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The Lost Notes of Tom Ricketts’s Letter to Ticket Holders

The Epstein hire was great, and all, but this family is still really fucking annoying to look at.

If you were a Cubs season ticket holder in 2012 (or, apparently, if you weren’t, since I wasn’t), last week you received a lovely letter from Chairman Tom Ricketts thanking you for your ongoing support in the form of DOLLA BILLS, YO. Some season ticket holders, particularly those who dwell in the bleachers, can’t see through the bullshit and realize that this annual letter is sent out to soften the blow of yet another ticket price increase after yet another championshipless season. Fortunately for those dopes, I got my hands on the rough first draft of Tommy Boy’s “sorry about the mess” letter.

Dear Season Ticket Holder, fading blog star, and/or snarky dick-joke maker

With the 2012 season having drawn to a close, it’s time for all of us at the Chicago Cubs to drink heavily at the Captain MorganTM Club, sponsored, in part, by Tru Value thank you for your support and provide an update on the progress we’ve made toward building a championship-caliber organization. NONE. You are a vital stakeholder to this franchise which, coincidentally, hasn’t won a championship since women were actually held to stakes and burned for witchcraft and an important partner in our transformation from a 101-loss club in 2012 to a mere 98-loss club in 2013.

Despite this year’s results in the standings which we still hope will be weighted based on strength of schedule, we are confident the Chicago Cubs are heading in the right direction and that the new NBC show Revolution will have a lengthy and successful television run. Our players, coaches, management and front office have approached their jobs at least, those who managed to keep their jobs with professionalism, effort and unity, which are three words I noticed on the motivational posters I have hanging in my office has created a winning atmosphere inside the organization. It’s our responsibility to turn that effort into an enormous pile of money which Todd will inexplicably invest in ColecoVision stock additional wins on the field. Our number one goal is a win in every week, and a bison dog in every mouth to reward loyal generations of Cubs fans with a World Series and we’re reinvesting every dollar spent by our fans into the franchise to achieve that goal except, of course, for all of the money we’re investing in adding more seats.

To achieve our goal, it was clear the team needed a long-term strategy so Todd has been listening to the audio CliffsNotes of Machiavelli’s The Art of War for the past sixteen months. We anticipate that he’ll have his book report completed just in time for the start of the 2014 season. Over the past year, we recruited new baseball leadership to create and execute a plan for building a consistently-competitive ballclub. I’m not suggesting they’ll win, of course. I’m merely implying that they will show up on time regularly and at least compete with the opposing teams. We now have a long-term strategy in place after only three years of stumbling around blindly and a baseball organization focused on delivering a championship to Wrigley Field. That team is communicating openly and honestly about implementing a proven model for sustained success. “How honestly?” you ask? Why, just the other day, Theo Epstein informed me that I and my entire family should be ashamed of ourselves for this utter disgrace of an organization. He then grumbled something about this being why “doe-eyed simps” shouldn’t be allowed to run a baseball team. It’s just that sort of candor that we facilitate in the Cubs front office.

As part of that strategy, we are developing a core of young players at the major league level. Some teams choose to develop young players at the minor league level, but we’re WAY outside the box, here. This season provided an opportunity for homegrown and acquired players to gain valuable experience and establish themselves as potential long-term contributors to the club. And, since you dopes still bought 2,882,756 tickets, these opportunities paid off for us.

Our minor league system improved in 2012 because, really, how was it going to get any worse?, as the Cubs acquired, drafted or signed a significant wave of new talent into the organization. We welcomed a strong 2012 first-year player draft class into the system, building on a franchise-record investment in draft signings in 2011 including a morbidly obese guy and the son of a hockey player. Many of these players made immediate positive contributions. For example, would YOU have known about Paulina Gretzky if we didn’t draft her brother? In fact, five Cubs prospects were included in MLB’s recently-released Top 100 Prospects list; a total topped by only three other teams in the league. So, here’s to a bunch of fourth-place finishes starting in 2016! A number of our newly-acquired players excelled in both the minor and major leagues and look to contribute further in 2013 and beyond. Travis Wood, for example, is letting all of us use his Netflix streaming account!

We’ve welcomed new talent in the front office as well. Or talent in general. Perhaps no operation bears more responsibility for advancing our organizational plan than scouting and player development. That’s why we wouldn’t let Todd do it for even a DAY when he was on Undercover Boss. After a season of evaluation, our scouting and development teams have been reorganized to procure and develop the best amateur, professional and international talent available. Coming in 2013: Bison Tacos, Bison Calzones, and Bison Bangers and Mash! Our scouts and coaches have been equipped with state-of-the-art analysis tools and equipment to enhance the club’s analytical capabilities. We bought everyone iPads, but Todd still hasn’t figured out how to install Angry Birds.

In addition to personnel investments, we’ve made significant upgrades to our facilities. The bat rack, for example, is no longer haunted. We are currently building a new baseball academy to serve our Latin American players in the Dominican Republic. So, if you live in the Dominican Republic and you want to eat this month, start practicing! The facility, open year-round, will span 50 acres with baseball fields, training facilities, player housing and an education center, making it the largest academy in the country, and the largest consumer of clean water and electricity in THREE Latin American countries. Additionally, we broke ground this season on a new Spring Training facility in Mesa, Ariz., that will be one of the premier training facilities in baseball behind only three other teams, as well as a more enjoyable venue for watching a Spring Training game. Not our games, of course. Just games in general. We continue to make improvements to Wrigley Field’s facilities for our players and fans, with larger scale investments coming down the road, including the brand-new Bison DOUBLE Dog. All of these improvements will enhance your fan experience and bolster the club’s ability to attract and develop elite players throughout the world.

Lastly, we continue to invest in the Chicago community to help deserving children and families by not giving the poor unfortunate souls any tickets. The Cubs and Chicago Cubs Charities will support a team-record $4.5 million of donations to worthwhile nonprofits and programs across Chicagoland this year. We’re honored to support the people and organizations that make our city a great place to work, live and play baseball. Should there have been an “in which” in that last sentence? I should probably make a note to go ask Todd.

In the end, we are fans and our goal is free tickets for us to win. We’re committed to building an organization you can be proud of and we’re committed to building a champion the right way, from the stitched-together parts of old, discarded champions. This franchise has embarked on a path that will present challenges along the way, but the destination is promising to be agonizing for at least the next two seasons, too.

We deeply and sincerely appreciate your ongoing support. Also, cash.

Tom Ricketts
President Owner Boss CEO Chairman, Chicago Cubs