The Muskbox Wants a Fatter Third Baseman than Aramis Ramirez


Incidentally, when is lunch?

Dan Vogelbach would slather that bun in Sriracha and cheese and DEVOUR it.

Normally, when the Muskbox suggests moving a player to third base, that player is left-handed, ninety years old, or plays for the Yankees. But the Muskbox is growing wiser in its old age. This week, they chose a young, right-handed player who is actually in the Cubs’ system. Of course, he weighs 350 pounds, so there is still room for improvement. Who is this mystery player? I guess you’ll just have to keep reading to find out!

How do the Cubs justify spending $52 million over four years on Jackson in a rebuilding phase?

They don’t. Because they don’t fucking HAVE TO!

But it's so damn sexy.

It took way too long to make this look that bad.

Sure, he’s a slightly above average pitcher, but it seems like a lengthy deal given our current state of affairs. Can you shed some light on the reason behind this signing?
– Mike A., Iowa City, Iowa

Yes, particularly on the left side of Jed’s face. I don’t know how to use that gradient tool, and I don’t care to learn.

CARRIE: The current state is that the Cubs are lacking starting pitching in the system. Jackson, 29, is a durable, talented, young pitcher…

So, many, commas.

CARRIE: …who the front office feels it can build around. He’ll give the team innings and isn’t as expensive as Zack Greinke, Kyle Lohse or Anibal Sanchez.

Possibly because he isn’t as good.

CARRIE: The Cubs’ front office also has looked ahead to potential free-agent pitchers after the 2013 season. That list includes Matt Garza, Josh Johnson, Chris Carpenter and Tim Lincecum. Jackson is a solid investment now.

They should scout this Matt Garza kid!

Who is projected to be the Opening Day starter?
– D. Wayne K., Hesston, Kan.

Carlos Zambrano! Start being outraged!

CARRIE: My guess is Jeff Samardzija, who celebrated his 28th birthday on Wednesday.

That is so bizarre.

How does the bullpen look this year, because I think that was our weakness last year.
– Keith S., Trussville, Ala.

Yep. That was it. The ONE weakness. HIRE THIS MAN.

CARRIE: It should be better.

Because it can’t be worse.

CARRIE: The addition of Kyuji Fujikawa gives the Cubs an experienced late-inning specialist who can be used with Shawn Camp and James Russell to set up Carlos Marmol. Rafael Dolis and Alberto Cabrera are power arms who should benefit from their experience last season. Michael Bowden could be a long man; he did much better once he got regular work. Hector Rondon, their Rule 5 pick, has 520-plus innings in the Minors, including a brief stint at Triple-A in 2010. He is coming back from elbow surgery, but he pitched well in Venezuela this winter. Last year’s Rule 5 pick, Lendy Castillo, was a converted pitcher who had just 131 innings in the Minors.

You’re right, all those names SOUND good. Wait. Why didn’t you include any numbers in that paragraph?

/checks baseball-reference.com

Oh.

CARRIE: The key for all the Cubs relievers is to cut down on the walks. Last season, they issued the most walks (259) and fourth-most hits (491) in the National League.

Recipe for success!

Do you think Matt Szczur, Dave Sappelt and Junior Lake are ready to make the 2013 Cubs as utility players?
– Ralph M., Chicago

“What does the future of Cub utility player look like???”

CARRIE: Sappelt will likely get a spot on the 25-man roster as an extra outfielder. Both Szczur and Lake probably need more time. Neither has played above the Double-A level. Szczur did play in the Arizona Fall League and was part of the recent rookie development mini-camp in Chicago, and Lake has improved his value with his versatility, playing the outfield and infield in the Dominican Republic Winter League. Luis Valbuena, who has had a busy winter, will be an important part of the Cubs’ bench, too. Valbuena is playing for Lara in Venezuela, and his team has advanced to the championship series against Magallanes.

Put your pants back on, Dolan.

How is the Interleague schedule determined? As a displaced Midwesterner and Cubs fan, I anticipate being able to see the Cubs in Baltimore at least once every six years.

I wish I could only see the Cubs once every six years.

However, the Cubs have played in Baltimore once since Interleague Play began. However, they’ve played in Yankee Stadium and Fenway a few times over the years.
– Sean M., Timonium, Md.

Even the Cubs have an East-Coast bias! Well, the slightly-further-north east coast, at least.

CARRIE: If you lived in Oakland, you’d have a legitimate complaint.

“I’m so sick of these beautiful, tan, fit women with their big, fake breasts!”

CARRIE: This year will be the first time that the Cubs will play there.

Get your tickets while they’re…on sale!

CARRIE: Since Interleague Play began in 1997, they’ve actually played only once in Fenway Park (2011) and Yankee Stadium (2011). The schedule rotates with the Cubs facing East Division teams one year, then Central, then West. They should play East teams in 2014, and perhaps the Orioles will be on the schedule then.

Man, your fact-checking has to REALLY suck if you get corrected by Carrie Muskat.

Since he is blocked by Anthony Rizzo, is there any chance Dan Vogelbach moves to third base or the outfield?
– Zach S., Macomb, Ill.

He would be the fattest third baseman they had there since Lenny Harris!

CARRIE: Vogelbach — ranked No. 14 by MLB.com on the Cubs’ Top 20 prospects list — will continue to play first base and work on becoming a middle-of-the-order hitter, which is how the Cubs project him. Right now, every first baseman in the Cubs’ system is blocked by Rizzo, but that doesn’t mean the organization doesn’t stop developing first basemen.

As you know, the Cubs have a long tradition of developing first basemen. From Mark Grace to…Hee Seop Choi?

Have they started building the Cubs’ new Spring Training facility? When is it scheduled to be ready?
– Terry L., Sun City Center, Fla.

How is Sun City Center NOT the name of the new facility?

CARRIE: Construction is under way, and I’ll post some photos once I get to Arizona next month.

Not of the construction, of course.

CARRIE: It’s scheduled to be ready for Spring Training 2014.

Just in time to watch the Cubs’ 2014 utility players develop!

  • Earl Cunningham

    Is anyone else concerned that if Vogelbach loses weight, he’ll lose his power. Like Sampson, but swap the gut for the hair.

    • http://hirejimessian.com BadKermit

      A little bit. Plus, morbidly obese first basemen are all the rage.

  • Thunderpup12

    So our 14th ranked prospect is a fat ass that played in Northwest League last year? Damnit all.

  • edizz

    Finally the famous dis writ world world world world WORLD WORKED. I was a day than fun fan of Carlos and I wish he would have left the douche baggary to himself good job on the Muslim music musk box.

    • http://hirejimessian.com BadKermit

      Don’t ever change.

  • Candy Maldonado’s Candy

    “Since Interleague Play began in 1997, they’ve actually played only once in Fenway Park (2011) and Yankee Stadium (2011).”

    The Cubs played a series at Yankee Stadium in 2005 also; of course that was the OLD Yankee Stadium so Carrie must have meant the NEW Yankee Stadium.