But be advised this is the best caption of the bunch.

Click for attribution.

Oh my god, you guys. Ned Ryerson bestowed upon me one of the greatest gifts that has ever been given by one man to another man. It’s a site called Thuzio. I don’t know what Thuzio means, but if I had a guess, it’s Latin for “washed-up athletes desperate for money”.

One of those athletes is Jacque Jones. And for the low, low price of $500, Jacque Jones will come to your cousin’s dinner party. He’ll meet you for a chocolate malt and burgers on your lunch break. He will PLAY PICKUP SOFTBALL with you and your best beer-swilling friends. Hey, fantasy baseball season is coming up! Invite Jacque to your fantasy draft, where he will tell you which players are the most like Jacque Jones, so you can avoid drafting them.

But if you had a good week at work–maybe earned a little bonus–you might opt for a $750 option. Like attending a game with Jacque Jones so he can see what professional baseball players look like. You’ll have to provide the ticket, because Jacque ain’t payin’ for SHIT. Or maybe baseball isn’t your thing. Maybe a more laid-back game is your thing. Maybe you and two of your buddies want to bring Jacque out for a round of golf, where Jacque, as your “perfect fourth,” will “spice up the round with tales from his time in the pros.”

Or maybe you’re looking for something from the deluxe package. Maybe you’re willing to pony up $1,000 for Jacque to attend your son’s bar mitzvah. Or bris. Maybe he can even cut your son’s penis!!! Or maybe you’re opening a car dealership, and Jacque can be your backup plan to Kenny Powers!

Or maybe you have a bunch of friends who want to…sit around and listen to Jacque “share his story with up to 20 people.” Watch the magic of Jacque Jones: Motivational Speaker. “Your small group of friends, students, coworkers, or event attendees will be inspired by Jacque’s path to success.”

And, because Jacque knows where the deep pockets lie, corporate outings are $1,500. PRO TIP: If your corporate outing is a golf outing, just tell Jacque he’s your foursome with your buddies and save yourself $750.

You can also have Jacque teach you how to spike a ball into the ground four feet in front of you for only $100 an hour.

But your best option is the last option. You can make a “custom request” to Jacque. I like to call this option, “How desperate for money is Jacque Jones?” Will Jacque Jones dress up like a French maid and clean your oven for you? Will he spend an evening of lovemaking with your mother-in-law while you get drunk off homemade moonshine? WILL HE EAT THIS BAG OF NICKELS??? Only by submitting requests will we find out!

Here is something perhaps even more amazing. In Jacque’s biography blurb at the top of the page, his baseball exploits are chronicled. But there’s something curious in the first paragraph. The last sentence reads as follows: “Jim went on to spend a season with the Tigers and the Marlins before retiring from the sport.” Jim. JIM. Amazing.

If Jacque isn’t your your man, perhaps you’d be interested in some of the other former Cubs, like Turk Wendell, Mickey Morandini, Fred McGriff, or LENNY HARRIS. You guys, we have to get a pool together and get one of these dopes to the next Cubs Convention meetup.