Hire Jim Essian

I don't know what's happening at all. I was minding my own business yesterday, watering my grass when a couple of idiots jumped out of a van, threw a canvas sack over my head, and kidnapped me! I woke up in a windowless, locked room with a computer called up to this idiot site. The words, "CHOOSE ... Read More

Ahoy, there, Cubs fans! I hear a fair number of you are considering jumping ship after your manager inexplicably moved one of his best starters to the bullpen. Well, far be it from me to try to sway you one way or another, but up here in Minnesota, we have a new ballpark, one of the most exciting ... Read More

As a favor to me, and because he's secretly in love with Carrie Muskat, Andy Dolan of Desipio takes his swings at the dumbest Q&A this side of Dave Kaplan's show. This week's Muskbox will be covered in due time. Last week, the Kerms were in lovely Mexico where they routinely vacation. They go there for two reasons. ... Read More

Dear Guys Who Strung up a Goat on the Harry Caray Statue, What a surprise I had when I woke up yesterday morning to see the nice gift you left for me on the statue of Harry Caray. I have to say, it was very, very clever of you to leave a sacrifice to your goat god in order to ... Read More

Oh John, that was special. The attention you paid to me, the manicures, the photographers, how you made sure they caught my good side...it was as if you had never been gone. I'll be honest. Since you left last year it's been lonely. Real lonely. Things don't feel the same. Sure, the creepy bozos ... Read More

WOO WOO! All aboard the Danimal Express! This train will be departing as soon as I can pack up my face makeup and tweezers. I'm boarding a train. Or maybe I am the train. I never really figured that out. Destination? Bigger and better things, with stops at the Waffle House, Target, and ... Read More

Hope you had a nice fucking Labor Day. Of course the ultimate fucking irony is that you don't even work in the first place. What the fuck do you need a day off for? So I got a message for you cocksuckers--you 15% of the fuckin� Internet who bleat like a bunch of unemployed fucking lambs whenever ... Read More

That's right, nerds and perverts. It's your old pal Jay Mariotti here. I'm back, baby! Three more years of Jay! It's a lucky day for Chicago! I don't like to use hyperbole, but this is the greatest signing in the history of the Sun-Times. Or, it's the worst, depending on how this works out. Whatever. ... Read More

A Special Report by Maple Bat WHOOOO-HOOOOO! Maple Bat here! Shouting at you from Louisville, Kay-Why. KY. Like the lube I use when I stay at your house and jerk off in your guest bedroom! Ha ha! Whoo! You mind if I put my feet up? Maybe undo my pants a little bit? ... Read More

Hello, everybody, Harry Doyle here, welcoming all you Friends of the Feather to another postseason of Indians baseball. I know a lot of you are disappointed about the way your own season turned out, so I'd like to invite you to join the great fans of Cleveland in supporting the Indians the rest of the way. Yes, sir. ... Read More