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Author: Uncle Mike (page 1 of 5)

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “We Should Have Let the Pirates Win” Edition

Who wouldn't want to live in a world filled with these people?

I’m pretty sure that this team will do whatever possible they can to make me miserable. When I want us to win, we lose. When I give up on the season and start rooting for the Pirates to win the whole thing, we get swept by the Brewers and then beat up on the Pirates.

Your tips are as appreciated as seeing anyone but the Cardinals or Brewers win the division. Hell, I’ll even take the Reds this year. But not the Astros. GOD HELP YOU, NOT THE ASTROS.

  • Brendan Ryan plays baseball like slow-pitch softball. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • If I didn’t think I was going to be fired at the end of this season, I would purchase these in a heartbeat. (HT: Ryan in Lakeview)
  • Movie and TV universe overlaps that will BLOW YOUR MIND. (HT: CT)
  • I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle.
  • Want to make a movie with Steven Spielberg? Get watching.
  • Welcome…to JURASSIC PARK.
  • I foolishly stopped watching Fringe right before it got good. Is it as good as these auditions?
  • YOUR AWESOME OLD MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: How about 8 hilarious clips from otherwise awful movies?

Short BROWSing this week, because the internet blew, and wasn’t very funny. I’m assuming we’ll now sweep the Reds just to give the Brewers and Cardinals the best chance of winning the division. DAMN US.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Friday Night WHAT-DO-WE-DO-NOW???” Edition

Well, the trading has begun. All of you Tyler Colvin lovers will finally have your day in the Wrigley Field sun. Enjoy it, idiots. More importantly, HAS ANYONE CONSIDERED WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE SPORADIC FRIDAY NIGHT FUKUDOME?! Oh, well. Who will be the next to go in the upcoming winds of change?

Your tips are as appreciated as Carlos Zambrano’s pitching is unappreciated. Seriously? No one wants him? Basically for free? Yet another fine player whose value was totally destroyed by this franchise.

SIGH.

  • Bud Selig’s family makes this mistake all the time. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • Ride ’em, sharkboy. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • She’s STILL spitting up hairballs!
  • Speaking of which, is George Lucas a supervillain now?
  • ALL HAIL GOOGLE+.
  • And speaking of which, Google+ walks into a bar
  • Dancin’ like Bernie! (HT: Michael)
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Found Shit. (HT: Swaz46)

Well, that’s it for me, gang. Either for this week or FOREVER.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Last-Place SHOWDOWN!” Edition

What happens if the bottle goes missing?

As awful as we’ve been this year, somehow the Astros are significantly worse. And that’s hilarious, because Houston sucks and no one should live there. Or, if you’re from Houston, I LOVE that town! And everything is totally okay with our team, and I just flat-out love life! Your tips are as appreciated as the sugar-coating that I glaze over every single post-game press conference!

  • Can someone please explain this article to Gordon Wittenmyer?
  • If anyone could somehow launch himself into the stands on his 3,000th hit, it’s Derek Jeter.
  • If you couldn’t read that previous article, you’re probably smart enough to have installed this. (HT: BigLeagueStew)
  • There’s “unassuming,” and there’s just sort of sad. I’M SAD!
  • Morans Guy finally speaks! (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • HJE makes you stoopud! (HT: Swaz46)
  • Final frames from movies.
  • I’m a big animal lover, but if sharks get to eat us when we go in the water, I feel we’re entitled to eat them when they land on our boats. (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
  • Speaking of sharks, it’s ALWAYS Shark Week on my computer.
  • You may think this guy is just a plain idiot, but to be fair, he was SUPER-high when he called.
  • Weird Al is still awesome.
  • Poor Sean Bean. SPOILERS AHOY!
  • Ten deleted scenes that would’ve ruined the film. Some of these are insane. Yes, of COURSE George Lucas is involved.
  • Though I couldn’t stand him on SNL, I appreciate what Jimmy Fallon has done to represent geeks on late-night television, and I find Justin Timberlake to be a pretty damn funny dude who loves life. I was JUST made aware of these two videos, which are awesome. Who knew Fallon could sing?

  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: I was unaware of @BirdsonBats06 until the Morans Guy article linked above. It’s awesome. See?
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Dummies.
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: How to Be a Retronaut

Get ready for a weekend filled with high-quality baseball, folks. The battle for the bottom of the NL Central begins today!
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Aaaaaand…We’re Back” Edition

If you're going to insist on taking Cubs, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

Well, that was a nice little All-Star break, no? Go, National League! Did you guys see me on the bench? I’m not going to say the Arizona sun was entirely kind to my head, but at the same time it wasn’t entirely UNkind. Your tips are nearly as appreciated as a bottle of sunscreen and a Panama Jack hat.

  • Who DIDN’T have a friend who was a big baseball player back in high school? Here’s the video, if you haven’t seen it in the last 25 years. RELATED: Do you think Springsteen ever told Steve Van Zandt to dial it the fuck down?
  • It would be better if Joe Buck would offer to die instead of Vin Scully.
  • SPLOOSH!” -Laura Ricketts
  • I like Justin Timberlake more each day. (HT: Pre)
  • The Worst 100 Players of All Time? What a lame, round number. Part 2 is here.
  • In honor of the recently-completed All-Star Game (go, NL!), here are the worst MLB All-Stars of the 2000s. (HT: Swaz46) EVERYONE’S making lists these days, it seems.
  • In the words of (HT) Ned Ryerson, “Do you think Bob Gibson would sign this?” Fuck. No.
  • I enjoy the hell out of Sully’s baseball videos, and this one about the over-statsing of baseball hits home to me. I don’t begrudge you stat geeks, as baseball is a game that lends itself naturally to a lot of statistics. I’m just saying it’s starting to give me a headache.
  • If you don’t already miss the space shuttle, this might get you there. (HT: level5)
  • The most ignominious death an exotic bear handler could have expected.
  • The best Star Wars game you’ll never play. Unless maybe you go to UIC, I guess.
  • Too soon? That’s what she said!
  • Are you- Are you still holding on to the candy bar?
  • The trailer for the first Cuban horror movie Juan of the Dead is NSFW, but that doesn’t mean it’s not AWESOME.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me our old pal Jose Canseco was melting the hell down last Saturday? I really wish Jose were clever enough that “holesome” was intentional.

Well, that’s all for me. I’m exhausted from all that coaching of games that don’t count! Wait, did you think I meant the All-Star Game?
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Grampa Pujols’ Magical Elixirs and Sundries” Edition

"Aargh! These needles are going to hurt!"

Does anyone honestly believe that Albert Pujols isn’t using SOMETHING? The behemoth came back from a BROKEN ARM to play Major League Baseball a MONTH ahead of schedule. I once took two months off baseball on account of baldness. But by all means, Bud. When your head isn’t up your heiny, please continue shoving it in the sand. By the way, if there’s one guy whose advice you want to ask about sending a guy out to play when he might not be fully healed, it’s Mark Prior Dusty Baker.

Your BROWSing tips are as appreciated as Grampa Pujols’ Magical Elixirs and Sundries.
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Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Walkoffs for Some! Miniature American Flags for Others!” Edition

"Dempster taught me to do this Superman impression!"

Well, that was exciting. As bad as this team can be, this is why I still show up and watch the games. That, and for the paycheck. Mostly for the paycheck, I guess. Quade’s gotta eat! We’ve got the White Sox again this weekend. And the reason YOU show up to watch these games is to taunt Sox fans, get into fistfights, and maybe get drunk enough to tell Alexei Ramirez that he looks like the end result of Chris Bosh fucking Skeletor.

Your tips are as appreciated as my paycheck each week. That is to say, a LOT.

  • Charlie Sheen wins on ‘roids, Jeremy Piven has always sucked ass, and Wesley Snipes runs like Paul Konerko. More factoids here!
  • Sheen is going to land hard, but it’s sure fun watching the plane go down. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • Brian Wilson is simply not funny, and too dumb to realize that he’s also accidentally racist. (HT: St. Patrick) People think guys like Wilson and Ryan Dempster are funny because they’re surrounded by a bunch of guys who are even LESS funny. They’re the office “hot” chick who you accept as the hottEST even though she has horrible snaggleteeth.
  • Jay Mariotti may finally pay for his crimes against humanity! (HT: Ned Ryerson) No, not his columns.
  • HTML-da. (HT: Matthew) WARNING! Loud.
  • Masturbators, rejoice! Japan has finally perfected “The Stranger.”
  • After giving you the reasons listicles are comedy gold, here are the reasons they’ll ANGER UP YOUR ANGER.
  • If you can get past the Twilight crap, these fan explanations of movies are WAY better than the actual writers’ explanations.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: Sullivan’s face in this picture says 1,000 words. And most of those words are, “Could you possibly be a more pompous ass?”
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: I love Weird Al so much, but not in THAT way. Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but does Weird Al not look a LOT like Jane Krakowski?

Well, it’s the Fourth of July weekend. Meaning you probably left work already, and you’re reading this next week. So, how did we do in the Sox series? Have fun, be safe, and always designate someone to light your fireworks for you.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Hire Jim Essian!” Edition

Eminently hireable.

Yo, Washington! I hear you need a new manager. (HT: Martin) So, your old one was such a dope that he got your team back to .500 baseball with a nice little run, then had no idea what to do with himself, panicked, and made the worst bluff in managerial history. Jim Riggleman is the guy who scales Mt. Everest, then gets so excited to be up there that he falls off backwards while trying to take a picture of his Sherpa. One man’s loss is another man’s gain, though. So whaddya say, Mike Rizzo? How about giving our old buddy Jim Essian an interview? Once you go Armenian, you never go- Christ, Jim, why couldn’t you just be black?

Your tips are as wonderful as a pre-interview of Skip. Get on it, people.

  • I despise sites that force you to click through a slideshow, but you should at least take a gander at the 10 worst signings in our history. (HT: level5) It’s pretty accurate.
  • Posnanski’s list of the 14 most-dominant individual performances in sports history has an old friend on there. Or, wait. Current friend. What I mean to say is that it has Kerry Wood’s 20-K game on there. SPOILERS! Did I do that right?
  • Somewhere, Lou Piniella just wrote his epitaph.
  • Twelve solid old baseball cards. (HT: level5)
  • Willie Bloomquist is a goll darn folk hero. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have something in my eye.
  • Motion granted! (HT: David)
  • Bachelor Vision! (HT: TEC)
  • If you hate your kids, and it’s winter, TAKE NOTE. (HT: flannj)
  • Yet another reason that the T79 is SO FLAPJACKING BRILLIANT.
  • Are you taking the piss? (Did I do that right, Tonker?)
  • Even George Lucas thinks the Star Wars prequels sucked.
  • Dick jokes are HISTORIC, meaning hundreds of years from now, people will still be reading HJE.
  • Speaking of dicks, are THEY the reason women aren’t funny? According to science, YES.
  • In continuing our “manly” portion of the BROWSing, here’s how to open a beer with anything.

    “Manly,” at least, except for the Corona Light.
  • In honor of Futurama‘s return last night, here are seven FAKE scientists loved by a REAL scientist.
  • Sully goes to the Dusty Baker school of pitcher use.

    It at least makes you ask the question, “Did they get hurt because they were babied, or were they being babied because they seemed likely to get hurt?”
  • You know, I was JUST writing a pilot for a sitcom about a drunk, naked veterinarian. (HT: Ned Ryerson) I say fair is fair. Now let the doberman get drunk and operate on HIM.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: In honor of the NBA draft, THAT’S an article I would have loved to read.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to finish helping Skip update his resume. Then, I’m probably working on mine. Koyie Hill, indeed.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Thuuuuuuuuuuu YANKEES WIN!” Edition

Sleep tight.

I hate the Yankees, I hate that they’re in town, I hate that anyone cares that they’re in town, and I hate that the media is going to talk about us more because the Yankees are in town. Okay? Is that enough of a sound bite for you? You want me to read it out loud? Your tips are as appreciated as the first plane out of Chicago carrying the bleeding Yankees.

  • If only you’d studied physics harder, you could see 30 MLB parks in 35 days. Alternatively, you could just steal this guy’s work. Unfortunately, you already missed the beginning, and you’d have to sit through a Sox-Cubs game. You also have to drive from Minnesota to Florida on the Fourth of July. So, there’s that.
  • Cubs fans are so LUCKY to share a rivalry with the Best Fans in Baseball!
  • tHom Brennaman REALLY has the self-righteous indignation down. Another thing he has? No clue what he’s talking about. The rule makes perfect sense.
  • Speaking of assholes, I know this Cracked article is from 2008, but it’s still relevant to me, dammit!
  • I’ll make you suck my ass“? Really?
  • Get your own replica LeBron James championship ring. Also, your schadenfreude. (HT: Ned Ryerson and Santo10)
  • Hendry’s track record, broken down. (HT: Steve) That’s as close to a track record that Hendry will ever get without having a massive heart attack.
  • A few more of the surprisingly-fascinating “What Song Are You Listening To?” short films.
  • The patience that it must have taken to do this is impressive, but am I a dick for saying it sort of looks like shit? Hippies.
  • The ten craziest summer sports to play when you’re sick of watching us. Which happened about two months ago.
  • The IT Crowd is a pretty hilarious show. And the bloopers are pretty hilarious, too.
  • Toilets are awesome. (HT: Swaz46)
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: You know the hot girl “making out” with the guy during the idiotic Vancouver riots? Yeah, turns out she’s a hot STAB VICTIM. Flipping Canada, man. (HT: @AndrewCieslak)
  • NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: So help me God, I was only partially aware that Fisted Foul was still around. In honor of the recent Brewers series, NIGHTMARE FUEL.

Welp, time to pretend I care about anything other than Jeter NOT getting 3,000 hits.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Sign Pujols, Morans!” Edition

Albert Pujols helps his youngest son find his seat.

The Cardinals are in town, which will, of course, cause all of the city’s journalists to write stories about how we should steal all of the Slugger’s batting tokens out of Todd Rickett’s piggy bank (and those crammed up his nose) to sign Albert Pujols next year. Never mind that Pujols’ “slow start” is starting to look more like an “inevitable decline.” And never mind that everyone knows that not even the addition of a GREAT Pujols will make us contenders next year. And never mind my painful-looking grimace. I just tried to break a bat over my leg. Plus, I normally look like this.

Your tips fill my week almost as well as Tony Campana’s head fills his hat.

  • We’re not sellers yet, but if we become sellers, do we have any useful parts? Short answer: EVERY PART HAS A DADGARN NO-TRADE CLAUSE.
  • Speaking of sales, certainly Crane Kenney will find a way for the Cubs to get in on this sweet action. Oh, wait. He did. Check out page 25.
  • It looks like the White Sox are going with the tried-and-true “us against them” theme again. “The 2011 White Sox: WE’RE ALL IN, SO FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING FANS.”
  • Happy early Father’s Day, you heartless mother fathers. (HT: Santo10)
  • Score another victory for the compulsive poop-mongers of the world. (HT: level5)
  • As if you need a reason to get out of bed OTHER than your Friday BROWSing.
  • What ARE people in New York listening to? Other than cab horns, of course.
  • I saved the best for last. This is the first time you haven’t hated George Lucas in about twenty years.
  • TWEET OF THE WEEK: If the idea of Carlos Zambrano dropping his pants in front of our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN wasn’t funny enough, remember the fact that Sully would have been at eye-level with Zambrano’s not-bruises.
  • FEED READ OF THE WEEK: THXTHXTHX is…thankful that you’re reading it, I suppose.

And that wraps up this week’s thrilling installment of STUFF THAT YOU READ INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT YOU’RE PAID TO BE DOING.
-Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike’s Friday BROWSing: The “Hungover, Too” Edition

Image brought to you by Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal.

First of all, if you want a link to the brilliant comic or loads more hilarious ones, TOO BAD. Nah, just kidding. It’s here. SMBC does loads of good work, and there’s new content every day. I don’t know how he does it, but he does. And you get to reap the benefits.

For those of you not already out waiting for tickets to The Hangover Part II, congratulations. It’s the SAME MOVIE. Zach Galifianakis will mispronounce something, Ken Jeong will “show” his penis, Ed Helms will be disfigured, and Mike Tyson will sing something out of character. Oh, sorry. SPOILERS.

Your tips are always as appreciated as a roundhouse kick to Bradley Cooper’s neck.

  • The Cubs can’t even win the World Series that should have happened against the Red Sox. Also, GROOOOOOAAAAAAN.
  • In a battle between Marty Brennaman and the Cardinals, we ALL lose.
  • Ten facts about Wrigley Field that you probably already know, but humor her. She’s a girl. I love how the article’s image is a bloomin’ advertisement.
  • I hate Barry Bonds as much as everyone else does, but it’s a damn cool gesture that he’s offering to pay the college tuition of Bryan Stow’s kids.
  • Yet another pointless reason to hate Sammy Sosa! Seriously, though, with each passing hour, he looks more and more like a Dominican drug lord.
  • Speaking of drugs, Lenny Dykstra, ladies and gentlemen!
  • Justin Berg’s no-strikes outing this week reminded me of a far more efficient no-strikes outing in 2004 by Andy Pratt. It was Greg Maddux’s first start back at Wrigley Field in a Cubs uniform, it was the home opener after winning the 2003 NL Central crown, and it was a total torch-bearin’ disaster. Pratt put three guys on with only nine pitches, none of them strikes. After that game, Pratt vanished from the baseball universe forever. HE IS LEGEND.
  • Baseball’s All-Crazy Team has a familiar face. (HT: Swaz46)
  • Someone please get this and invite me over to play.
  • Nigel Tufnel Day may be coming. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
  • I think umps are allowed to have their own strike zones because they’re too stupid to remember where it’s supposed to be.
  • Why you should never fall asleep at the wheel.
  • Why Was I Banned? tells the woes of people banned from Xbox Live. Like this guy’s son. (HT: Pre)
  • Don’t you miss wearing pants? Specifically, Zubaz?
  • Now THAT is a bad Kermit.
  • The rise and fall of an internet meme.
  • SITE OF THE WEEK: MacRecipes has enough MacGyver action to make Selma and Patty’s panties- You know what? I’m just going to stop there.

That’s it for me, folks. Just preparing for the 50-degree temperature swing we’re going to experience over the course of a couple days. Also, getting pretty excited to use Rodrigo Lopez. Not gonna lie.

-Uncle Mike