Can I go home now?

Louis DePalma:

Mike Royko once renounced his Cub fandom and became a White Sox fan, although briefly. Paul Sullivan once worked for Royko, Paul Sullivan is your good friend. What the heck does Sully do to people that he makes them quit being Cubs fans?

Bort:

I am going to tattoo this on Jim Hendry’s face. Jailhouse style.

Joe Morgan:

I haven’t watched this team enough to know whether this is a good decision or a not good decision but I can tell you that in my experience Ryan Sundberg is a bad human being who kicks puppies and was overrated as a second baseman. What this team really needs is to find some consistatncy and get back to playing smallball the way me and Tony Perez and me used to do.

I really hope “…me and Tony Perez and me…” was intentional. If it was, it’s brilliant.

Ryan Beariot:

Can we start an “I’m with CarZo” site somewhere?

Vance Law:

Don’t you all see what’s starting to happen here? Ricketts wants to move the team a la Major League.

They’re still shitty…

a girl:

Please don’t let them start stripping the clothes off a cardboard Hendry… *twitch*

What can I say? I love Major League. Congratulations to all of the excellent contributors to the Zambrano rage-off this week. You are all winners in my book! Now, can you please loosen these handcuffs and let me go home?

• I sure hope Conan O’Brien wins the newest round of late-night wars.
• I don’t get it. This is how I tell all of my guys to break in their new gloves.
• Here’s the most depressing Rondup item you’ll see until Lou gets back.
• Don’t cry over spilled “milk”!
• Here is yet another reason to make fun of Curt Schilling for being fat.
• Can you imagine how disgusting Pablo Sandoval’s cup must stink?
• Someone call the Library Cop on our first President.
• So, Cubs fans. Who would you rather have in right field? Kosuke Fukudome, or Jim Edmonds? (HT: Jeffrey)
• Won’t you do your part to help the internet determine the Most Awesomest Thing Ever? Good bye, Friday afternoon!
• Pictures you shouldn’t be able to see of the volcano you can’t pronounce.
• Stupid designers. We want to see MORE asscrack!
• Gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
• Lou’s new home?
• Part of a depressing, yet balanced breakfast!
• Why haven’t the Blackhawks already put away the Predators? I’ll give you one guess.
• We’ve found him. I don’t know how, but we’ve found him! Run for it, Marty!
• Christ, what a great punchline.
• And you thought the end of The Sopranos was bad.
• You know who I’d like to have up in Minnesota on my starting staff? Matt Cain. But also Carlos Zambrano.
• Octopuses- Octopi. Whatever. They’re badass.
  

  octopus steals my video camera and swims off with it (while it’s Recording) from Victor Huang on Vimeo.

• Lou tells me you guys like putting together models, so maybe you’ll like these miniature scenes, especially the ones from TV sets.
• HJE‘s favorite meme gets castrated, and Hitler is none too happy about it (watch it quickly before it’s gone).
  
• This breakup is even better than my standard “fadeaway” approach.
• I- I don’t think so. I’d better go check.
• So, we apparently already missed it, but our OTHER good friend Paul Sullivan (of Sully Baseball)
  
  
  
• Cheer up, Cubs fans! Based loosely on BABIP, John Grabow isn’t QUITE as bad as he’s appeared. Carlos Silva, on the other hand, is potentially far, far worse. (HT: John)
• Santo10 wonders if Ryan Dempster choreographed this rain delay (for the record, it’s pretty damn awesome).
  
• Stephen King’s latest book (at least until next week) is about baseball, and is apparently worth the short time it will take you to read it. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• If you have an iPhone and you like baseball, check out these five applications. (HT: Daniel)
• Bleacher Report loosely interprets the term “mascot.” (HT: level5)
• Fergie Jenkins is awesome. (HT: Poon)
• McLovin is kind of a dick. (HT: Paul)
  
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: Ozzie is getting boring, so I’m expanding this feature, especially since Jose Canseco now has his own Twitter account: “Besides my genetically perfect girlfriend I would have a boring life if it wasn’t for u guys I would go crazy thanks for being there” Is the genetically-perfect one this one with the big, fake boobs (and formerly with the big penis)?
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: This should hold you over until next week.
  
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Fuck You, Penguin. (NSFW language, but you’re HERE, aren’t you?)

That’s it for me, folks. Maybe you should all take a few days off from watching Cubs baseball. We’ll be playing good, fundamental American League baseball in Kansas City this weekend. Won’t you join us?
-Uncle Gardy

Last week, the Kerms were in lovely Mexico where they routinely vacation. They go there for two reasons. They have a time share in beautiful Mexico City, which is like Milwaukee only with dirtier air and slightly hairier women. In fact, both are on the list of the ten worst cities in the world. So while they were down there risking melanoma and lung cancer and swallowing baggies of heroin, the Muskbag was left unattended.

Remember when I was in Florida a couple of years ago getting married and Kermit filled in at Desipio? Of course you don’t, nobody remembers that, it’s not important, but if I were nice I’d have offered to fill in for Kermit while he was hanging with his BFFs Spencer and Heidi.

If I had done that, maybe Carrie wouldn’t have pulled the shit she did last week. It’s my fault. So, a week late, let’s see what she did.

Are the Cubs concerned about Derrek Lee? I don’t think he’s a viable hitter in the No. 3 spot. He seems to hit into a ton of double plays and does not hit for much power anymore. Does this have to do with his wrist injury from a few years back and is it time to give Micah Hoffpauir a chance since he is younger and a lefty?
– Ryan H., Vincennes, Ind.

You would think Carrie would start off with a strong question, but instead we get this. First off, Lou’s been batting Derrek cleanup lately (which might actually be worse than third), secondly, he hasn’t hit into a single double play all season (of course, when all you do is hit lazy flyballs to shallow left and to Matt Murton’s money spot ‘deep short’, the only way that ends up a double play is if Manny Alexander comes back to the squad). But honestly, if Lee is still suffering the after effects of a wrist injury from three years ago he should have had the Samuel L. Jackson role in “Unbreakable.” By the way, Carrie will not like that you picked on her palsie, Derrek.

CARRIE: For the zillionth time, Lee’s wrist injury is not an issue. What could be a problem, though, is the bulging disc in his back, which forced him out of Sunday’s game in St. Louis. It sidelined him for about a week in May 2007 and again a few days last year. With Lee, Milton Bradley, and Aramis Ramirez out with injuries, Lou Piniella has had to juggle his lineup and, right now, Kosuke Fukudome is the hot bat and doing well in the three-hole. How about a 3-4-5 combo of Fukudome-Ramirez-Bradley followed by Lee? All I know is that Piniella has been scribbling lots of possibilities, and the only thing set is Alfonso Soriano at leadoff and the pitcher batting ninth.

Hah! She showed you, Ryan H! Ya’ll just got served! How does that Musk taste? See, it’s not an injured wrist that’s slowing Derrek down it’s…uh…it’s his back, for the third year in a row. See, that is so much better. You must feel pretty dumb now. Snap!

As an LSU alum and a longtime Cubs fan, I’m thrilled to see the double-play combination of Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. I was curious to know if any other MLB teams had members of a College World Series championship team on their Opening Day rosters?
– Checo C., Murphysboro, Ill.

We should have known you went to LSU when we saw that you don’t even know how to spell Chico. Besides, what the fuck are you doing in Murphysboro, there isn’t even a Home Depot there, so what parking lot do you stand in to try to get work? As for your question, how about you spoon up a big bowl of who gives a shit? You want to know if any other teames have College World Series champions on their rosters. Seriously? How about something just as relevant, like how many teams had players on their opening day rosters with an active herpes lesion? How many teams had players on their opening day rosters who have “Let the Dogs Out?” How many teams had players on their opening day rosters who can’t fucking spell Chico?

CARRIE: Other teams have had two players from CWS teams, but so far no research has shown any other team with a middle-infield combo. Third baseman Tom Satriano and first baseman Dan Ardel played for the California Angels on Sept. 27, 1961; both had played together on the USC 1961 College World Series team. First baseman Ron Fairly and third baseman John Werhas played together on the ’64 Dodgers and were teammates on USC’s 1958 national title team. Theriot and Fontenot won the CWS crown in 2000 with the Tigers.

Hey, Carrie, that wasn’t his question. He just wanted a list of players who played on College World Series champions who made opening day rosters. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Tom Satriano, Dan Ardel, Ron Fairly and John Werhas weren’t on opening day rosters this season. Actually, I think Dan Ardel might have been on the Nats’ roster, and why not he’s only 67, and he played seven big league games in 1961 so he’s well rested.

When are they making up the St. Louis game that was postponed on April 19?
– Craig B., Grandview, Ill.

Honestly, what’s worse, the assholes who ask the schedule questions or the fact that Carrie answers them? Jesus Christ on a cracker, Craig B. from Grandview, Illinois does your family tree have any branches or does it just go straight up? You apparently know how to access the Interwebs, and Cubs.com, and you can’t figure out how to click on the fucking schedule? I hope a tornado hits your house and it lands tires up.

CARRIE: Anyone who had tickets for the game between the Cubs and Cardinals, which was postponed because of rain, can use those tickets for the makeup game to be played July 12 at 12:05 p.m. CT. All tickets for the postponed game will be honored at the gates for the early game on July 12, which is the first of a day-night doubleheader. There is no need for fans to exchange tickets. However, if you are unable to attend the July 12 makeup game, you may request a refund by sending your tickets to the Wrigley Field ticket office at 1060 W. Addison Street, Chicago, IL, 60613, or by visiting the Wrigley Field ticket windows during business hours.

All refunds must be requested before May 31. The Cubs will announce an on-sale date for refunded tickets shortly after May 31. The makeup game scheduled for July 12 at 12:05 p.m. is now part of a day-night, separate admission doubleheader. The regularly scheduled game will follow at 7:05 p.m. CT. The tickets from Sunday’s game will not be honored for the night game.

Blah, blah, blah. Here’s what Carrie’s trying to say. Instead of having a real doubleheader where you go in once, pay once and see two games, the Cubs want you to show up at noon then get the hell out of the park, so they can find 40,000 other dopes to pay for the next game that day. The only person allowed to stay between games is Al Yellon, so that nobody steals the 27 inch wide piece of plywood he’s parked his side pocketed coulottes on for two decades.

Ryan Dempster has an unusual habit of flicking his glove hand before he delivers the ball. Is this just a nervous habit? When did he develop this? I can think of no other Major League pitcher who does this.
– Thomas C., Franklin, Ind.

Yes, it’s a nervous habit, it’s actually a lot better than the one he has for playoff games, during those he soils his pants before each pitch, most of them balls. Or homers.

CARRIE: Dempster actually started it last year as a timing device and a way to hide his grip.

Yeah, it’s a timing device, because without it, he’d forget when to let go of the ball and just roll off the mound like Rex Grossman going after a fumbled snap.

Mitch Williams wore No. 99 while on the Phillies. What number was the highest number worn by a Cubs pitcher? What was the lowest? I’ve seen Mike Hampton wear No. 11, which seems low for a pitcher.
– Scott J., San Antonio

Is this you, Yellon? Don’t fuck with the Muskbag! Judging by the fact that Amazon says you’ve only sold three copies of your tremendous tome about Cubs’ numbers, this kind of pointless question just seems like that kind of pathetic attention grab you’d resort to. Nobody gives a shit what the highest or lowest number a Cubs pitcher has ever worn.

CARRIE: The highest number for a Cubs pitcher was No. 96, worn by Bill Voiselle in 1950. The highest by a Cubs player was No. 99, which Todd Hundley wore in 2001. I believe Charley Root, who won 201 games for the Cubs, has the lowest number for a pitcher at No. 12, which he wore in 1932. He pitched for the team from 1926-41, but ’32 was the first year the Cubs began wearing numbers on their jerseys. The first No. 1 for the team was infielder Woody English.

Wait, you mean nobody’s worn a number higher than 99? What about Hector Villaneuva, didn’t he wear 332? I mean there was enough room for it. Besides, everybody knows that Tommy Jacobs, old number two (and he played like it) pitched in a game in 1948. Holy shit, just leave these for Hartig, you’re just making a mess of things.

Has anyone asked Greg Maddux if he will enter the Hall of Fame as a Cub, Brave or what? I was Greg’s English teacher at Valley High School in Las Vegas.
– Ken Z., Las Vegas, Nev.

Oh, so you’re the douchebag who is responsible for Greg not knowing what gerund is. Nice job. Also, I like how you gave three options for Greg, he could be inducted as a Cub, a Brave or a what? If I were him, I’d go with what, they have the coolest hats.

CARRIE: It’s not up to the player, it’s up to the Hall of Fame.

Uh oh, Ken, Carrie’s getting snippy. One sentence.

Where does Aramis Ramirez rank among all-time walk-off home run leaders? I heard that his homer on April 18 put him ahead of Manny Ramirez as the all-time leader. Is this true?
– Adrian S., Chicago

This is a good question. Finally. I’d be interested in finding out who has hit the most walk-off homers in history. Is it Babe Ruth? Hank Aaron? Jim Leyritz? Wait, Leyritz just hits people in crosswalks.

CARRIE: Aramis has four, Manny has three.

Nice job, Carrie. Now how about you answer the fucking question? He wanted to know where he ranked among the all-time leaders. Your answer implies, through sheer laziness and shitty writing, that E-ramis’ four are the most ever. And that Manny’s three are second all-time. This is likely false. Maybe that sparrow who nests in your hair bun pecked a little medulla oblongata? Might want to have that checked.

My girlfriend asked me if there has ever been a pitcher who could throw with both arms. I had no idea and was hoping you might be able to settle this for us.
– Clayton L., Eau Claire, Wis.

Clayton, it’s pretty clear that one or more of these things are true:

a) You don’t have a girlfriend and just want to play pretend
b) This dumbass question is yours and you know it’s lame so you’re blaming it on your imaginary girlfriend
c) People in Eau Claire are drinking paint thinner again

You know what pitchers can throw with both arms? All of them except Jim Abbott and Dave Dravecky. Your vaguely worded horseshit question basically wonders if they’ve ever thrown a ball with their less dominant arm. You didn’t even bother to ask if they’ve pitched with both arms. I’m sending Greg W. Harris over to your house and he’s going to kick your ass with both legs.

CARRIE: Tony Mullane, who pitched in the 1880s and ’90s, wore no glove and would face the batter with both hands on the ball before throwing it. Greg Harris used both arms when he pitched one inning of scoreless relief for the Montreal Expos on Sept. 28, 1995, against the Cincinnati Reds. He faced four batters — two as a right-hander, two as a lefty. There is a switch-throwing pitcher in the Yankees’ Minor League system now, Pat Venditte Jr. He did so for Creighton’s baseball team in 2006 and wore a glove that had two thumb holes and four finger holes. Venditte would have to declare which way he was going to pitch before each batter stepped into the box. If he was facing a switch-hitter, one of the Creighton coaches would signal to Venditte which arm to use, based on scouting reports. He was drafted by the New York Yankees and, last year, posted an 0.83 ERA in 30 games. This season Venditte is pitching for Class A Charleston and is listed as a right-hander.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What? Huh? My favorite part of this answer is that Pat Vinditte Jr. (and we all know how famous Pat Vinditte Sr. is) needs a signal from the bench to know which hand to throw with. It’s so hard to remember to pitch lefty to the lefties and righty to the righties. Next year they’re going to write it on his arm to speed things up.

Every time Fukudome gets on first base, Matt Sinatro is seemingly telling him all sorts of information. How much English does Fukudome speak? Or, did Sinatro learn Japanese?
– Joel Y., Chicago

Why Joel, we have a transcript of Sunday’s game when Kosuke reached first on a walk early in the game.

Sinatro: Good job Fukky. Good eye.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: OK, we got one out. Watch out for Nolasco’s move, it’s pretty good.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: Anything on the ground you are running, don’t commit on a liner.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: Holy crap, check out the tits on that blonde over there.
Kosuke: Yeah and she just eye fucked the shit out of me! Banzai!

CARRIE: Fukudome knows enough English to understand Sinatro, who says he’s not fluent in Japanese.

He’s not? Shit, I thought Sinatro could speak five or six languages. Even if one of them isn’t English.

Micah Hoffpauir homered off Micah Owings on April 21. Just wondering how many times a Micah has homered off a Micah in Major League history?
– Courtney W., Quincy, Ill.

You didn’t really wonder that. You don’t give a shit. Nobody gives a shit about this, not even either of the Micah’s gives a shit about this. You just knew that this is the kind of obvious question that Carrie always crams in her Muskbox.

CARRIE: That was believed to be the first time.

It’s believed to be the first time? Why do you even do this if you’re going to be this lazy? It took me all of three minutes to prove this, not to mention the fact that Len Kasper and Pat Hughes both commented on this during that game.

In Major League Baseball history only four men named Micah have ever played. Micah Bowie, Micah Franklin, Micah Owings and Micah Hoffpauir. Bowie only got four hits in his career, no homers. Franklin hit two homers but never faced Bowie. So that leaves the current Micah’s, and since Hoffpauir has never pitched, the only way it could have ever happened was the one you saw with your own stigmatism. Hoffpauir hitting it off of Owings.

Way to phone this Muskbag in, Carrie. I don’t know how Kermit does it. I just did one and I feel dumber for the effort.

What a surprise I had when I woke up yesterday morning to see the nice gift you left for me on the statue of Harry Caray. I have to say, it was very, very clever of you to leave a sacrifice to your goat god in order to appease my anger over being left out of the 1945 World Series at Wrigley Field.

I do have a couple of concerns, though. I’m going to assume, for your benefit, that you purchased a goat head at a local butcher’s shop. I truly hope that you didn’t kill an innocent goat because you actually believe I have anything to do with the fact that your team has stunk worse than I do for the past sixty-three years.

If you actually did kill a goat as part of your very clever and elaborate practical joke, I have some bad news for you. You know that god you’re always praying to? Well, this is him:





If you think he looks pissed there, wait until he finds out that you hung his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson’s head from the arm of a statue of a dead guy. Maybe I can convince him that you were trying to end world hunger instead of trying to insure that your team manages to win just one playoff game. That might calm him down a little bit. Instead of skinning you alive in retribution, he may just skin the popped collared polo off you and hang you in the center field bleachers with an ironic can of Pabst Blue Ribbon shoved up your entitled ass.

Although I certainly appreciate your poorly-thought-out gesture, I have to say that I was a bit surprised at your choice of sacrifice. As you are probably aware, I am a billy goat. I have come to grips with the fact that your people have enslaved my species and harvested our milk and meat for years and years. I have long since given up on my campaign to free the Brookfield Zoo Seven. I don’t even mind that much when guys like Reed Johnson makes fun of our facial hair.

But why do you think that sacrificing a goat to me would appease me? You know what would have been a better gesture? This.





I could get behind something like this.

Or, if your insatiable bloodlust necessitates a ritualistic killing, how about slaughtering oh, I don’t know, a fucking MOUNTAIN LION?





Are you aware that those guys have been eating my people since long before your kind realized they should stop pooping on themselves, put some pants on, and make a spear? I assume you’re not man enough to pick on a mountain lion. You’d much rather prey on animals who won’t fight back, like goats and drunk chicks.

The next time you’re tempted to sacrifice something to me, please do both the goat and human populations a favor and go lay down in traffic.

With warmest regards,
Billy Goat Sianis

Cc: The Black Cat, Steve Bartman

And in case the past had been romanticized in my mind (I am of course a pretty old gal), when I saw you today I knew that what we had all those years was real.

Your caress, your firm but soothing hand as they moved over my bricks, electrifying me in the process. The way you hugged my pole in Section 208–your favorite, I’ll always remember, ever since you so fiercely defended my honor to those people who said I was an old nag. It was if you were never gone, my love. You had the power to stop time today, and made me feel like you did the first time you and I met, over 25 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. You showed up to work on your first day and dinged Randy Martz’ car while getting out of yours, and pretended that nobody saw it. Of course I saw it. You were such an earnest boy back then. A child, practically.

Of course I was showing my age, becoming self-conscious of my wrinkles, and in no way expected to catch the admiring eyes of someone as virile as yourself. The way you looked at me…well it was a look that I had not seen in years, not since my first paramour, PK Wrigley, nearly a half-a-century earlier. And true enough the next twenty-five years were some of the most joyous I have ever had.

I was very bitter when you left, John–I’ll be honest. But I knew when I saw you today that, while our affair will never again reach the fire that it had in the past, that I am never far from your thoughts and that’s good enough for me. Besides, you tagged me so good today, I won’t need to get any for a while. So thanks.

Happy New Year, lover.

Miss Wrigley

I’m going to use this opportunity to take my routine in completely different directions! For example, every time Carlos Marmol strikes out a batter on the MLB Network, there’s going to be a Marmol-faced train tearing through the station with a fire trail behind it. Just like in Back to the Future! Bad ass!

You would think that would be the end of it, but no! I haven’t even told you about the Train Fan Cam! Every time the MLB Network shows a shot of the crowd, one lucky fan is going to get nailed…BY AN ANIMATED TRAIN! Crazy, right?

Did I mention that superimposed over all of the regulation MLB-approved caps will be conductor’s caps? I didn’t?! Well, that’s practically the best part! Either that part or the part where I’m suing the train in the outfield at Minute Maid Park for copyright violation. I’ll be a millionaire, and then I’ll buy my own train!

But that’s not all. I have some wacky pranks I’m going to play on my new partners at the MLB Network. Like when I’m working with Harold Reynolds, you might just see a Harold Reynolds’ penis-shaped train sexually harass a Trenni Kusnierek’s vagina-shaped tunnel! Don’t worry, Harold! I’ll be generous with the number of cars! LOL!

So, if you have your tickets, then it’s all aboard the D-Train! All aboard!

Hope you had a nice fucking Labor Day. Of course the ultimate fucking irony is that you don’t even work in the first place. What the fuck do you need a day off for?

So I got a message for you cocksuckers–you 15% of the fuckin’ Internet who bleat like a bunch of unemployed fucking lambs whenever your team goes into a rut, like the one we were in when I was made world fucking famous. I see these worthless assholes here have been trying to keep you in line all year; but you don’t fucking listen to them. Why would you? They’re fucking assholes. So that’s why Uncle Lee’s here–to set you fucking unemployed cocksuckers straight.

I would give my left fucking nut to coach a team that:

Was in first fucking place in what is inarguably one of the top two of the six divisions in baseball on September 2nd…

Currently has the best record in the entire fucking National League, and has had this best record, I should point, since May 27th.

I’d be happier than shit if that was my team. You cocksuckers haven’t had a team this fucking good in your unemployed fucking lifetimes. The closest you’ve come is that team that I started to mold and shape finally got “hotter than shit” and became that cocksucker Jim Frey’s 96-win juggernaut that was the fucking 1984 Cubs. Of course, had my fucking ass been around, Sutcliffe starts Game 4 and you jobless coscksuckers would have celebrated a fucking pennant already.

I should also point out that this year’s Cubs have been playing this well without, for the most part, the services of Rich Fucking Harden and Alfonso Cocksucking Soriano, while also enduring stretches without Kerry Motherfucking Wood, and a cocksucking, motheranddogfucking hybrid of a platoon combination in center field. Also, the Cubs have gotten to this fucking point in the season after having started the season out 0-2 and 1-3, which is not unlike their current skid which has so many of you hapless cocksuckers up in arms.

So Uncle Lee is here to tell you jobless cocksuckers to calm the fuck down, and if you want to get the fuck off this bandwagon, you’re welcome to do so any fucking time you want. You’ll be sorry, though, as this fuckign team is going to win the pennant and you can go downtown and PRINT IT!

The Sun-Times is the one place for independent, politically unimpeded sports commentary in Chicago. Why is it unimpeded by politics? Because I don’t understand them!

It also provides for a strong base from which to connect with readers while I continue my television work and branch into other broadcast and Web ventures. I love connecting with you readers. I love when I write something and I get an outpouring of e-mails. It lets me know you’re out there. Some of them even teach me new words. Like, I didn’t know what “felching” was until you readers suggested I try doing it to myself.

“What Web ventures does Jay have in store for us?” you ask? I’m glad you do. The Web is so influential, that I capitalize it! I remember when the Web was invented, and I wrote a big, long article saying it would never last, and that it would be Lou Piniella’s fault when it failed. But it looks like it’s not going away, and I have to break off a piece of that sweet action. So, I’m starting JayO.com! That’s right! Twenty-four-hour coverage of me, jaying myself oh. I don’t just do it by way of my articles, you know.

I’m also going to continue screaming at the top of my lungs and making illogical, uninformed arguments on your television. Thanks to modern technology, some of you will even be able to see me do it in high-definition! These doughy neck folds just aren’t visible on standard televisions.

So, rejoice, Chicago! It’s half past Jay and time to party! Three more years of cutting-edge sports commentary coming at ya!

WHOOOO-HOOOOO! Maple Bat here! Shouting at you from Louisville, Kay-Why. KY. Like the lube I use when I stay at your house and jerk off in your guest bedroom! Ha ha! Whoo! You mind if I put my feet up? Maybe undo my pants a little bit? By the way, I think I stepped in some shit on your front lawn.

Anyhow, I’m just here to defend myself. I don’t know why old Maple Bat is getting such a bad rap in the media lately. Calling me “dangerous.” Blaming me for all of these accidents? Saying I’m a menace, and that I should be stopped?

Bullshit!

I’m not dangerous? Those DUI charges? They dropped those, bro. Totally dropped those. Maple Bat beats the wrap again, yo! All I had to do was follow the judge to this strip club and snap a couple pictures of a stripper taking a dump on his chest, and I was out like that queer I beat up back in high school!

Speaking of DUIs, what do you have to drink in this dump? Light beer? Light beer is for pussies, man! Send your kid out to pick up some real beer. I got a long drive home.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Just because there have been a couple of instances where I exploded all up in somebody’s face, doesn’t mean everyone has to throw a fit, dude. Like they say on Point Break, innocent until proven guilty. That was Point Break, wasn’t it? Shit, I don’t know. I was so fucking high on PCP when I saw that. No, I don’t have any more on me. I sold it to some junior high kids on the way here. Chill out, dude! I diluted it with some rat poison.

Hey, who’s that chick in that picture? Is that your daughter? She’s fucking HOT, bro! Holy shit, I’d totally split her in two! Condoms? No, man. I only bareback, dude. Some bitches may have herpes because of it, but that ain’t Maple Bat’s problem! Those are speed bumps, yo!

So, anyhow, just wanted to drop by and clear my name. I don’t see any reason to kick me out of the league, even if I’m technically totally worthless. I’m clutch, baby! Clutch!

What do you mean who invited me? My good friend Barry Bonds, bro! He showed me around way back in 1998! Now everyone wants a piece of Maple Bat, dude. Sluggers, bunters, EVERYONE, bro!

Peace!

*Thanks to Ned Ryerson for the link.

Anyhow, John McDonough thought it would be a good idea to throw your support behind another team, so you have something to root for. That said, this post is brought to you by- Christ, I can’t find it. The hell with it.

So, I see here you guys haven’t won a World Series in over 99 years. Not one goddamn World Series?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Harry, you can’t say “goddamn” in these posts.

That’s all right. No one’s reading, anyhow.

So, join in, Sons of the Second City. Holders of the Broad Shoulders. Get on the Indian bandwagon before it’s too late.

Come on. Join in wherever you are out there. Let’s hear you, Chicago. Let’s go Tribe!