Hey, Al doesn’t have the market cornered on open letters to the Cubs front office that Theo Epstein will never read. Theo, you’ve done a lot of good in Chicago to this point. You’ve improved the team. You got rid of that alpaca manager. You haven’t acknowledged the idiot fan base that pays for season tickets in the bleachers. You’ve surrounded yourself with great baseball minds, you’ve said the right things, and now you’ve fired Dale Sveum. Or should I say you’ve opened a door. And there’s one man ready to come charging through that door. His name is Robert Paulson Skip Johnson Jim Essian. Not Joe Girardi. Joe Girardi looks like Skeletor, and Skeletor is EVIL.

Now, you may not believe that a man with a mustache can do amazing things. Not only is Jim the ONLY Armenian manager to ever lead an MLB team, but his mustache has SEEN SOME SHIT. BEHOLD!

Jim Breaking Bad

Jim Bridge on the River Kwai

Jim Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Jim Inglorious Basterds

Jim Inigo Montoya

Jim There Will Be Blood

Jim This Is Spinal Tap

Jim Tombstone