Carrie fits in the Wrigley seats just fine. It’s the bun that struggles.

This week’s Muskbox is filled with wonderful Cub fan stereotypes. There’s the fan arguing which bad catcher is less bad. There’s the guy obsessed with speed over all else. There’s a 500-pound monster. It’s not the Muskbox we want. It’s the Muskbox we need.

Q: I’m a stats kind of guy.

“I put my pants on one leg at a time. Some guys are into sexy things like ‘uniform colors’ and ‘how hot is his wife?’ but not me. Nosir. I’m a stats man. And that’s why I wear Old Spice. Old Spice. For the stats guy in you.”

Q: I noticed that Welington Castillo is a much better hitter in the daytime (.305) than at night (.219).

“I guess my question is: Is he a reverse vampire?”

Q: Yes, it’s a small sample…

…he said as he handed the cup to his fertility doctor.

Q: …but most of Dioner Navarro’s starts come in the daytime. I would assume that Sveum has a valid reason for this but perhaps Navarro’s starts should come more often at night? Just an observation. — Travis C., Cedar Rapids, IA

I’m a stats guy, and I approve this message.

A: My first reaction was that Castillo had played more day games, so the numbers may be lopsided but that’s not the case. Through Tuesday, he’s played 27 games in the day time, 26 at night. The splits aren’t too far off — he’s 29-for-95 during the day, 21-for-96 at night. I’ll ask him tonight before the game, and update later.

And then ask him the same question during the day and see if his answer is different.

Q: Why doesn’t Cody Ransom get more playing time?

-No One, Ever

Q: He’s solid and can produce some big hits, I feel. — Jacob B.

And now YOU can own all of Cody Ransom’s big hits for five simple payments of $19.99 each! That’s right! “Ransom My Heart: The Cody Ransom Definitive Collection” is available exclusively by calling the number at the bottom of your screen right now! Don’t miss out on this exclusive TV offer! And, if you call within the next sixty seconds, you get TWO copies of the album, plus a one-of-a-kind DVD of Cody’s Wrigley Field concert, “Livey in the Ivy: Rounding Third and Heading for Home”.

A: Since you wrote, Ransom has gotten more playing time. Sveum has used him in a platoon at third with Luis Valbuena, inserting Ransom against left-handed pitchers.

Dolan weeps.

A: Ransom was batting .293 vs. lefties compared to .167 against right-handers.

But at night, or during the day? WE STATS GUYS NEED THIS INFORMATION.

A: On Tuesday against the Cardinals’ Adam Wainwright, Ransom did connect for his first home run off a right-hander, and was batting .304 (7-for-23) this month after a .200 June. One of the reasons Ransom bats high in the order is to give him more at-bats.

This team is so good, you guys.

Q: I was pleased with the Cubs Draft this year.

Oh, thank goodness.

Q: How soon will we see Kris Bryant? Any chance he could be called up in September even just to give fans a look at him? Thanks. — John L., Portland, Ore.

Isn’t there something else on the internet you can masturbate to?

A: If you want to watch Bryant play, you’ll have to go to one of the Cubs’ Minor League teams, possibly Kane County. He won’t be called up in September. First, the Cubs have to sign the third baseman, who is represented by super agent Scott Boras.

I wonder if superagent Scott Boras had a chance to howl at the supermoon this weekend.

A: The Cubs have a signing bonus pool of $10,556,500, and an assigned value of $6,708,400 for Bryant. Talks are ongoing.

“Just offer him a full no-trade clause and the rest of this cruller!”
-Jim Hendry

Q: With Steve Clevenger coming back from injury and seeming to get a hit in every rehab game, I would assume he will be brought back to the Majors once he’s ready. When this happens, who do you think will be sent down with most of the backups playing well? Would the Cubs consider sending a bullpen guy down for an extra bat? I’m afraid you’ll say Julio Borbon but I don’t want to see that late inning speed sent down. — Michael F., Raleigh, NC

What the FUUUUUUUCK is with Cubs fans and their obsession with speed? Speed is the most useless tool in baseball.

A: Clevenger does give the Cubs some versatility. With three catchers available, Sveum could use Dioner Navarro or Clevenger as a pinch-hitter, and not worry about losing a backup catcher if something happened to Welington Castillo. Right now, Clevenger is getting at-bats at Triple-A Iowa and playing some infield there. Sveum was asked Tuesday about the left-handed hitter, and there’s no date set for his return. Part of the problem is that they have plenty of left-handed bats right now.

“Guys, I know it would be great to get Clev up here. He’s a great man, he’s a hell of a hitter, and he’s a leader of men. But we just have too many great left-handed hitters on this team already. There just ain’t a spot for him.”
-Dale Sveum, laughing hysterically

Q: With the upcoming renovation of Wrigley Field, are they going to address how small the seats are?

What is this? A stadium for ANTS???

Q: People were a lot smaller back in the early 1900s and these days, you feel like you’re jammed in there like a sardine on both sides with no leg room. — Jeff, Calgary

A Gigantic Fatass

A: The renovation plan includes installation of new, wider seats at Wrigley Field. It should be a more comfortable way to watch the game.

I guarantee these same gargantuas will bitch that the Cubs aren’t selling as many tickets after the renovation.