If the Cubs’ march toward 100 losses or the White Sox’s inexplicable hanging-on to their first-place AL Central standing isn’t whetting your sports appetite this September, you’ll be happy to know that the Chicago Bears are back to kick off (LOL!) another season of American football this weekend! Fortunately for Bears fans, there is absolutely NO WAY they can lose 100 games this year!

Your tips are as appreciated as the Detroit Tigers GETTING THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WINNING THAT GODDAMN DIVISION.

• Bob Uecker is awesome. His statue? Not so much.
• It’s really weird seeing the Cubs so low on this list.
• Well, at least we won’t have to watch the 2013 season.
• Walter White is a murderous bastard. (Breaking Bad spoilers)
• Five facts about your only escape from reality.
• Bill Nye has a potty mouth!
• Yes, your dog knows why you’re crying into that oversized jar of peanut butter.
• Not drinking fast enough? Blame your glass.
• Why the hell was I not informed that Survivorman is back?
• How many words to you know? Probably ALL OF THEM.
• YOUR TERRIBLE MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: The best Christmas movie of all time apparently has a horrible sequel.