Friday Roundup: The “Clark the Terrifying Nightmare” Edition


KIDS EAT FREE

KIDS EAT FREE

The Cubs Convention is upon us and, for the first time in several years, I’m not going to be drinking heavily immediately outside of it while making snarky comments about Keith Moreland’s complexion and Gordon Wittenmyer’s affinity for Dewar’s. I’M SUCH A BITCH. Maybe we’ll have to schedule a drinking thing some time in the near future. One where a pantsless Clark the Cub won’t be lurking in the shadows. Sweating. His vodka-soaked breath dampening the inside of his nightmarish visage. Waiting until one of us strays far enough from the group to strike. For a franchise that hasn’t won a World Series since before man began building the Titanic, it’s amazing that THIS is the most embarrassing decision they’ve ever made.

Your tips are as appreciated as the sickly sweet smell of Clark’s booze-infused breath on the back of your neck.

  • Aisle424

    “His vodka-soaked breath dampening the inside of his nightmarish visage. Waiting until one of us strays far enough from the group to strike. ”

    Are you talking about Gordo or Clark?

    • http://hirejimessian.com BadKermit

      Can’t it be both?

  • jerbear50

    I don’t know. I thought the mascot was stupid at first, but then I saw that he’s got his hat on backwards, so he’s probably a pretty cool dude. I’ll bet he’s even friends with Poochie.