excited to watch a team that's been so drastically revamped. I'm loving this offseason, so I'll say it right now. The only thing that would make Theo's first season in Chicago a bigger success would be if they finally admit that putting Band-Aids on Wrigley Field isn't going to work. Rebuild the team; rebuild the park.

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?