Bad Kermit

An Irish Wake for the 2015 Cubs

Today we gather not to mourn the loss of the 2015 Chicago Cubs, but to celebrate their life. We knew you for a far-too-short 199 days. I remember watching your birth on a chilly Sunday night in Chicago. Even though it wasn’t that long ago, it felt like a lifetime. […]

May the wind be always blowing out.

Eamus Catuli

What if, Though?

For all intents and purposes, the Cubs are done. The average team age is around 18, so they didn’t run out of gas. They shouldn’t have realistically been here, so they didn’t choke. They’re not imbeciles, so they’re not cursed. They’ve run up against an extremely hot hitter, some elite pitching, and some very poorly-timed slumps from their star players. With the way these two teams have played, the Mets deserve to be up 3-0.

The 2015 Cubs Signature Moments

There are dozens of reasons to love the 2015 Cubs that have already been covered ad nauseam. I’ve watched more Cubs baseball this year than I think I have in the past seven years combined. If you’re like me, you’re not going to accomplish anything before 7:08 CST tonight. One […]

You're goddamn right.

Carrie Muskat

MUSKBOX: Well, Look What the Cat Dragged In

Well, well, well. We haven’t seen a Muskbox for 280 days. Did Carrie take all that time off to compile a series of questions so poignant, so probing, and so insightful that tales will be told of this being the GREATEST MUSKBOX IN HISTORY? SPOILERS: No. Outside of pitching (because […]

Friday Roundup: The “Still Alive” Edition

Yep. This site is not quite dead yet. So, here’s the deal. I’m getting back into live comedy, and that’s been consuming quite a bit of my time lately. I’m trying not to neglect this beautiful disaster of a blog, but life is a whirlwind right now. If you want to see me make dick jokes in real time, I’m going to be performing in my first show next Friday night at 10:00 p.m. at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora (behind the Fox Valley Mall). It’s called “World War Improv”, it’s going to pit two teams of comics against one another, and it’s going to be funny.

I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now.

This picture must be 'shopped. He never once hung on to a bat all the way through a swing.

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: SS Ricky Gutierrez

Only four more positions are left on the Best Bad Cubs Team of- HOLY SHIT, LOOK OUT! MAN, YOU ALMOST GOT NAILED BY THAT BAT AS IT HELICOPTERED THROUGH THE AIR! Anyhow, we only have the outfield and shortstop left to go, and if you- OH MY GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER I THINK THAT’S STRIKE TWO! Whew! That one just missed you. As I was saying, I’m almost done with the list of Best Bad Cubs and- HE ALMOST HIT THAT OLD LADY IN THE FRONT ROW! HER 95 YEARS ALL JUST FLASHED BEFORE HER EYES! Our final infielder was accidentally one of the most dangerous men in baseball. If you attended a game at Wrigley Field in 2000 or 2001, you were as likely to walk home with a souvenir bat as a souvenir ball. You see, Best Bad Cub shortstop Ricky Gutierrez had pine tar issues that- JESUS HE’S LIKE A TODDLER PLAYING WIFFLE BALL! THAT GUY IS DEAD!

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: 3B Mark Bellhorn

In the late ’90s to about the mid-2000s, there were a weird number of players that the Cubs and Boston Red Sox swapped back and forth as they both sought to avoid 100 titleless years. Jimmy Anderson, Shane Andrews, Terry Adams, Rod Beck, Damon Buford, Frank Castillo, Matt Clement, Jeff Fassero, Cliff Floyd, Chad Fox, Gary Gaetti, Nomar Garciaparra, Geremi Gonzalez, Tom Gordon, Mark Guthrie, Ricky Gutierrez, Chris Haney, Bob Howry, Damian Jackson, Sandy Martinez, Wade Miller, Bill Mueller, Troy O’Leary, Darren Lewis, Ron Mahay, Pat Mahomes, Orlando Merced, Kent Mercker, Mike Remlinger, Rey Sanchez, Matt Stairs, Chris Stynes, Julian Tavarez, Jermaine Van Buren, Todd Walker, and Scott Williamson all played for both historically horrible franchises around that time. The swapping worked for the Red Sox. Not so much for the Cubs. The starting third baseman on the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time was one of those guys. Many Cubs fans blamed Dusty Baker for mismanaging Mark Bellhorn and not handing him the starting third base position during the 2003 season. I’m all for blaming Dusty Baker for everything. But I don’t think this one was on him. Bellhorn was awesome for exactly one season. Fortunately, that season happened when he was with the Cubs. Unfortunately, it happened in 2002, when they were absolutely terrible. Nevertheless, Bellhorn’s Cub career was enough to earn him a spot on this team.

"MVP" meant something different a decade ago.

I thought this team smelled bad on the outside.

Friday Roundup: The “PLAYING CATCH!” Edition

Are you as excited as I am about grown men playing catch in the Arizona sun? It’s a low bar. But pitchers and catchers reporting is the first sign that this winter can’t LITERALLY be endless, right? Soon, there will be baseball games that don’t matter. Then, there will be baseball games that do matter. Then, around May, there will be baseball games that don’t matter again. But, hey, the sun is out today.