The Muskbox Resolves Not to Talk About Uniforms, Immediately Breaks Resolution


"And now a selected reading from my upcoming novel, 'The Wolf of Waveland'."

“And now a selected reading from my upcoming novel, ‘The Wolf of Waveland Avenue’.”

Have you lost weight since the first of the year? Have you switched to e-cigarettes like an utter douchebag? Are you on the wagon? Have you been practicing guitar every day? How are your resolutions going? Probably better than the Muskbox’s, assuming her resolution was to use the Muskbox for helpful informational purposes in 2014. The new year brings a new Box. Same as the old Box.

Why would the Cubs entertain the idea of trading Jeff Samardzija?

Because SOMETHING surrounding this team has to be entertained, AMIRIGHT?

He has a solid arm and many years ahead of him.

What are you, an actuary?

They have the young talent that they have been trying to obtain. It looks to me that you add just one or two more power hitters and the Cubs are in contention.
– John P., Swifton, Ark.

Sure, as long as those power hitters are Ruth and Gehrig, the Cubs are going to be ACES in 2014! Speaking of which, has Ernie Banks, godlovehim, come up with a terrible slogan for 2014? If not, I have some suggestions.

THE CUBS WILL SMELL CLEAN IN 2014!
THE CUBS WON’T SUCK PEEN IN 2014!
WE’LL RUN OUT EPSTEIN IN 2014!

CARRIE: The Cubs are listening to offers because they’ve made it no secret that they are trying to restock the Minor League system (look at the deals at the Trade Deadline the past two years).

Aw, do I HAFTA???

CARRIE: They also are trying to keep Samardzija, and have talked to his agent about a possible long-term deal, which would be more cost effective for the Cubs.

The Cub front office is like every woman I’ve ever dated.

CARRIE: The reason teams want to acquire the right-hander are the same reasons the Cubs want to keep him — he’s durable with a power arm, and is under team control for two more seasons. He’s projected to get about $5 million in arbitration, which is a great price for a starting pitcher these days. I think they need more help than one or two power hitters, as you say.

Fine. They’re a middle reliever and a backup catcher away.

With Javier Baez on the rise and Starlin Castro “sputtering” at the plate, what are the chances that Castro can be dealt for pitching prospects? Seems the Cubs should do so now while he’s still very young and under contract.
– Jason C., Elk Grove, Calif.

Why is “sputtering” in quotes? You kids help me out. Does sputtering secretly mean something dirty? Like twerking or date raping?

CARRIE: How do you know Baez won’t “sputter,” too?

Well, now I really hope it’s NOT something dirty. Gross, Carrie.

CARRIE: It’s clear Baez and the Cubs’ other top prospects have talent, but they have not been tested at the Major League level.

Some might say that none of these guys have ever taken a test at all.

CARRIE: It’s a little early to give up on Castro. Be patient.

Breathe in through the nose. Out through the mouth. Close your eyes. Focus on your bellybutton. Imagine your nipples are moving toward one another. And now they’re moving apart. You’re floating in a giant bowl of Bisquick. The Beach Boys are playing softly in the background.

CARRIE: Baez, 21, has 828 Minor League at-bats total. Derek Jeter totaled 1,751 Minor League at-bats before he was promoted to the Yankees. Gary Sheffield, to whom Baez has been compared, collected 1,228 at-bats in the Minors before he got the call.

Yeah, but the 2014 Cubs are more ready to win now than the 1995 Yankees.

Why do the Cubs want Masahiro Tanaka? They will have to pay the $20 million posting fee and then tons of money for the signing. And I know the Draft has a lot of pitchers. Aren’t the Cubs sixth in the Draft? Who do you project they will get?
– Dan C., Orland Park, Ill.

Because the Cubs have had a ton of success with Asian players.

CARRIE: The reason the Cubs and others are interested in Tanaka is because by all accounts, he’s Major League ready.

Unlike STUPID JAVIER BAEZ!!!

CARRIE: He was 24-0 with a 1.27 ERA in Japan and he’s 25 years old. Yes, the Cubs have the fourth pick overall in the 2014 First-Year Player Draft. They could select a high school or college pitcher and then wait years for him to develop, not knowing for sure if he’ll even get to the big leagues. In talking to scouts who saw Tanaka, they feel the right-hander is worth the investment.

They could also select an 80-year-old! Or a monkey! Or a Clemens!

Will the Cubs ever change their look, even just a little? They need new uniforms. It’s time for a change.
– Lisa M.

Thanks, Obama.

CARRIE: You will see some new looks this year as part of the Wrigley Field 100th anniversary celebration. The Cubs have partnered with Majestic Athletic to recreate throwback uniforms from significant events at the ballpark during each decade of Wrigley’s history.

Where the stitching is SLIGHTLY different from the current uniforms. Isn’t the cool thing about the Cub uniforms is that they’re already pretty classic?

CARRIE: The first is a copy of the 1914 Chicago Federals uniform, which will be worn on the 100th birthday game, April 23 against the D-backs. The remaining uniforms will be worn on a “Throwback Sunday” game for the corresponding decade. Visiting teams also will wear retro uniforms on those games. The Cubs also will feature an alternate road jersey for 2014 that pays homage to the road jersey worn in the 1920s.

Except for Welington Castillo, who will play topless.

With a huge offensive hole at second base…

I thought Theriot retired?

…why didn’t the Cubs look at Robinson Cano? Darwin Barney is solid at defense, but the Cubs could have used a big bat in the lineup.
– Chris L., Appleton, Wis.

Ruth, Gehrig, and Cano. World Series-bound.

CARRIE: There are 240 million reasons why the Cubs didn’t sign Cano.

START LISTING THEM!!!