"And now a selected reading from my upcoming novel, '50 Shades of Jeff Gray'."

“And now a selected reading from my upcoming novel, ’50 Shades of Jeff Gray’.”

Christmas came early this year, my friends. Dumb questions about the Cubs have gone unanswered for ages. They’ve been building up in the brains of those people still actually thinking about a 66-96 team in November. Have no fear, simpletons! Carrie has returned from on high with a new picture, new answers, and, inexplicably, two stone tablets! Get ready for a lot of questions about third base which probably could have been combined into one answer, but were NOT!

Who’s available in free agency at third base? Also, I’d like to know who has the best shot at starting there next year.
— Francois C., Montreal

Nice try, Franklin Correa. I dug for that one. You’re welcome.

CARRIE: The list of free agent third basemen include Wilson Betemit, Eric Chavez, Mark DeRosa, Jerry Hairston Jr., Brandon Inge, Placido Polanco, Mark Reynolds, Juan Uribe, Kevin Youkilis and Michael Young. Reynolds is the youngest at 30. Since those names probably don’t excite you, keep Mike Olt in mind. He was acquired from the Rangers in the Matt Garza deal and could win the job with a strong spring.

If you can’t get excited about Jerry Hairston Jr., then it’s no wonder you live in Canada.

Do you think Kris Bryant sticks at third base? I do. Every time I hear “corner outfielder,” he takes another 100 ground balls before batting practice.
— Gary J., Chicago

That’s a coincidence, because every time I hear “middle reliever,” Kyle Farnsworth tricks a girl into pulling his finger.

CARRIE: I’m sure a lot of people wanted to move Bryant after Saturday’s Arizona Fall League Fall Stars Game…

Imma let you finish, but no one watched the AFL Fall Stars Game, and not just because calling them “Fall Stars” is the stupidest fucking thing since WCIU broke out the “Hyundai Night Football Post-Game Show” last night.

CARRIE: …when he made two errors at third, but as of now, he’s a third baseman. Bryant, the Cubs’ No. 1 pick in the 2013 First-Year Player Draft and the Cubs’ No. 4 prospect according to MLB.com, has heard the talk about a possible switch.


CARRIE: “I try not to read into that stuff because it really is a distraction,” Bryant said in early October. “You can’t focus on what other people have to say about you. You can only think about what you think about yourself. I believe I can play third base. If the Cubs want me to play right field, I’ll play the heck out of it.”

And if you just believe hard enough, this guy can go on living until he has a massive heart attack.


The Cubs seem to have an overload at shortstop (Starlin Castro, Arismendy Alcantara, Javier Baez) and possibly third base (Olt, Christian Villanueva, Luis Valbuena, Josh Vitters ). Any ideas on who might be moving to another position or another team?
— David D., Memphis

This reminds me of when Bob Davie recruited 70 quarterbacks to Notre Dame and then he had to turn them into tight ends and receivers and accountants. Except all of those quarterbacks were awful and some of these guys might turn out to be pretty good. What was I saying, again?

CARRIE: You can remove Vitters from the list because he’s…


CARRIE: …focusing on the outfield.


CARRIE: I’ve optimistically penciled in Olt for Opening Day.

She subsequently placed that pencil back into her bun, where it was lost until the end of days.

CARRIE: Valbuena could platoon at third and also be a utility player. Villanueva, who played at Double-A Tennessee last year and is playing in the Mexican Winter League, needs more time.

I hope they call Villanueva and he says, “If you’re going to pull this shit, at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.”

CARRIE: Alcantara split time between second and short, playing more second in the second half. Being versatile is a huge plus and it will be interesting to see if the Cubs move Baez around this spring. If he can play second or third, he might get up to the big leagues quicker. It may seem like too many infielders, but there’s a baseball cliche that these things sort themselves out. Let’s wait and see.

Totally. Baseball is a marathon, not a sprint. If these guys can just stay within themselves, and act like they’ve been there before, they’ll get their cups of coffee before the Cubs find themselves in any must-win games. They show a lot of heart, but even the best hitters fail 70% of the time. They just have to keep fighting and play through it.

Can you make sure that by the time people hear from Alcantara, they know how to properly pronounce his last name?
— Wally C., Orlando, Fla.

FINALLY. A question a librarian is actually equipped to answer.

CARRIE: I’ll try. It’s al-KAHN-tar-ah.

I’m guessing he probably meant Arismendy, too. Jesus, Carrie.

With Anthony Rizzo’s stats dropping, I was wondering how his 2013 stats compared with Bryan LaHair’s in ’12? Do the Cubs retain any rights to LaHair and do they have any thoughts about bringing him back? What kind of year did LaHair have in Japan?
— Steve M., Albuquerque

And then the Cubs can move Rizzo over to third base to compete with Valbuena for the starting position!

Also, I think the Cubs sold their rights to LaHair for one laser tattoo removal session for Dale Sveum.

CARRIE: In 2012, LaHair batted .259 with 16 home runs, 17 doubles, 40 RBIs in 130 games and was replaced as the starting first baseman in the second half that season. This year, Rizzo’s batting average dropped and he batted .233, but he also hit 23 home runs, 40 doubles and totaled 80 RBIs in 160 games and was a finalist for a Gold Glove.

In Japan this year, LaHair batted .230 in 111 games with the Fukuoka Softbank Hawks, and hit 16 home runs, 19 doubles and drove in 57 runs. LaHair turns 31 on Tuesday; Rizzo is 24. The Cubs do not have LaHair’s rights. No disrespect to LaHair, but I’ll take Rizzo.

And make a goddamn MAN out of him in the third-floor stacks.

With all the talk about Wrigley Field renovations, I have not seen any information regarding what is going to happen to the pavement bricks around the ballpark that are inscribed and paid for by Cubs fans. Are these going to be saved or are they not part of the new “Wrigley Field?”
— Doreene C., Libertyville, Ill.

I’m really sorry you were dumb enough to pay $160 for a $.39 paver, Doreene, but the Cubs can’t be held responsible for your irresponsible spending.

CARRIE: I am assured by the Cubs that the bricks will be saved.

Sure. They’ll be crushed into powder and used as diamond dry.

In your summary of prospects, you failed to include Dan Vogelbach. Only two years out of high school, he has demonstrated an exceptional talent for hitting. He not only hits with above-average power, but shows real discipline at the plate with relatively low strikeout numbers and high walk numbers. At 6-foot, 250 pounds, he’ll never be the defensive player Rizzo is, but he works hard and he may ultimately be a better hitter than Rizzo.
— Jan P.

Plus, he could kick Rizzo’s ASS in a pierogi-eating competition.

CARRIE: I focused on the players I saw in instructional league or had talked to coaches about, and did not mean to slight Vogelbach or anyone else. You can add Christian Villanueva, Wes Darvill, Gioskar Amaya, Dustin Geiger, Bijan Rademacher and Shawon Dunston Jr. to the list of names to watch, and there are more, which is a nice change from years past.

Is the Theocracy just trying to collect guys with hilarious names? Because if that’s the plan, I LIKE it.

What have you heard about Brett Jackson? Is he just taking the winter off to rest or playing somewhere? Do you think a lot of issues last year might have been thinking too much about not striking out?
— Apollo C., Estes Park, Colo.

“Hey, Apollo Creed, wanna play for the Cubs?”
-Theo Epstein

CARRIE: Jackson had some nagging injuries last season, which were more annoying than the strikeouts.

Not to me. The strikeouts were WAY more annoying.

CARRIE: He’s not playing this winter and was given an offseason program to work on. In talking to some Cubs’ Minor League coaches, they were very encouraged by what they saw from Jackson at the end of the season.

“Let’s give him credit. At least he didn’t spike himself.”

I remember the Cubs having a radio broadcaster by the name of Bert Wilson back in the late ’40s or early ’50s. Am I dreaming or is that true?
— Louis B., Bloomington, Ind.

“I remember this. Do I remember this?”

Christ, someone please shoot me before I get old(er).

CARRIE: Wilson was a play-by-play broadcaster for the Cubs from 1944-55, and one of his favorite sayings was, “I don’t care who wins, as long as it’s the Cubs.” He was the last announcer to call a Cubs’ World Series game in 1945.

Some other hilarious Bert-isms:

“It ain’t over until one team has outscored another team, and the other team has used up at least 27 outs.”
“Grape is a flavor. Purple is a color.”
“Yes dear. You were right. I’m sorry.”
“It ain’t rape unless she’s unwilling to have sex with you!”

Do the Cubs have any interest in Ozzie Guillen for manager?
— Dave B., Lake in the Hills, Ill.

Honestly, do YOU? Does anyone? That choice would be so bad, Kaplan would endorse it.


Best Muskbox answer ever.