The moment four of you have been waiting for is almost upon us. Cubs pitchers and catchers are reporting in mere days. That means your long offseason of not being disappointed is about to come to an end. That’s terrific. It’s time to usher in a whole new preseason of agony. A precursor to the upcoming regular season of agony. I love baseball!

Your tips are as appreciated as the brief months of baseball between blissful offseasons.

• Legs are sexy.
• Owls are great at checking out chicks.
• Germans.
• If beagle vomit were worth anything, I’d be a millionaire.
• So, you’re going to die.
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt is awesome, and paparazzi are fucking assholes. They even admit it. Seriously, who raises people like this? They are terrible human beings.
  
• The history of the universe in ten sentences. (HT: level5)
• The perfect interviewee for an insane story.
  
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: DOOOOOOOOOOM!