PICTURED: A guy with as good a chance of getting a hit off R.A. Dickey as Adam Greenberg.

Well, score another blow for the sentimental idiot crowd. The Miami Marlins, in a move so profoundly stupid that everyone had to check twice to make sure Jim Hendry didn’t sign the contract, have signed Adam Greenberg to a one-day deal (HT: everyone who sent this to me). Let’s get something clear. This is not really a neat story. It’s not a satisfying conclusion to one man’s EPIC STRUGGLE to OVERCOME ALL ODDS and TERRIBLE SPORTS CLICHE. It’s a publicity stunt. It’s so dumb that I’m shocked the Rickettses didn’t force the Theocracy to do it. There are thousands of players who toiled away for years in the minor leagues who were better than Greenberg and who never even get the chance to get drilled in the head by an honest-to-goodness MLB fastball. This is not meant to be mean-spirited, because I have nothing against Greenberg, but I think it would be hilarious if two things happen next Tuesday.

  1. Whichever poor minor-league sap who gets bumped from the roster for Greenberg rage-quits baseball forever, and then, seven years later, there’s a terrible internet campaign to get him another Major League at-bat.
  2. Ozzie Guillen acts like the fuckhead we all know he is and refuses to play Greenberg.

I’m a simple man with simple wants. Anyhow, let’s fisk this stupid article.

Sometimes life throws a curve. Sometimes it throws a 92-mph fastball that hits you in the head and puts you on your back.

Sometimes, baseball-life analogies are mostly stupid and cliched. Sometimes, baseball-life analogies are COMPLETELY stupid and cliched.

Adam Greenberg got the latter, but it didn’t deter him from continuing his pursuit of a dream that ended less than second before it truly began. The Marlins are affording him the chance to achieve it — again.

Of all teams to pull this stunt, I have to say I’m a little shocked that it’s the Marlins, despite their involvement with the incident in the first place. I mean, the Grinch once told Jeffrey Loria to lighten the hell up.

Thursday, the Marlins announced the signing of Greenberg to a one-day major league contract effective next Tuesday, the second-to-last day of the regular season.

Dozens of reporters were heard leaving the press room whispering, “Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that was going to be an announcement about Guillen’s firing.”

On July 9, 2005, Greenberg’s big league career began and essentially ended on the first pitch he saw at Sun Life Stadium.

And he didn’t even get to see most of it!

Then a Cubs prospect, Greenberg pinch-hit against former Marlins reliever Valerio De Los Santos, who misfired a fastball that struck him on the back of the head.

“Misfired”? Or “MESSAGE PITCH”?

“It knocked me down and I could have stayed there,” Greenberg said. “I had a choice. I could have said, ‘Poor me,’ and ‘This is horrible,’ but I chose to get up and get back in the box.

First of all, no you didn’t.

Second of all, how much does Matt Liston suck? That pandering dope wants to be Matthew McConaughey so bad, I’m surprised he wore a shirt during the video at all.

Third, how hard, exactly, did Greenberg get hit? I’d think a dude with such a passion for the game would be aware of Rule 608(b), which reads, in relevant part, as follows:

“The batter becomes a runner and is entitled to first base without liability to be put out (provided he advances to and touches first base) when…he is touched by a pitched ball which he is not attempting to hit unless (1) The ball is in the strike zone when it touches the batter, or (2) The batter makes no attempt to avoid being touched by the ball…”

“That’s kind of the message to everyone. No matter what is going on in their own personal lives or anything, get back up, keep going. Good things do happen.

Also, bad things happen. Like getting hit in the head on your first MLB plate appearance and never making the majors again. And sometimes people die. And Santa Claus isn’t real. And the world is a real place filled with real consequences, and the streets here aren’t paved with gold.

“Sometimes it takes seven years, but you know what, anything is possible and this just shows what’s possible.”

Here’s a question. Isn’t this going to absolutely ruin any shot at baseball immortality that Greenberg has? He has a perfect OBP, he is the only answer to at least one trivia question, and, right now, he has the sweet “Moonlight Greenberg” nickname. Additionally, what if (likely) he strikes out on three straight pitches and looks like a fool against one of the best pitchers in baseball this year? Or–worse–what if the second MLB pitch he “sees” nails him in the back of the head? Or–even WORSE–what if he gets a hit? There will be no living with most Cubs fans at that point. Screw you, R.A. Dickey, if you lob a fastball in there to him.

Also, even if he gets a hit, what the hell good does a SECOND plate appearance do? Wasn’t it Greenberg’s goal to establish himself as an MLB player and have a long, successful MLB career? And, if that’s not what’s going to happen, how is this NOT cloying and idiotic? And where is the love for Fred Van Dusen? Is his name too ethnic for you, SOCIETY? LOOK IN A FUCKING MIRROR!!!

Greenberg, 31, developed vertigo and post-concussion symptoms that stalled his career. He last played on an affiliated baseball team in 2008. From 2009-’11, he was with the Bridgeport Bluefish of the independent Atlantic League.

So, he had a chance to play baseball, he got injured playing baseball, that injury affected his ability to play baseball, and his baseball career ended because he couldn’t play baseball well anymore. That song sounds familiar.

Most recently, Greenberg was a member of the Israeli squad that competed in World Baseball Classic Qualifier in Jupiter earlier this month. Sunday, after Israel lost the championship game to Spain, a dejected Greenberg received a call from Marlins President David Samson with the contract offer.

Congratulations. You made it farther into any other article ever written about Greenberg before making reference to his Jewishness.

Greenberg in part has filmmaker Matt Liston to thank. Liston earlier this year initiated the “One At Bat” campaign. He produced a You Tube video chronicling Greenberg’s story and started a petition to get Greenberg his first official major league at-bat. It has more than 22,000 signatures on change.org.

You might have stumbled across it when you were looking for a petition to help war veterans get PTSD benefits. Or maybe to stop child sex trafficking. Or maybe to force Louisiana schools to educate their students on evolution. Or to stop health care discrimination against gay couples.

Or maybe you were just there to get an entitled baseball player an at-bat, you fucking asshole.

“This was never a gimmick,”

Yes, it absolutely was.

…said Greenberg, who in February received a call from Liston and green-lighted his project. “I got to the major leagues on my own merit and I worked through the ranks as a little kid and all the way up. I earned that spot seven years ago. The fact that this is not just my first at-bat, I think that’s important. It’s not just, ‘Poor kid, let’s give him a shot.’

Yes, he absolutely earned his shot. He had his shot. He got injured. Sometimes, life doesn’t work out the way you envision it. But if everyone started a fucking YouTube campaign and online petition when they broke up with their girlfriend, this planet would be even worse than it already is.

“I’m no different or more special than anyone else.

“Except for the guy who also earned his way to the Major Leagues and whose roster spot and at-bats I’m taking.”

“It just so happened my story was the Sunday Night Baseball game on ESPN and it was the first pitch I ever saw and I got hit in the back of my head. That’s a tragedy for me, but it’s part of the game.”

Yes. It is. It’s part of the game. And you were lucky enough to have your name etched up there along with the 20,000 or so other humans who ever played that game at the highest possible level, no matter how brief. And you even made some money off the game.

Greenberg has agreed to donate his one-day salary to the Marlins Foundation, which will then make a donation to the Sports Legacy Institute, an organization that advances the study, treatment and prevention of the effects of brain trauma in athletes and other at-risk groups.

“And, maybe, if just a little bit gets skimmed off the top by the Marlins Foundation in transition, then maybe no one notices, perhaps?”
-Jeffrey Loria

If the Marlins have determined the logistics of Greenberg’s appearance Tuesday, they have not shared them with him yet. Greenberg was unsure whether he would be in the starting lineup against New York Mets knuckleballer and National League Cy Young frontrunner R.A. Dickey, or if he would pinch-hit later in the game.

It doesn’t matter to Greenberg.

Fuck it. Let him pitch. OZZIE AIN’T CARE!!!

“To experience what it feels like in a major league park and in a major league game, hearing my name announced, digging into the batters’ box,” Greenberg said. “That is truly what it’s about and I’m looking forward to that opportunity to show what I can do. It doesn’t matter if I get a hit or I don’t. It’s already been a success.”


In a statement, Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria said: “I’m extremely proud to extend this opportunity to Adam. He has earned this chance as his love and passion for the game never diminished, despite his career tragically being cut short. I look forward to seeing Adam step up to the plate and realizing his comeback dream next Tuesday night.”

You know whose career was tragically cut short? Lou Gehrig’s. SIGN HIM, JEFFREY!!!